Dali Mamma Lama

Sadness Beyond Control

2010-10-31T16:04:00.000-04:00

It's hard to be sad on Halloween, especially with my guys all dressed up for the holiday, but I found myself so sad the past two days that I found it worse than anything I've felt in quite some time.

I know what started it off...yesterday we were supposed to have plans with friends, and they canceled, which left us with a whole free day. With birthday parties, and Hebrew school and soccer and football, we haven't had a full free day in a VERY long time. So, I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to take the kids to the aquarium, since my son is very psyched about sharks these days. He didn't want to do that. So, I said, how about the aircraft carrier? The zoo? Central park zoo? No, he didn't like any of those ideas. Didn't want to go anywhere where there would be crowds...I didn't get it. And then I just got mad because he said he wanted to buy wood to build himself a custom closet or take the kids to get skis. Okay, I understand we need to get skis for the kids for the season, but we had a WHOLE day to play...and then my son said he'd rather have a playdate with his friend than go somewhere with me...and then the girls didn't want to go because my son didn't want to go...the day was such a BUST!!! Oh, and might I add that my husband could have done the closet thing next weekend when I was taking the kids away...and I FREAKED OUT on everyone, especially my husband.

I just couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to do something educational and outside with the kids on a beautiful fall day...was it me? I really thought so. But, I did freak out (I mean slamming doors, yelling, and just being plain mean to my husband who was happily doing his woodwork in the garage, which he rarely does) and finally begged and pleaded with my daughter to come with me to the Central Park Zoo. And we did have lots of fun. But I was so nasty to my husband. And I couldn't bring myself to be nice to him...not then or later...even when we did something as a family with another family. What was up with that????

And why? Cause he wanted to do something else for one day? And then when I started thinking about that, I started kicking myself and I couldn't stop. Like, what's wrong with me that I am being such a brat? Why am I so sad? I actually had to leave an exercise class this morning because I was crying. And then I came home to an empty house 'cause my husband was with the little one and the older two were at Hebrew School and I was still crying and crying even more because I was trying to stop myself from crying...is it just me or has that happened to you?

Finally, my husband saw me crying and I told him that I was sorry for being a psycho the day before. While he didn't say he accepted my apology (I don't think I would have either) he did say that it was okay to be sad because then you appreciate being happy. So, then I stopped crying and my daughter came to lay down in my bed with me and held my hand while we watched TV and I wasn't so sad anymore.

So now, I'm still trying to figure out why I was so so sad...could it be that the last 3 years have been really hard and after trying to be so strong and I just snapped? I don't know but I guess I don't care. I will just type this and argue with my son about whether or not he's getting a clone gun...and whether or not he'll put his costume back on...

Don't forget these guys!!!

2010-10-28T22:57:00.000-04:00

Look at these guys! They are hysterical, drive me crazy with their personalities! They are all mine and I am so proud of that!

My mom tells me that if I don't start writing down some of their stories, I'm going to forget them, so I'm going to write a few of them down here for each of them and hopefully continue as the stories keep coming!

My son, the pickiest eater on the planet. While he does eat some decent stuff (yogurt, cheese, deli turkey, homemade chicken nuggets, egg fried rice, bananas, apples - that might be the only healthy stuff he eats), he's never met a vegetable he liked. One night, I had totally had enough of his shenanigans of not trying food. So, I told him that no matter what, he had to eat ONE green pea. He cried, he was hysterical, he kept trying to talk his way out of it, he pretended to gag on one of them and spit it out on the floor...so I told him no dessert without eating a pea. I finally got him to put it in his mouth with a huge mouthful of other food...he tried to gag and spit it out, but I made him drink some water and he got it down! Actually said it wasn't so bad. He actually said that sometimes he's just afraid to try things...my big brave boy! Though, he does jump off the diving board at the pool after one summer of really swimming so he can be brave, just not with food or the dentist. He says he's going to be a shark hunter, or a soldier, or a Jedi, or an archaeologist (how is it he cannot pronounce the word skeleton but he knows the name Giganontasaurus when he sees it???)

He plays sports, but I think he only does that to hang out with his friends. He'd much rather pretend to fight bad guys with his lightsaber (or a stick, or his fingers as guns) than even have a real battle with his friends. He likes to laugh and have fun, but he's definitely not rough and tough! And he likes to give hugs to his mommy still, so I think that's just great!

My little daughter is soooo stubborn. All she wants to do is be like the big kids, but if she doesn't get her way, she screams like a banshee...she thinks that will let her win. That used to work with my husband, but even he's caught onto her scheme. With that one, you just cannot tell if she's really hurt or just being dramatic...most of the time she's just being dramatic. And to brush her teeth with big kid toothpaste, forget about it! Though when she screams when you get near her mouth, it does make her mouth open so you can get the toothbrush in for a count of about 20...but she is funny! We were at the doctor's office the other day, and a woman asked her what her name was. She said, "Minnie Mouse" as she often does. The woman said, "Oh, that's funny 'cause I'm Donald Duck." My daughter said, "No, you're not, you're Goofy!" Totally straight face! She is constantly amazing me with her agility on the computer. When my son was her age, he could barely figure out the up and down arrows...she can navigate to the website she wants without any help. I should probably set up computer filters now!!! She can be the biggest cuddle-bug and loves to sing and dance and pretend she's from Star Wars. Her favorite song is "Thriller" and she will sing it all the time and then do the evil Vincent Price laugh at the end! So funny! She thinks she's scary!!!

Onto my middle child. She can be sweet, artistic, funny, creative, or you could say she's a compulsive liar. Let me just throw out a few examples: Yesterday, she cried at school when they were serving cupcakes for someone's party. When asked the problem, she said, "I'm allergic to vanilla" (I guess she was given a vanilla cupcake) but the truth is that there's no allergy problem, she just wanted chocolate.

When told it was back-to-school night at school, she said that President Obama was babysitting for her.

She told her teacher she would not be in school the next day because we were going to Disney World (not true).

She told me she had a baby in her belly (to which I said to her, "That's great, I really want to be a grandma someday...but could we wait a bit for that???" She said okay

She said she went to Iceland with her Papa and bought special sticks (she's never been out of the U.S.)

She told her religious school teachers that she was allergic to honey, milk and nuts. Guess what? She is not, but the teachers sure yelled at my husband for not filling out an allergy form!

But she says it with such conviction that everyone believes her. I tried to explain to her teacher this year that she has a vivid imagination (but I probably should have just said she's a complete liar) I think the teacher believes me now...But she amazes me with her ballet and even more so with her artwork. She actually drew a picture of a bench looking out on the water that looked like a bench looking out on the water. She's only 5! I cannot even do that!

Well, I need to go to bed to get ready for the Halloween festivites at school and afterwards, so with that said, I'm off to bed.

I wonder what these kids will be like in 5 years. All I can say is that I sure hope they stay as sweet as they are now (no matter how I try to complain about them, they are totally awesome!!!)

What a Day...Can My Description Do It Justice???

2010-09-17T22:23:00.000-04:00

Where do I begin? I'll start with the fact that my youngest daughter, she's almost three, has been sick since Tuesday, I just thought she had a stomach bug, but she was getting a bad cough by last night, so I decided today that I should take her to the doctor.

So, after the normal antics of trying to get three small kids ready for school, you know, screaming about brushing hair and teeth, getting them to sit down and actually eat their breakfast, fighting about not watching TV before breakfast, am I the only one who goes through this each morning??? Oh, and the two-year old has to fight me on whatever I choose for her to wear and to fight me about changing her diaper...I FINALLY get the 1st grader and kindergartener off to school and I make a doctor's appointment for right then.

I get my youngest to the doctor's appointment on time, and while I'm in his office, my phone rings and it looks like the number for the nurse at the elementary school. So, I pick it up and the nurse says, "Hi Mrs. N, your daughter is here and she says her ears hurt her. She doesn't have a fever but she's acting kind of clingy to the teacher's aide and she seems a bit weepy. I think you need to come get her." So, I look at the doctor and tell him the story and he tells me to bring her in right away. Thank goodness I live close to both the school and doctor's office. So, I run into the school to pick up my daughter, who is acting fine and happy, by the way, and run her back to the doctor's office.

After a quick check up he determines that she's fine. So he asks her if she wanted to go back to school or if she thought she needed to stay home with Mommy. She said she needed to stay home with Mommy, at which point I told her that she was going back to school. So, after a sticker and some animal crackers at the doctor's office, we go back to school. In the car ride, she kind of mentions something about a fire alarm, but I didn't really get the gist so I just told her that fire alarms can be loud and send her back to class on her merry way...and she seems totally fine with that.

So, after school, I told the teacher that she tends to be a bit of a Sandra Bernhardt and that she needs to be distracted if she doesn't seem to be acting quite like herself (cause she is one of those kids where if you ask her if her head hurts, not only does she say it hurts, but she then starts to believe her head really hurts!!!) Then, I just ask whether they had a fire alarm that day, and the teacher said, "Yes, in fact, we did, how did you know?" Then I put two and two together. My daughter was holding her ears in class because of the loud fire alarm and she was trying to prevent another one from hurting her ears. Her ears didn't really hurt, but when asked if her ears hurt, she, of course, said, "yes!" Mystery solved!

Now, back to the child who is actually sick. After a little nap, Little Miss Monster wakes up. Now, I mentioned that earlier in the week I thought she had a stomach virus and, as a result, had a pretty nasty diaper rash. Well, she's been quite the dream to change a diaper these days...so the past few, she's turn into the Exorcist child. She screams, kicks and hits me while I am changing her. I know, I shouldn't laugh at her when she's doing this, and trust me, I'm not laughing maliciously at her, but I am trying to figure out how to change her diaper without getting kicked in the chest or head. It is quite the challenge. Tonight, I really thought a neighbor was going to call Child Services on me because she was screaming sooooo loud and our windows were opened. In any event, I hadn't done the best job changing her diaper and I wanted to make sure her diaper area was clean before putting her into PJs, so I decided to give her a quick rinse in the back, just to clean her diaper area. But there she was, kicking and screaming and all I wanted to do in the bath was her diaper area. Quite the challenge, I must say. So, then I tried to get her dressed. Mistake number I-don't-know for the day. At this point, I don't care about her screaming and I didn't even try to put diaper cream on her tush, I just wanted her to not be naked going to bed. I finally get clothes on her, and she's still swinging her arms at me. So, to take her off of her changing table, I pick her up but pin her arms under mine so she can't swing them at my head. So, do you know what she does? She's so freakin' smart she starts trying to bite me! I hope you are laughing, because at this point it's comical!

And my other two kids keep coming up to me to find out what's wrong with the Exorcist child, and then they both try (at separate times, of course) to give me a hard time over something for another. I let them know, especially as the older and wiser children, that I've spent all of my patience quota for the day on the Exorcist child and they better just get in line 'cause I couldn't be held responsible for what happened otherwise...no but seriously, I just told them she was crazy and I couldn't afford for them to be crazy too. A little bribery of dessert and a little TV kept them in line. Exorcist child wasn't allowed downstairs after all of that. No, I didn't lock her in her room, but I certainly kept my distance!

Okay, I know, I know, poor baby is sick, but it's not like I was shoving medicine down her throat. Oh, which reminds me, that the doctor told me that I should give Exorcist child honey instead of cough medicine for her cough. I thought that was a great idea! Who doesn't like honey? Exorcist child. In fact, she disliked it so much, that after trying to give her a half of a teaspoon full, and smelling that her diaper needed to be changed, she not only refused the honey but proceeded to vomit up all over the changing table. And still kept screaming...oh wow!

And my husband left me with Exorcist child and two others (who really were pretty much angels when they weren't trying to leave the dining room table and avoid eating dinner or jumping on each other with food in their mouths...I don't live in a barn, I promise you! I kept trying to get them to sit at the table and use good table manners and eat their food, but tonight just wasn't Emily Post night at my house!) while he went to services. So after all was said and done and I spent time making a big dinner for everyone, I still had to clean up...which isn't a big deal, but I just felt like bitching about something else. I guess I should call this Dali Mamma Lama and the Terrible, Horrible, Not So Good, Very Bad Day. The End.

Carpe Diem

2010-09-09T22:37:00.000-04:00

For all of you out there who are Jewish, L'Shana Tova to you and your family! May this year be a happy, healthy and prosperous one for us all!

I was at high holiday services today, and our rabbi kept talking about how we have to listen better, listen to our friends and families, listen to the world around us, and also to listen to ourselves and not brush aside those ideas that we say we want to do. The rabbi said that he has heard many people talk about things that they regretted not doing in life, so he suggests that we do those things that inspire us and not just wait to regret those lost ideas someday...

So, as I was trying very hard to continue to listen to what the rabbi was saying, I was trying to think about those things that I wanted to do, that I always talk about doing but haven't yet done and also what I would regret not having done if I died today. Then, I reminded myself that I needed to listen better, so I asked my husband to remind me to write tonight so I could concentrate on the sermon.

What would I regret if I died today? Besides the obvious of not seeing my three beautiful children grow up to be adults, I would regret not making them laugh more, not giving them enough hugs and kisses, yelling at them maybe a bit more than necessary. I would regret not writing down the stories I make up for them every day, maybe not for the public to read, but for them to read someday. And I would regret that I didn't get to grow old with my husband and nag him forever and ever...that's a joke but I'm not sure he'd see it that way!

But there are things that I would regret that I have not personally done. I would regret that I never really wrote down how my husband and I pulled together a wedding in 2 1/2 weeks, we had such a good time and I love telling people the story (whether they want to hear it or not), and I've always said I need to write the story down before I forget it. Maybe turn it into a book, that would be cool!

I would regret never learning to play the piano. We got an old piano from a neighbor and I've even had it tuned...I took one lesson 7 months ago, but haven't gone back to it. Okay, so I had another medical procedure shortly after that lesson, but I've got to figure out how to fit it into mine and my children's schedules...I want to be able to sing all of the songs that I love anytime I want to and entertain people on my piano!

I would regret not having a huge party for all of my friends and family just because they mean so much to me. I always talk about having a big party, but get caught up and never get around to that. I want to remedy that one if not this year, then for our 10th year anniversary, just having a big party to celebrate how important people are to me.

I would regret all the times I held back, that I didn't say exactly what I felt or did what I wanted to do for fear I would embarrass myself. I know that one sounds hokey, but sometimes I think I'm a bit too reserved, especially when I'm not really reserved. I know, everyone is allowed to be shy once and a while, but sometimes, I think I do it because I'm afraid. I don't want to regret that...

For the most part, I am really happy with my life and especially how good I feel after the horrible year I had last year. But there are these few things that I talk about too much and do too little about. Maybe this year will be about making those things happen...now, I must go write down some stories for the kids, for them to have someday...Carpe Diem!!!

Herceptin is finished!!! I am done!!!

2010-07-30T09:50:00.000-04:00

It has been almost 3 months since my last post. Why haven't I written? I guess because I've felt so good that I haven't had the time to sit down at the computer and write about my goings-on...but today is a very momentous day, even more momentous than the end of chemo...my herceptin treatments are finished!!! I do not have to go back to be poked and prodded every three weeks. I do not have to have some strange (though helpful) medicine pumped in my veins. I don't have to explain to my kids where I'm going at 6:30 in the morning anymore...I just don't have to think about it at all anymore!

I find myself crying happy tears because I am happy that this chapter in my life has come to an end. I find myself crying because I am so proud of how my body has managed to go through hell and back and is working harder every day. Physically, I am strong. And my mind is strong, too!

I don't really know how other people get through this. I've really only met strong supportive women who seem to treat what they've gone through as a daily occurrence and not some life-altering episode. And while I am reflecting on this whole occurrence a bit more today than yesterday, I know in a matter of minutes my children will bound through the door and I will not have the time to think about what has happened to me.

I thank my family and friends for all of their support throughout this time. I know I don't thank anyone as much as I should, but the ways people were so helpful and supportive and thoughtful, it means more to me than you all can ever know!

Okay, literally, three kids 6 and under are about to walk in the door. Time to look ahead, and not behind, and to enjoy all that I have!!!

Paper Mache Anyone???

2010-05-06T22:18:00.000-04:00

Today, my oldest child turned 6...I just love the curls!!! We had a great day today! I just cannot believe he turned 6! I'm not wondering where the time went or how I miss him being little, but I am just so proud of hm and what a sweet boy he has become!

This year for his birthday, I decided to have seven of his closest friends over for a playdate birthday party. Two kids are coming from across the street to organize a kickball game for them (how long could that last???), they want to play war with his 1,000 little plastic army soldiers, they will have dinner and dessert, watch some Tom & Jerry (who doesn't love those guys???) and they are going to do an art project.

Now, my son is very into Star Wars and I was trying to think of a project where they could spend some time doing an art project that they can destroy afterwards. So, I've decided to make paper mache Death Stars that I'll fill with some army soldiers and the boys can destroy them after they decorate them and get a prize inside!!!

Sound good so far? Well, so far so good, but you cannot make paper mache anything in a few hours, so I'm starting the process of making the Death Stars. My plan is to have them primed and ready so the kids need only decorate and destroy...but it is not a quick process to make these things! So, here is Phase I of the project:

I'll keep updating as time goes on so you can see the progress and finished product. I know so many friends who will probably think I'm crazy for spending so much time on a party trick that will be destroyed, but I think my son will appreciate it...and if not, I'll kick his butt! (Okay, not really) I planned this party for 4 hours. I just need to make sure I can entertain this group of 5 and 6 year old kids long enough that they don't destroy my house or each other! I'll bet I can make this art project drag on for at least 15 minutes. What do you think???

Did it really not post???

2010-05-05T22:52:00.000-04:00

Oy vey! I was in the oncologists office waiting for a cancer flu shot treatment and I spent alot of time talknig about my dichotomy: I am so happy to feel good physically, yet, I feel so "ok" with the emotional stuff. I want to feel good about all of it but I just don't! I know it is great going to see my oncologist, especially when she tells me how great everything is going physically, but mentally, everytime I'm scheduled to go in for a treament, I freak out! What's up with that? I'd like to think I'm doing fine, but after my social worker talk today , I have alot of work to go...even though my surgeries are finished and I have nipples to show the world. I'm not going to do that, but now I could!

My social worker told me that I'm heading into the hardest part...the part where there is no treatment...I thought I was home free, but my mind is telling me otherwise. My mind keeps freaking out for nothing, though I really think it's the end of the cyclical treatments I've had. I can be as smiley as I want to be and as happy as I can be because treatments are over, but I still have these nagging thoughts in my head about being alone in this cancer world.

I've already gone the route of dealling with cancer once. I read some womens' blogs about recurrence. i just cannot imagine that! But they deal with it gracefully and with strength I cannot begin to imagine...I guess I am just fearful that I don't want to do this again. I don't know that I can be this strong the second time around...

I love life, I love my kids, I adore my husband, I am so thankful of the things I can do now, but these nagging feelings about the things that have changed in my life drive me crazy!

Support My Fight Against Women's Cancers!

2010-04-25T14:01:00.002-04:00

On Saturday, May 1st, I will be participating in the 13th Annual EIF Revlon Run/Walk For Women. You can join me in the fight against women's cancers by making a donation on my behalf. Your donation will help fund
important research into the cause and cure of women's cancers, prevention, education and support service programs. Every dollar will help bring us one step closer to a cure.

To make a donation, click on the link below:

https://www.revlonrunwalk.com/ny/secure/mywebpage.cfm?cfid=1236690&cftoken=4741c2f83228a041-CB632C52-D56B-8660-9E1D12532FF57DF0

On behalf of all the women and their families who will benefit from your generous donation (including my own), Thank You!

So Maybe It Was Scarlet Fever After All...

2010-04-14T22:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm done talking about my strep, but in 6 weeks, my family of 5 has had 10 cases of strep. The last time I went to my ENT doctor, he looked at my tongue and said, "Maybe you had scarlet fever after all...your tongue looks like that of a Scarlet Fever patient..." Are you kidding me? Well, whatever the case, the rash all over my body did go away in three weeks, as promised, so allergy or not, it's gone.

My reconstruction surgery is looking much better. Though everytime I saw a doctor, they said the surgery sites looked great, they looked so AWFUL to me I couldn't stand it! But, today I finally thought they didn't look so bad! Every day gets better and better, truly it does!

And spring is here and I am finally feeling like myself again. I have the energy to go run and play with my kids and I'm not afraid to hug them tight as I had been!

I am sure in a few years I will look back and wonder if I really went through what I did, and not think of it every day...don't get me wrong, I don't let it consume me and depress me, but the physical reminders are always there so a day doesn't go by that I don't think about the surgeries...but that's okay because I know this will pass!

Okay, so over spring break, when everyone had strep and I was afraid to bring them in too close of contact with other kids, we went to some museums, zoos, aquariums...we had a good time. Here's a new pic of the cuties

Not the best picture, but we had such a great day!!!

Would you believe it was only an allergy???

2010-03-29T21:40:00.000-04:00

So, just to update you all from my last post, where my primary doctor left me with Scarlet Fever and two ENT doctors to follow up with...well, here's how the story ended:

I went to an ENT on Friday, full itch and now feeling awful joint pain. The doctor looked at my throat and my rash and told me that I did not have Scarlet Fever, but he did want to run bloodwork to ensure there was no strep in my bloodstream. Apparently, there are a lot of false positive instant strep tests (did you know that?) but this doctor couldn't conclude that I didn't have strep anymore...he just thought I probably did not.

So, full of rash, I call my reconstruction surgeon's office to tell them I still have a rash and it is spreading to my reconstructed boobs and newly reconstructed nipples. Thank goodness my mom was with me because they sent me immediately to their office...two more doctors looked at me and determined my surgery was not compromised from the rash, but they wanted me to see a dermatologist in the hospital on the spot.

This cancer dermatologist who kindly agreed to fit me in, looked at me for 30 seconds (after hearing all of my symptoms) and said I was allergic to Penicillin and if I stopped taking the medicine, he was sure I didn't have strep and would feel all better in two to three weeks.

So, I got the results from my long strep test, and wouldn't ya know it? Negative!!! So, I have been having a bad allergic reaction and am finally starting to feel better after 3 days without antibiotics! Yay!

However, my 4 1/2 year old daughter just got strep again tonight. I do have someone help me clean the house, but I just spent the last hour disinfecting every doorknob and commonly touched items in the house (light switches, toilet flushers, etc) to make sure it isn't something that easy to fix...I guess I won't be hosting my Passover Seder tomorrow night that I've been preparing for the past few days...who wants to be with a kid recently diagnosed with strep? I left the decision up to the other families, but who would want to risk getting strep?

Oh, and my mother-in-law shared a spoon with this child yesterday. No good...no good!

On the positive side, I am THRILLED with the level of care and attention I receive from my cancer center, Memorial Sloane Kettering Cancer Center in NYC. Everyone from the people who greet you at the doors to the nurses to the doctors to the fact that it is a one-stop shop makes it so wonderful. If you ever know anyone who wants to talk to a patient about Sloane Kettering vs. other hospitals, I'd love to share my story!

Okay, I can feel a little bit sorry for myself...

2010-03-24T15:44:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, I developed a little rash...my legs were itching, but I thought maybe I got a little sunburn or something from being at the beach (though I was wearing capri pants and very little leg was showing...) By Monday, it wasn't really any better so I called my doctor and told her about the rash. I DID NOT want to go see her because I've been to too many doctors appointments in the past month (between strep and nipple reconstruction and Herceptin treatments and seeing my cancer surgeon) and I just wanted her to tell me something over the phone. She thought that I was having an allergic reaction to an inhaler I was given; so she told me to stop using the inhaler and just use some Benadryl at night to sleep.

By Wednesday (today), the rash was really getting worse...so after my Herceptin treatment, I went to the doctor. Found out I not only have strep throat AGAIN, but I have Scarlet Fever (yay, rash!) I was totally freaking out that I was immuno-compromised from my chemo treatments in the past. Well, I spoke to my oncology nurse and she assured me that my white-blood count was totally normal as of the end of February and that I just might be run down from the surgery two weeks ago and trying to recover from that and the strep.

I am just done with being sick and all this other garbage. Sorry, I am feeling sorry for myself today. I just want to play with my kids but since my doctor cannot assure me that I will not be contagious after 24 hours of antibiotics (because 2 rounds of it, though different kinds, have not yet cured it) she thinks I need to be careful around kids...ugh!

Tomorrow will be a better day, I am sure of it!

Things Aren't Always So Bad...

2010-03-21T21:12:00.000-04:00

You can sit and feel sorry for yourself and your current situation...before I found out I had breast cancer, I would have said the worst thing was that my husband took a package and was not working (but he made enough money to last us through our year plus with cancer without having to THINK about spending), before that, it was my one year old daughter's tip of her finger that had been cut off when another sibling slammed a door with her finger caught inside it (but after a trip to the emergency room and some plastic surgeon visits, you would barely know anything had happened)...I can go on with little things that I used to consider "problems" before the whole cancer thing (oh, and I can say that wasn't so bad...it was caught so early, the size of a grain of rice, that it had not grown big enough to feel or to travel to my lymph nodes so a blessing that it was found so early)...

But last night, I realized how lucky I am! Last night, I was at the diner with my two girls and I saw this boy who seemed to be autistic, though I would never know for sure so I would never say anything...it turns out I know the mom. I had met her 4 years ago, after my middle daughter was born, and we were in a playgroup together. They were all first time moms and having 2 kids 17 months apart was too much for me to deal with mom's with only ONE kid. I had juggling to do! In any event, it turns out this boy who I knew as a baby, and who seemed further along than my daughter, ended up with alot of developmental issues.

Now, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy, but when I left there, I really thanked god for three beautiful and healthy children. Okay, they drive me nuts sometimes, but let me have problems and let my kids grow to be very old and happy and healthy. I don't care what life holds for me, though I do hope to live a long and healthy life, and I will always be grateful for my three silly, happy, intelligent, beautiful, kind, caring and loving kiddos!

Does it get any better than this?

2010-03-17T22:05:00.000-04:00

I live in Northern New Jersey. We just had one helluva storm this past weekend! I'm not trying to compare it to places who get hit with natural disasters all the time, but we had such a huge wind and rain storm after one of the heaviest snowstorms two weeks prior...all I can say is it looks like Armageddon around here. You cannot go down two blocks without seeing at least one one-hundred-year-old tree in the middle of a street (sometimes with a car underneath) and power lines mangled underneath as well.

I guess the trees were so water-logged from the heavy wet snow (where we lost almost an entire Magnolia tree) that the heavy winds were just too much for the trees so they are EVERYWHERE!

Both of my kids' schools have been out the past two days due to lack of power. Most of our neighbors are still without power. Or water. Or cable (god forbid!!!) We lost power for 24 hours, but we now have everything back. We did go an hour south of here for the second night (just before our power came back) to stay at my in-laws. It's nice to have someplace to go...but I'm sure we won't be welcome back anytime soon! Why, do you ask?

Yesterday my husband and I both woke up with sore throats. I thought it might be allergies, but wasn't sure, especially since I just finished having strep throat two weeks ago. Our 4 year old daughter started acting really funny complaining about her stomach in the afternoon and our almost 6 year old son has been very weepy for the past week and has had a very sensitive stomach as well. Again, I could have attributed these stomach ailments to my mother-in-laws cooking. They ate it, I didn't. But last night the 4 year old kept sitting up in her sleep crying out loud. We knew something was wrong.

This morning, we woke up and our throats still hurt. So, my husband went to work and made a doc appointment for him and me and I took our 3 kids to the pediatrician's office. I told them they were all getting strep tests whether they liked it or not...then the doc gave one to me (and my son held my hand so I wouldn't cry). Fifteen minutes later, we ALL had tested positive for strep. I kid you not! Then, I got a call from my husband that he, too, has strep. Is this a joke???? And this is why I wonder if we'll ever be invited back to my in-laws house!

I guess I was never fully cured from my original strep and then kindly gave it to the rest of my family, but hopefully we will all get better at the same time. I guess it was good that I was proactive this time and took everyone to the doc together!

I had to postpone my Herceptin treatment, which was scheduled for tomorrow, not because the Herceptin will hurt me with strep, but I could infect patients with compromised immune systems waiting for their chemo treatments. I just feel badly that I was sick the past week, and didn't realize it, and I was at different doctor's appointments for the nipple reconstruction surgery I had a week ago. I may have been sick around those same people with compromised immune systems...well, I hope not!

Honestly, as long as I can still go to my follow-up plastic surgeon's appointment in two days, I will be fine. I just need to know that my nipples really are healing well, 'cause everytime I look at them, I want to barf (but the nurses have insisted that everything looks great).

So, this has not been a great couple of weeks. I couldn't get out of bed on Saturday because I was so depressed over all of the recovery, having my period, not being able to shower, still feeling sick and not knowing why...but now I know why - I still had strep!

The Final Installment - Nipples!

2010-03-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, I had my (hopefully) last surgery for this "episode" in my life: I had my nipple & areola reconstruction surgery. I have been looking forward to having my breasts look somewhat "normal" again and not "frankenboobs" as my husband likes to refer to them!

Surgery was easy and very fast! Less than 2 hours! The doctor took my skin graft from my upper inner thigh...the place where your underwear hits the crease in your leg. I was so worried about having yet ANOTHER scar on my body, 3 c-sections and bilateral mastectomy scars were quite enough, thank you! I kept talking to my plastic surgeon and asking him if we could use my c-section scar tissue for the areola reconstruction, but he kept telling me that it would look better with the inner thigh tissue and, since my breasts already looked so good, why wouldn't I just use the tissue that would make my breasts look their best? The doc won.

Well, we will see how good they look! Right now I still have some bandages on my breasts, which will come off on Friday, but I've also been told that they will still not look great until all the swelling and bruising goes down, in about 6 weeks. Since my breasts are mostly numb, they really don't have any discomfort. However, I am STILL walking funny from the stitches and I guess the glue coating to protect the incision (although it is getting better) and I am still going commando (hurts to wear underwear) but this too shall pass! So will the lack of a full shower for another 9 days...

I want to say more, but I don't know when I am saying too much. Oh well, I am good at babbling anyway. I am totally grossed out today because I just got my period. While that, in and of itself, isn't usually an issue, the first two days of my period are like a flood...I go through a SuperPlus tampon in about an hour...and I usually wear a pad to protect myself, but since I cannot even wear underwear, a pad is totally out of the question. So, I feel even MORE uncomfortable today, so much so that I don't want to leave the house for an extended period of time...oh well, I know this too shall pass, but I just wish that it was possible to take a pass on getting your period every once in a while, like right now, after having surgery.

Oh, and last week, before I had my surgery, I got strep throat and was out of commission for the week. I swear, I am pushing my husband to the limit. He is so awesome and is totally picking up the slack for me, and while I am helping out where I can, he is still schleping the kids to school and after school activities and giving them their bath. I know, I know, it is getting better every day and next year, I'll be able to do this on my own again, but I just want him to go out and work, not have to take care of me and the kids all day. Okay, that's my complaining. Thanks for listening.

It is a beautiful day and I plan to go outside and enjoy some of it, but I just wish I was feeling 100% and not less than that!

The greatest compliment and the person never even knew it

2010-02-12T23:07:00.000-05:00

So, I’ve been mentioning these past few blogs about my trip to San Diego by myself, where I tried to do something physically and emotionally satisfying each day, things that I cannot do when I am with my three kids.

All week I had this plan to go kayaking in the Pacific Ocean to look for grey whales that are currently migrating from the Bering Strait to the Baja Penninsula. I figured if my TV debut was off, I was going to make the most out of this trip, come hell or highwater!

I became very discouraged earlier in the week when I was told I might not have a kayak tour because I was only one person, and it wasn’t cost-effective for the shop to send out one guide with one person, and no one else had signed up for a kayaking tour. But, they kindly acquiesced the morning of my scheduled journey and said they would take me alone (La Jolla Kayak http://www.lajollakayak.com/ was the shops’ name and they were great. Highly recommend using their shop for all types of adventuring out in San Diego, CA).

By the time I was supposed to go out on my tour, a family of four (mom, dad and two teenagers) signed up as well! I was pretty psyched. Family was from Canada and the parents were really nice and very friendly. The mom and I both got sea sick on our trip. She actually voiced it to the guide first, and during the journey, when we had paddled out farther to search for whales, I joined the barf-bandwagon.

When we got back to shore, she told me how brave she thought I was for kayaking by myself. She said she didn’t think that she would have chosen this activity if she had been by herself. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell her about my cancer diagnosis a year ago. I wanted to tell her that I have fake boobs and sometimes I am still worried about doing physical activity with my upper body, and how proud I was of myself for kayaking for two hours straight, but I didn’t. I am trying not to broadcast to the entire world that I am a cancer survivor of just a year. I don’t want that to define me; yet, I feel like it is still an all-encompassing thought in my head these days.

I hold out hope that after a few years I won’t think about it every day as my defining moment in life, but right now, it is what it is, so I will continue to write about that.

I could not will the plane fast enough…

2010-02-12T23:01:00.002-05:00

I just finished a week of being away from my husband and my kids. I’ve had two mimosas, and could have another, but I only want them to get some sleep on the plane…but I cannot sleep. I am so excited to go home and see my three kids. I cannot wait to feel their arms wrap around me.

Yesterday, I was kayaking in the Pacific Ocean. It was an absolutely glorious experience, both physically and mentally. A year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It changed my life, literally. I never thought about the fact that this tumor could kill me, I just thought about how to get rid of it and make my life normal again. And there I was, a year later, kayaking for two plus hours, battling waves, searching for grey whales and sea lions, and fighting off the sea sick nausea that kept nagging me. While I was feeling ill, I kept saying to myself, “C’mon, Paula, you’ve fought worse things than this. Just shake out a burp and you’ll be okay…” Okay, I know, too much information, but that was all I kept thinking, “You fought chemotherapy, you can handle sea sickness!”

The good news is that I didn’t barf, much to my guide’s chagrin (he told us if we were going to barf, to let everyone know so they could watch…). But I am telling you, as I was working my way back to shore, paddling and feeling quite exhausted and queasy, I felt like I was never going to get back to shore. I thought, for sure, the waves would propel me faster to shore, but they didn't and I just could not get to the shore fast enough! I just wanted to have my Fred Flinstone car to use my legs to help run me back onto the beach…it felt like forever. Just like this plane flight to get home to my little ones, and my husband. I wish I could flap my wings and get us home faster, but I cannot. I will just sit here and write and not sleep and think about all of the fun things I want to do with my kids when I get home. And I cannot wait!

Not a TV Star Today...

2010-02-12T00:06:00.000-05:00

My friend who is a TV producer invited me out to San Diego for the week to be an extra on one of her TV programs. I was only going to be used for dramatizations, you weren't actually going to see my face, but still, it was going to be cool. Oh, but show biz is a tricky lady...the interview was on again, off again, on again and finally off completely, so I was out. There's the downer of the week.

The uppers are quite cool. While I spent alot of time by myself out in San Diego, I was away from my kids and my husband and, pretty much, did what I wanted to! I haven't been away from my whole family for over 5 years (though I have gone on many trips with just my husband). My husband has been begging me to go away, so when this opportunity presented itself, he was the first to say, "yes!"

I went to a museum by myself and didn't have to rush. I had a leisurely lunch and read an entire book during the middle of the day (The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane). I had a special tour at the San Diego Zoo where I fed and pet Galapagos Tortoises, Akapis and camels...I saw grey whales spouting water out of their blowholes (from afar), I went kayaking in the Pacific Ocean and saw seals and sea lions in the water...so cool!

While I was here for some of San Diego's coldest and rainiest weather, I still missed the blizzard in New Jersey and dealing with the kids out of school for two days. I thought my husband was going to lose his mind for two days!

I am ready to see my kids. I miss them terribly. I miss my husband terribly too.

I need an idea

2010-01-25T22:26:00.000-05:00

I cannot think of anything to write I know that is a lame excuse for a post, but my mind is totally blank. I watched the news and I know there is stuff going on in the world, but all I can think of is the limerick I had to write in 5th grade for a long-term project on Mythology. So, instead of blabbing for a long time, I'll leave you with this:

Medusa could kill with a look,
And not thirty seconds it took!
She'd turn you to stone
With a hideous groan
By a method not found in a book!

Happy Monday!

I've taken Ativan the past two days...need I say more?

2010-01-23T21:05:00.000-05:00

Why am I my harshest critic?
Why do I take everything my kids do wrong personally?
Why do I feel so insecure right now?
Could it be my hair growing back but still so short? Okay, positive note is that I've stopped wearing wigs, but I truly HATE the way I look. I think I'm going to go buy one of those fake ponytails so I feel like I have long hair...
Could it be that I am a lawyer who stopped working when my 5 year old was born and now I feel like I couldn't get a job if I needed to? Maybe I shouldn't have stepped out of the workforce to begin with, but I DO enjoy having free-time with my kids...
Could it be that I hate my new boobs and the fact that I feel like the Tamoxifen has made me put on weight that I just feel so unsexy that I haven't gotten my groove back?
I think I need a therapist...oh, and I am not taking Ativan again tonight, so I guess no matter how uncomfortable I have felt, it is not such that I need to take it again...

Happy New Year - the good the bad and the ugly!

2010-01-09T21:26:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! What has happened since 2010?

On 1/2/10, I got my period, with a vengance! Yes, it is back. I was really worried that I was going to have early menopause (as one doctor said might happen due to chemo and Herceptin, but she was wrong!) and I'm not really sure why, but that was not the case and I am not sad to have it back! I know, too much information, but for any women reading this who have or are going through what I went through, it is kind of a big deal!

I went skiing out west in Utah with my husband this past week. I have always been an adequate skier, but to get to the next level, I have been teaching myself how to ski down the mountain. Very hard to do as an adult, but I am doing that. I took a lesson out West, and my instructor was pushing me pretty hard. I guess she worried that I wasn't having fun, but all I kept thinking about in my head was how proud I was of myself for actually skiing after the horrible year I had! Not two months ago I had surgery for final breast implants, and not four months ago I was sitting in a chair having chemotherapy, and there I was actually skiing some blue trails and not falling down. I almost cried I was so happy! AND re-teaching yourself the proper way to ski is pretty hard, so I am damn proud of myself for the hard work!

The negative thoughts in my head are that I really do not like the new boobs. I might tell you that I'm happy because they will be perky forever, and maybe once I have nipples I won't feel so badly, but the truth is that I don't like at all how they look. Okay, so I've gained a few pounds and maybe I'll like them more once I start really getting back to the gym, but I really don't like the way they look. They aren't big enough, they get really cold when I'm out in the cold (like I don't remember ever happening before) , they still have ugly scars on parts of them because they still have not fully healed, and I get some crazy under-the-skin itching that I cannot explain or get rid of, but I know is EXTREMELY annoying!

I hate to start of my 2010 blog with some negativity, but it is true and I guess I won't be happy until I lose some weight or at least get some new nipples!!!

On a brighter note, I have stopped wearing wigs all the time. My hair is growing back to the point where, while it is very short, it is covering enough of my head where I won't wear a wig anymore. I still want longer hair, but it will get there!

Happy and a Healthy New Year to all!!!

2009-12-30T14:57:00.000-05:00

Over the past two years, a lot of crazy things have happened. First, I want to write the series of events as a series of negative statements, but then describe the same events as a series of positives. Why am I doing this? I don't know, but I know that I got a fax today from my father that made me want to write about all of this.

In the summer of 2007, my husband was working for a hedge fund that traded sub-prime mortgages. I was pregnant with our third child. I knew that the market was crumbling, because my husband told me so. I was worried about health insurance for the baby that would be born in a few months. It turned out that his company went under a few weeks before the baby was born but signed on with a new company days before the baby was born.

In January 2008, my brother, who was morbidly obese (6'2" and almost 480 lbs.) decided to have elective gastric bypass surgery. He suffered a number of complications from that surgery and he died in March 2008. He was my only sibling.

In the Fall of 2008, I got pregnant. I was not prepared. When I became prepared to have a fourth child (at the time, my oldest was 4, the next 3, the next not even 1) I had a miscarriage. I had not been to a primary care physician in about 4 years, and the miscarriage made me realize that it was time to start taking care of myself and make sure I was in optimum health because I wanted to be around for my 3 children.

In October 2008, my husband's aunt had a lumpectomy from a breast cancer diagnosis over the summer. She subsequently went through chemotherapy and radiation. Another cousin, we found out, had pre-cancerous breast cells and she had a double mastectomy in 2006.

In November 2008, my husband took a package from his company and was laid off. By doing so, he received a decent settlement package and health insurance coverage through January 31, 2009, after which COBRA would pick up starting February 1, 2009.

Sometime in December 2008, in the middle of the night, I felt a pinch in my left tricep muscle. It woke me up and made me fearful that something bad was wrong, though after that moment, I never had a pain again.

In January 2009, I met a wonderful primary care physician who sent me for a barrage of tests, from a colonoscopy, to a dermatologist, to a baseline mammogram because I had lumpy breast tissue.

Late January 2009, I had my first mammogram. I was told that there was a calcification in one area, but not to worry, that happened to alot of women at their baseline mammogram, and a follow-up sonogram would be no big deal.

February 26, 2009, I went back for my follow-up sonogram and mammogram. They saw a spot. I was not nervous. They said they wanted to do a fine needle aspiration biopsy and I would know the results in 30 minutes. I was not nervous. The spot was only 5mm, smaller than a grain of rice. I was not nervous. 30 minutes later, I was told I had invasive ductal carcinoma, I had cancer. Then a nurse told me that my options were double mastectomy or lumpectomy with radiation. Finally, I was nervous.

April 8, 2009, I had a double mastectomy and over the next month I had tissue expansions to get my breasts to about a small C size (from the 34DD size I was before). My surgeon called two weeks later to tell me that the cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes so the chances of having to go through chemotherapy were very small. Though my older daughter told me she didn't like me because of my drains that came out of my body that she could feel and for the fact that I could not pick her up.

In early May 2009, my cancer surgeon informed me that I would have to go through chemotherapy because I was Estrogen positive and Her2Neu positive (which meant that my cancer would grow aggressively if it somehow got into my bloodstream).

June 3, 2009 would start the summer of chemo...and not chemo-lite, but chemo that made all of my hair all over my body fall out, made me lose my taste for anything sweet or tomato based, made me sick to my stomach 24/7 for the first round of treatments and then suffer from intolerable bone pain and some toe numbness for the second round of treatments, made me so exhausted during certain days where I could barely rouse myself out of bed...I could not stand the way I looked. I would change outfits 4 times a day because I felt that nothing looked good on me. I never went out without a scarf or wig on because I just couldn't stand the way I looked...and if I tried to exercise, my heart felt like it was jumping out of my chest and I was going to pass out at any moment...

I still have an IV drug (Herceptin) that I have to receive every 3 weeks through August 2010 that is the miracle drug for Her2Neu positive patients. I opted not to have a port put in, so every time I have a Herceptin treatment or had to have chemo, they had to poke my veins each time. I have such bad scar tissue in some areas that I cannot even have needles put in there. I cringe every time I have to go back for my Herceptin treatments...

November 11, 2009, I had my exchange procedure (temporary breast expanders to final silicone implants). I am coming upon the end of the six week recovery period. I cannot wait to pick up my kids.

I cannot believe this happened to me. I am still trying to figure out what I did that was so bad that I would have to suffer this pain, from my brother to my own pain. What did my parents do to have one child die one year and then less than a year later, have the other child diagnosed with cancer. What did they do wrong???

The positive spin:

In 2007, I gave birth to our third child, a beautiful little girl. Despite the fact that my husband's company was defunct, he got another job and we had health insurance coverage with no problems.

Sad to say, but I cannot find anything positive in my brother dying, except that he was finally trying to do something positive for himself, but unfortunately, never got to see the fruits of that labor...

In the Fall 2008, I had a miscarriage. I am not sad about that because I never would have been able to manage four kids age five and under. I joke that you would have read about me in the newspaper killing myself and my four children because I truly would not have been able to handle the madness!!!

In November 2008, my husband took a package and was laid off from his company. Thank goodness he got a settlement that was decent enough that he has been able to stay at home during my entire cancer treatment and we are not worried about health insurance or how we are going to survive financially. He has even been able to take on some pet projects and finance those on his own. He is so much happier out of the industry though he does wonder why we live 12 minutes from Manhattan if he's not working there...

In December 2008, I think my brother's spirit pinched me under my arm. I have no other explanation as to what caused that sharp pain that sent me to the doctor in January. I know, there are numerous other explanations, but I'd like to think my brother's spirit, less than a year after his death, came to me and alerted me as soon as possible to get my ass to the doctor because something bad was a-brewin' inside me! When I tell my dad this story, it brings him to tears. That pinch helped save my life.

In January 2009, I went to a doctor who felt my boobs and said I should have a mammogram. In subsequent conversations, she told me that she never felt anything, but that she thought my lumpy breast tissue was reason enough for a baseline mammogram. I had been to the OB/GYN for years prior to that and he felt me up all the time, and he never felt the necessity to send me for a baseline mammogram. My primary care physician saved my life!

February 26, 2009, I was diagnosed with an aggressive but garden-variety type of cancer. Thank goodness I found out before it had a chance to travel to my lymph nodes or become such a large tumor that I could have felt it myself. I WAS SO LUCKY TO FIND THIS CANCER! I had one doctor tell me that this had been growing for a matter of months...unbelievable!

March 2009, my husband and I take the kids to Disney World so that we could all have some fun before the tough stuff began.

April 8, 2009, I got rid of almost all possibility of the cancer ever coming back by having the double mastectomy. I mean, although there was always a small chance of cancer coming back because the surgeon could not guarantee every breast cell was removed, my thought was the less tissue the less chances that the cancer would return.

May 2009, I am told I am going to have chemo. I was told that although the tumor was less than 1 cm (9mm all in) and I was under the age of 40 (diagnosis at 37), if a microscopic cancer cell got somewhere else in my body, it would grow very aggressively, so the chemo would hopefully take care of that. And while there are very few positive things to say about the side effects of chemotherapy (I still have not gotten my period back - is that a positive or a negative?) this made my chances of having cancer again that much less. In fact, I have to believe if there was something else growing in my body, this poison got rid of that!!!

September 2009, Chemo is finished! While my hair didn't fully fall out until it was over, I am happy to say, three months later, that my hair is as long as Annie Lenox and I have had to have eyebrow and bikini waxes and I have all of my tastebuds back so I am eating sugar and tomato sauce like a madwoman (is that a positive or negative, I am not sure, my tight pants say bad, but since I was not able to eat food for so long, it's all good!)

November 11, 2009, I had my exchange procedure. I now have my perky silicone implants. I won't have to wear a bra when I'm 80 and, because the cancer is gone, I have a good chance of living a long healthy life! I am also free to pick up my kids and throw them around. Life is good!

The end of the year is near. While I don't wish the time away at all, I am glad this year is over. A Happy and Healthy New Year to all!

Let Them Eat Cake!!!

2009-12-17T15:19:00.001-05:00

I have one more week to go before I can have the unlimited ability to pick up my kids and throw them around! My six week recovery period from my latest surgery will be over on Wednesday and that just cannot come soon enough for me!

I just have to share this story from a 2 year old birthday party I attended a few days ago. Talk about someone who needs to get a life...my 2 year old daughter was at a birthday party. She had a great time at the gym-themed birthday party, climbing on the balance beam, swinging from swings, and bouncing on the trampoline, but what I think she liked best was the icing on the birthday cake. She sat for about 20 minutes daintily picking at the icing with her fork, she didn't need my help at all, and that was fine with me (as I was enjoying my own piece of cake!)

But as I am standing there watching my daughter with her icing, I see a mom of twins next to me, icing all over her fingers, throwing the icing in the garbage. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was throwing away the icing from her kids' cake because she didn't want them getting messy...she didn't want her two year old kids getting messy with cake at a birthday party. Is it me or is there something wrong with that? To her defense, she does own a kids clothing store boutique, so I guess that she always wants her kids looking their best, but it's not like the icing doesn't come off in the wash! I really felt badly for her kids, as one of them was looking at my daughter's cake longingly, and wondering why his cake didn't look the same.

I just found it so surprising that someone could be that anal with a two-year old having cake. I thought that two-year old's were synonymous with messes but maybe that's why my house, while clean, always looks messy. Maybe I am the one who's wrong on this situation, but couldn't she have just brought a change of clothes for her kids if she was that worried about them getting ruined???

In reality, thank god that messy icing is the worst of her concerns. I hope that continues to be the worst thing that happens to their family. But for those of us who have much greater concerns, I have to say, "get over yourself, lady!!!"

This too shall pass...

2009-12-10T21:20:00.001-05:00

Four weeks today since I had my exchange procedure (for those of you wondering what that means, I am talking about having my tissue expanders exchanged for final silicone implants - the ladies who will continue to defy gravity when i'm well into my 80s!). It is amazing how uncomfortable I felt just four weeks ago. How the stitches would pull and ache underneath the implants when I would stretch my hands above my head. I thought I was never really going to get full mobility because they ached so much! But now, I can put my hands over my head with no problem! I can also walk for 50 minutes and feel no pain afterwards. Things are good!!!

Where am I going with this rambling? I know, I do that often. But I am just realizing that throughout this whole ordeal I can remember thinking that I was never going to feel better, never get through the pain, never get through a night without pain/anxiety medicine to help me sleep, but it passed and now I'm at a much better place.

I even forgot how awful I would feel on my bad days during chemo, and my middle daughter, just shy of 4 years old, would lie down in bed with me and take a nap with me, just because she was worried about me. It was so wonderful to have her near me and not afraid of me. She wasn't like that a few months before, when she told me she didn't like me (when I had my drains in after the mastectomy). So it felt very nice to have her near me...

I guess I just want women who are diagnosed with breast cancer and who are waiting to talk to their doctor, their cancer surgeon, their plastic surgeon, their oncologist, worried that they are going to lose their hair, that it all goes away, it does get better, it is temporary. And while it is real and it is really awful while going through all of it, this too shall pass...oh, and by the way, I finally got a bikini wax!!! I know, I know, still too much information, but I am glad to say that I finally needed one!!!

Paying It Forward

2009-12-07T23:27:00.000-05:00

Well, I had my first real post-surgery mentor conversation with a woman who had a double mastectomy a month ago, and is just starting the tissue expansion, and knows she has to go through chemotherapy soon. I tried to be as positive as I possibly could, I spent most of the time telling this woman that "this too shall pass."

I wanted to tell her that the rest of her tissue expansions (she just finished her first) wouldn't be uncomfortable (painful is the word I really wanted to use); instead, I told her that the expansions might get more uncomfortable but that it gets more comfortable (when the tissue expanders come out and the final implants are put in...no, seriously, about a month after my final expansion I finally stopped taking pain pills to sleep). I did tell her how I would wake up in the middle of the night and bolt upright from the pain, but that was only seven months ago and now I've got my final implants so that "discomfort" is over.

I tried to tell her that chemo isn't as bad as one might think, but that would have been a lie. Instead, I told her that chemo sucks when you are going through it, and that's when you need to have a good support system to help out on the really awful days, but that it all ends and your hair does grow back and you start to forget how awful you felt and that your energy really does come back. I told her to try and remain active, even though it was difficult to get out of bed on the worst days, and to keep focusing on the positive.

Funny, the silver lining for this woman, as it remains for myself, is that we get new perky boobs. I didn't tell her that they don't feel like the other ones did, that even though these implants feel more comfortable than the expanders that they really don't feel like breasts to me. That sensation is gone.

But that is not what matters. What matters is that I am alive and that I will be alive to dance at my childrens' weddings. What matters is that the surgeons and the chemo got all of the cancer out of my body (well, I'm 99.9% sure of that) and that I am at a good hospital and the chance for recurrence is so small that I try to leave that fear in the very dark recesses of my mind. What matters is that after a year of total crap, I am still fairly normal...and fairly healthy.

I am glad that I have people to talk to about my experience (ordeal?) and while there are too many other women whose names I was given to call and talk about their experiences, sometimes it does get too much. I still find myself emotionally exhausted after a breast cancer-reconstruction-chemotherapy conversation, though the conversations are priceless and I appreciate every minute someone will spend talking to me. And so, begins my paying it forward and helping out those people who are a few steps behind me...it's just there are more and more women with breast cancer and it shouldn't be that way...

Making Excuses

2009-12-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

I really hate making excuses as to why I don't write every day. It's not like I don't have much to write about, but I swear some days I just cannot find the time to write. Or sometimes, when I sit down to write I just cannot figure out how to get the words out...but that is another blog for another time, I guess.

Three weeks since I had the "exchange procedure". I am feeling better every day, though sometimes at night, when I try to sleep on my side, the stitches really hurt, but other than some nagging pains every once in a while and the fact that I have to wear very supportive bras 24/7 for 6 weeks (half way there!) I am really feeling pretty good! I don't even need to take pain meds at night and haven't taken anti-anxiety medicine since the night before the exchange procedure! Nice to know that the surgery is over with and only 3 more weeks to go until I can pick up my three kids and swing them around a bit. Here are some cute pictures of them from the year:

And these picutres are part of the reason I haven't been writing much. I confess, I am not very good at putting photos in albums for my kids. I have a shopping bag FILLED with pictures of them from the past 5 years, and while I'd like to say that I've been kind of busy (with 3 kids under the age of 5 and a husband who for 4 of those 5 years left for work before they woke up and got home after they all went to bed, and spending the last year in crisis mode with a breast cancer diagnosis and the year before that, my only sibling dying...but there I go making excuses again!) and haven't had the chance to put the photos in albums, I'm tired of excuses. So why is this preventing me from blogging?

I've decided that I am going to make the kids photo books for each year and just put the best pictures of the whole family in the books. So, I have spent the past few weeks uploading pictures to Kodak Gallery and am now in the process of making the family album.

I just hope I can keep up with this every year...but before I end my blog, I want to write a quick summary of what I meant to post a week ago for Thanksgiving:

I am thankful for my health. I am thankful for the ability to get up and move. I am thankful for my beautiful young children who don't give me much time to feel sick or sorry for myself. I am thankful for the most wonderfully supportive husband who tells me how proud he is of me on a regular basis and who is not only the man that I love but a person who I really like and admire. I am thankful for both of my parents who have always been supportive in my life but have really stepped up to the plate over the past year without freaking out in front of me at all. I am thankful for my other parents, I hate calling them in-laws, who treat me like a member of their own family, and who have also been so incredibly supportive of me and have been so helpful to our family. I am thankful for family on both mine and my husband's side for showing us so much love and support. I am thankful for friends, both old and new, who have come out of the woodwork to give us their support through this past year. I am thankful for so many other things, but one thing I think I have made known through this blog is I am thankful for hair growth and the fact that I finally need that bikini wax!!! I know, I know, too much information, but I've been talking about it so much over the past few months, I thought I'd add that in for comic relief!!!

2009-11-27T08:15:00.001-05:00

Happy thanksgiving! I am greatful for my family & friends & feeling well! Oh yeah, and to hair growth!;)

2009-11-20T20:31:00.001-05:00

Finally showered! Feels great! Yeah!

Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders

2009-11-20T14:42:00.002-05:00

After you get your final implants, you have to walk around 24 hours a day wearing a bra to make sure that the stitches heal well. Okay, that's fine, but it's not so easy to meet all the other requirements: no underwire (because you don't need it and it will rub the stitches underneath the breasts), the bottom of the bra cannot touch underneath the breast directly (because that will hurt the stitches underneath the breasts) and it cannot too tight (because they said not too tight).

I was going to spend this post bitching about how hard it was to find these types of bras and how I felt lost going into a number of stores unable to find what I needed, but I just got off the phone with my cousin and all those mild complaints went out the window. (Plus, I was able to go online and buy some bras that will work, so really no reason to bitch).

My cousin just recently learned that her teenage daughter suffers from bulimia. They decided to put her in a facility for a month to help her deal with this issue. While all seems to be going well in the facility (so my cousin says) she had an awful phone call with her daughter yesterday where her daughter told her she hated her, and that she was conceited and looked down on other people. My cousin sounded so distraught while telling me about this. She said she was sad. Oh, and might I add that this is the same cousin who went through a double mastectomy with reconstruction a few years before me?

You never know what is down the road, and, unfortunately, even though you might think your situation is horrible and couldn't get much worse, you don't have to look far to find someone in a more difficult situation than you! So, I'll continue to focus on the good things in my life, be thankful that my dad was in town this week to help out with the kids so I could recover and be grateful that I felt well enough today to take a nice long walk with my dad. Things are looking up!

My many faces of breast cancer

2009-11-19T14:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, at the risk of never leaving the computer and never sleeping again, I am going to just post some pics the old-fashioned way. I really wanted to show you the many faces of me during the cancer treatment process via a slideshow, but I'm having a hard time doing that (I just cannot figure this blogger thing out!) So, I'm just going to try and post some pics in a regular posting.

This first picture is sporting the dude-rag, schmata, bandana...whatever you want to call it...I still hate having no hair.

Here is me in the height of my baldness. I just could not go out in public looking like this. I cannot go out without something on now and I have a substantial covering all over my head...

Okay, so I'm not wearing any make up, but disregard the face and please notice the hair. I just still cannot go without a wig...I just hate myself without hair. Have I mentioned that before???

Do blondes have more fun? Well, I thought if I had a few wigs to use, I could change my look according to my mood.

This is the brunette wig...at first, I loved this one, but lately I've been all about the blonde...and now, the piece de resistance:

Which one do you guys like the best???

And they're out!

2009-11-19T09:53:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let you all know that the drains came out! I will be able to shower in 36-48 hours! You will not have to smell me any longer, New Jersey!!! (Or New York or Connecticut!)

I have to say, I am totally shocked that when I went in to have the drains taken out and to see my plastic surgeon this morning, he didn't even TOUCH me. He barely looked at my scars, just said everything looked good, told me that I shouldn't do anything "high impact" for the next five weeks and he'll see me in two to three months.

As much as I wanted more information about my next steps, I don't think you can get much better than "everything looks good, see you in two months". Less is more with this guy, I know that about him. He is not known for his bedside manner. In a previous blog, I referred to him as "the troll" because he is short and grumpy and has a bad bedside manor, but I have to say, everyone I spoke with about him said he was so wonderful and did great work. My boobs look good. That's really all that matters now. Maybe one of these days I'll get him to smile. Now that's a good goal for the next visit!!!

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

2009-11-19T09:07:00.002-05:00

This is me doing live band karaoke at a cancer benefit this fall. My husband kept showing the video that he made to the kids and asking them if they wanted to see their "rockstar mommy"...what a sweet guy!

2009-11-19T09:06:00.003-05:00

My husband took this picture of me during a chemo treatment over the summer...he said, "maybe you'd want to post this on your blog?" So, here's the good the bad and the ugly...

Uncomfortably Numb?

2009-11-18T22:40:00.000-05:00

I think I have spent the last 9 months in a weird sort of haze and now I might be coming out of it. Ever since my diagnosis, I have been on cruise control, or crisis control, just getting stuff done that needed to be done without really figuring out how all of this new information I'd been inundated with was affecting me. I think that I was just happy knowing that I was facing the cancer head-on and wasn't questioning my decisions, I was just going with my gut reactions.

But now I sit here at my computer, drains waiting to be removed from the tissue expander exchange procedure, stitches poking me uncomfortably under my new breasts (that I have yet to fully examine because I'm waiting for the doctor to tell me that he thinks everything is healing well and to tell me they are really sticking around before I start to relish in their perkiness!!!) I am starting to wonder what I do now? Especially in light of the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force's (USPSTF) new guidelines, I feel like I need to do SOMETHING. I have started looking on websites and blogs of fellow breast cancer patients and survivors to get some grounding, get some guidance and get some support. There are a bunch of incredible women who have been through and are going through what I am going through, it just amazes me.

While I am searching for my own answers, I am comforted by something a friend's mother told me a few weeks ago. When I was first diagnosed, my friend told me that if I want to talk with someone about what they went through, her mom had said she would talk to me. At the time, I didn't call her because I was looking for women my own age, in a similar circumstance, to try and find some connection and support. AND it was so tiring, and so draining to have a conversation with a current patient or recent survivor because I'd be on the phone for an hour with some stranger (with whom I now shared some awful bond) to try and find a parallel story and digest the information, I just didn't talk to that many people. I found that too hard for me to handle during this period of crisis.

About a month ago, my friend's mother died. My husband and I went to pay a shiva call and I sat and spoke with this woman about everything else BUT cancer - how her father was doing, about her new grandson, about my friend's kids - and then she went to talk with her other guests.

As I was getting ready to leave, she stopped me and just said, "I just want you to know that I never thought there would be a day that I didn't think about breast cancer, and then, a few years after my treatment, I noticed I didn't think about it every day. It got less and less." (She is a ten year survivor.) I just stood there as tears welled up in my eyes and said, "thank you". It is hard to explain how wonderful it was to hear her say that, to know that while right now it seems so all encompassing, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that life really will go on.

Task force opposes routine mammograms for women age 40-49 - are they for real???

2009-11-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

I just read this CNN article tonight. I cannot believe what I just read. Some task force, under the umbrella of the US Dept of Heath and Human Services, just said that mammograms aren't necessary every year for women age 40-49. This changes the previous guidelines which recommended mammograms as early detection for women over age 40. The article goes on to say, that "...[W]hile roughly 15 percent of women in their 40s detect breast cancerthrough mammography, many other women experience false positives, anxiety, and unnecessary biopsies as a result of the test, according to data."

Please, provide me with the percentage of women who experience false positives, anxiety and unnecessary biopsies as a result of mammograms. Is it more than the 15 percent who saved their lives by detecting breast cancer? And, even so, having a mammogram didn't kill them. Neither did the anxiety or unnecessary biopsies. But what would have happened to the 15 percent of women who detected breast cancer had waited until they were 50? What data shows how many of those women had a history of breast cancer in their families or felt a lump? What if they just went in because they knew it was good to have a baseline for future mammograms and were surprised with the fact that something did show up on the mammogram and that they did find out earlier rather than later? What percentage of those women were able to, or decided to, save their breasts and just have a small lumpectomy? What percentage of those women who had mastectomies and were able to prevent the recurrence of breast cancer? What percentage of those women who detected breast cancer in their 40s were able to avoid chemotherapy because the cancer had not yet spread to their lymph nodes or, worse yet, some other part of their bodies? OR, worse yet, what percentage of those women STILL had to undergo chemotherapy because the type of breast cancer they had was so aggressive that it would have spread, even if it had not yet done so? What percentage of those women were able to save their lives because they went to doctors who trusted these guidelines and sent these women for mammograms accordingly?

This is a very hard article for me to read given the fact that I am still undergoing treatment for breast cancer at age 38. For those of you unfamiliar with my blog, go back to February & March 2009 articles which discuss my breast cancer discovery ON A FLUKE because I met a new doctor who gave me a breast exam and said I had lumpy breast tissue so I should go get a mammogram. She felt no lump, I had no history. In fact, my OB/GYN who I had seen regularly for two years before then never even MENTIONED a mammogram because there was no reason for it. When I read an article like this, it is hard for me to FATHOM what I would have gone through if the guidelines were set for a higher age to begin mammograms. If the recommendation is to wait until age 50, would my internist still have thought to send me for a mammogram? I highly doubt that.

This doesn't even begin to discuss what health insurance companies might decide to do based on this task force recommendations. Okay, while I want to believe that insurance companies will still fully cover mammograms, who knows? Everyone is cutting costs. Maybe insurance companies will deny mammograms for women who do not fall under a "high risk" category. I don't know, I don't want to think about that. Because I assure you, if the test had not been covered by my health insurance, I GUARANTEE you that I would not have gone for a mammogram. No way, no how. Before my diagnosis, I would have told you I was 100 percent healthy. Some tests might be considered unnecessary, but I just don't see how this task force just pushed back the age for women to get annual mammograms to age 50...oh, and I know this isn't well thought out or well written. I am still recovering from my surgery of having breast tissue expanders exchanged for final breast implants. Not even a week old. I am still on pain medication and have drains running out from under my arms. This just hit a raw spot. More to come later when I can properly articulate how PISSED OFF I am. Congress, here I come!

I just saw it on CNN.com: Task force opposes routine mammograms for women age 40-49

2009-11-16T20:56:00.001-05:00

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Task force opposes routine mammograms for women age 40-49 - CNN.com*


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Welcome Ladies!

2009-11-15T08:11:00.004-05:00

Well, the new ladies are in! The expanders are out and my new high-tech tear-drop shaped silicone ladies have made their debut! Had the surgery on Wednesday and to be totally honest, it has not been as bad as I had expected! Well, given the fact that after the last surgery I was not able to lift my hands above my head, this is much better! I have much better mobility and the drains aren't bothering me half as much as they did last time! I'm sleeping much better at night, and can move pretty well during the day. I am taking it easy though, because I don't want to screw anything up with the new ladies. I have uncomfortable internal stitches that bother me more than anything else to the point where I have to lie down every few hours to get more comfortable. BUT as of day 4 after surgery, I can go during the day without serious pain meds and only save those for night time! I know, I know, why not take the drugs, Dali Mamma Lama, isn't that why the doctor prescribed them? Trust me, I take them when I need them and if I need them during the day, I take them. But they make me tired and it makes it harder to sleep at night, so I'd rather save them for night time!

My 4 year old still wants to see my boo-boos. I have told her no. She asks, "Why?" and I tell her that I don't want to scare her. Honestly, I am so glad that I had to go through this when she was 4 and not 10...I don't really want her to remember this ordeal, but I am glad she has a place to go back and read about it (if she ever wants to) and know what this was all about! My 2 year old is pretty clueless except that I don't pick her up right now when she cries. No, I don't leave her on the ground laughing at her expense, but soon enough I'll be back to picking her up so I'm not too upset about that. And, my 5 year old boy still gives me hugs and treats me like nothing has changed. That makes me very happy!

Having said all of that, am I thrilled that the heavy duty surgery is over? Yes! Am I excited to have the rock hard expanders out of my chest? Yes! Am I excited that one more phase of this ordeal is over? Yes! Am I excited to be able to work out and get back into shape in a few weeks? Yes! Do I wish I had nipples? Yes! Will I get those soon? Yes! I know, I know, too much information, but it's true, I have no nipples and the doctor will have to make those for me. Again, I am hoping he'll use some of my c-section scar tissue, but we'll have to wait and see. He's not the kind of guy who likes to be told what to do so I'm not sure how this will all pan out, but enough of that for now! But seriously, if it grosses you out to hear about it, imagine how I feel. The whole thing FREAKS me out, but since I don't have a choice, I'll just tell it to you like it is. But, please know, the fact that someone has to "make" nipples for me is truly disgusting.

So, now I will heal. I cannot wait for this Thursday when the drains come out and then 2 days after that, I will be able to take my first shower since surgery. Yeah, I know, another gross one. Good thing you can't smell me...yet!

Twas the night before surgery

2009-11-05T14:16:00.003-05:00

Twas the night before surgery to get my new boobs
Both my parents came up to help keep me subdued
But my mother was complaining of her little finger ache
But at first said, "Don't worry, it's fine, it'll be great!"

All the backpacks were ready for a few days to come
Cause I won't be focusing, I'll be sleepy from drugs!
Me, with my Ativan, was keeping me calm
And not a bit worried of all else going on...

Suddenly, my mom was not feeling so sure
Her finger was hurting and hurting some more
Away to the ER we went in her new beemer
And I dropped her off to come back a bit later.

The new ER facility was really top notch
Made me feel a bit better about dropping her off
When on the dashboard it appeared, all alone
My mother had forgotten to bring in her iphone!

But I was busy, had a quick job to do
My eyebrows growing back had to be waxed, oh, it's true!
so the iphone would wait, and so would my mother
In the lone waiting room (while I bought some Godiva:

Got extra dark truffle, got peppermint too
Got dark chocolate raspberry and one key lime goo)
Then back into the beemer I rushed back to the car
And dashed away dashed away straight back to the ER!

I just wanted to run in and give her the phone
But then thought better that she not stay alone
So hesitantly, I gave the valet my keys
And ran into find what was my mom's disease...

And then I heard her talking to the radiology tech
Wonderd what they'd done to her just yet
As she drew her head in from the talking she'd done
And come from the X-ray she had on her pinky, not thumb!

She was feeling some pain from the way they had turned it
The nice black and blue becoming more prominent
We had to sit and wait a bit more
But sitting with her is never a bore!

Then the nurse came in mumbling "hand specialist"
And we knew that it wasn't the best
A little fracture and perhaps a tendon torn
She might need some surgery, but that you can't bet on.

"You need to go see a hand specialist tomorrow
To find out what is wrong with your pinky" (what a bother!)
We said that's not possible 'cause it was my turn for docs
And then we told her about my little boob op

She said Thursday would be fine and then was away
And mother and I did not know what to say
So, back to the beemer went Mom and me
What a way to spend time the day before surgery!

New boobs!!!

2009-11-05T09:01:00.004-05:00

Okay, here's the latest update: T minus 6 days until I get my stylish new more natural-feeling silicone implants! I cannot wait to get these rocks out of my chest! When I went to the plastic surgeon's office, I had the opportunity to molest the sample they had on the desk. I have to say, they felt very natural! I'm hoping they feel that way when the surgery is completed!

Good news is that I will not lose mobility like I did last time. Here's the only positive thing about not having much hair...last time I had surgery and lost the ability to raise my hands over my head, it was very hard to take a shower and wash my long hair...now, I don't have to worry about that! And, though I'll smell a little bit since I cannot shower for a week again, at least my hair won't look like a nappy mess. I can just throw on a wig and feel a bit better! Yeah...I think? Okay, so if you are in the vicinity, please do not come too close. Let me be appealing from afar!

People keep asking if this is the last big haul from the whole year's ordeal. The answer in short is yes, the really hard part is over. The long answer is that I continue to take an IV medicine every three weeks and I still have a "procedure" to get nipples made...I know, gross, huh? I have no nipples now (my husband calls them "frankenboobs") so they will somehow make ones for me. It sounds totally gross and disgusting, but perhaps the doc can take some of my c-section scar tissue for that...get a little tightened around the belly for a teensy weensy bit more upside? (I'm always looking for more bright side of things).

Sorry if I gave you so much information that you now want to barf, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it! I just cannot wait for life to return to normal. What is normal? I don't even know anymore...but I know that all is well and I have things very good and I am lucky and blessed. 2009, while full of wonderful things for my friends and family cannot end soon enough for me!

Why I Love Tom & Jerry Cartoons

2009-10-22T12:06:00.000-04:00

So, it's come full circle (well, probably many circles) that my kids love Tom & Jerry like I loved Tom & Jerry. It's a cartoon that needs no words. Just the wonderful orchestral music of Tom chasing Jerry and Jerry always getting away!

My daughter is so in love with Jerry (as are some of her friends) that she is dressing up as Jerry for Halloween. She wants to wear the costume everywhere and I love it.

When my kids fight me to brush their teeth, sometimes I can coerce them to brush their teeth while I sing the theme song to Tom and Jerry (I know, there are no words, but I sing the tune...)

I've had a room full of kids laughing their heads off at the show. I talked to a neighbor who said she had the same phenomenon in her house!

Each morning when my kids wake up early, my husband and I send them down to the TV room and our 5 year old turns on pre-recorded Tom and Jerry episodes for him and his sister...we just have to make sure we only record the thirty minute shows and not ninety minute shows...just too much TV at one time!

In any event, Tom and Jerry is great. I love that the kids enjoy it. I still enjoy it. My dad still sits and watches that with them. Do yourself a favor: watch Tom and Jerry and let the memories come flooding back!!!

Pink Eye!!!

2009-10-21T19:48:00.002-04:00

So, I forgot to mention this and, in retrospect, it strikes me as funny!

I went to my 20th high school reunion two weeks ago. I was not quite sure I was going to attend because of my current health situation, but I decided to go. I had a great time and it was so wonderful to see everyone there!

But, you know how I feel about not having hair...I hate it. My eyelashes fell out and, for the most part, are tiny little stubs at that. But I decided to see if I could get eyelash extensions to make my eyes look more normal for the reunion. They weren't bad (I should have had a picture of them, shouldn't I?) but since I had so few lashes to begin with, the woman who did the work could only get on about a quarter of what she would normally do. My eyelashes still looked sparse, but it wasn't so bad. The lashes were affixed on Thursday and we headed to the reunion on Friday and Saturday.

The woman who fixed my lashes told me not to rub my eyes too hard or the lashes would fall off. So, I am sure I didn't clean off my eye makeup as well as I would normally do. On top of that, I left my contact lenses in all night that Saturday night (too much fun at the reunion, I guess) and by Tuesday, my eyes were totally gooey and pink and totally infected. I went to the doctor and got a prescription to fix the pink eye and I am happy to report it is gone. Actually, it was almost 100% better after one dose!

But it serves me right for being vain!!!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot, Take 2

2009-10-21T19:21:00.004-04:00

I said something to my mom tonight that I just shouldn't have mentioned. I tried to avoid her earlier in the day because I knew I could not keep my mouth shut, but she just really didn't need to hear this.

What brililant thing did I say? Well, it all started almost 2 years ago...my brother had elective surgery and had complications from that surgery. He died from complications but they think what ultimately killed him were 2 contaminated batches of a blood thinner called Heperin. My parents are still working on a lawsuit against the drug manufacturer, but they still have a lot of hurdles to get through to prove the Heperin killed him.

So, fast forward a year from his death and I am diagnosed with breast cancer. Not fun for my parents, I assure you, as they only had 2 kids: my brother and myself. Now, after all I've been through (I know, I know, it could have been worse), this little thing happened today and I told my mom about it:

I was having a Herceptin treatment today (Herceptin is the miracle IV drug for Her2Neu positive breast cancer patients) and later in the day I was going to have a MUGA scan (to make sure the Herceptin has not f-ed up my heart). The kindly nurse with a foreign accent (from the Herceptin treatment) offered to leave the IV needle in my arm so that I wouldn't have to be poked again for the MUGA scan, as both procedures required IV needles. Not only did I appreciate her help with that, but I understood her to that point. Then, she says that she has to "flush the IV line" with saline and something else (that I couldn't quite understand) to make sure the IV was prepped for the MUGA scan. "Okay," says the stupid patient. I always assume the nurses know what they are doing. While she is putting the unknown substance in my arm, it finally hit me what the other stuff was besides saline..."Did you say, 'Heperin?'" says me. "Yes," says the nurse. Then I started freaking out, after the shit was in my body. I told her the story of my brother and thus, the reason for my concern. She assured me over and over again that this was fine and different than the stuff given to most patients, that this Heperin is specifically for port flushes...

Needless to say, that put me over the edge today. Not only do I get smacked by breast cancer, but then I get slapped with this shit that might have contributed to my brother's death? Ugh!

I just cannot hide stuff like this from my mom, but I think I put her over the edge tonight when I told her what happened. I mean, for once, I couldn't have kept my mouth shut? How stupid was I to think that she'd be able to handle news like that. I'm going to have to call her back to make sure she's okay, but I know I should have kept that quiet...oh well.

I kept telling her everything is fine, everything is fine, but she still just didn't need to hear that. Neither did I need to be subjected to that crap today, either. 2010 cannot come quickly enough for me! Oh, and have I told you before how much I HATE not having hair and eyelashes???

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

2009-09-22T22:06:00.003-04:00

Have you ever said something and realized how stupid you were to say it? Because I would not want to offend my friend, I won't tell you what I actually said, but it's one of those comments that most people KNOW you shouldn't say, like, when you are talking to a couple who has been married for a while, and you say, "Why haven't you had kids yet?" Not knowing whether or not they have been trying and are having problems conceiving...well, this comment ranked up there.

But I said it, and after it was out, I thought to myself, of all people to make that comment, the woman with no hair, eyebrows, eyelashes who still looks exhausted from going through chemo should know better than to ask anyone ANYTHING personal! Oy vey! And I was very upfront with my friend (we're not that close, but I do consider her a friend nonetheless!) and said, the comment should not have come out of the chemo patient's mouth. I know people look at me all the time, especially since I interchange my wigs daily and sometimes wear hats where you can see there's no hair, and if they aren't that close to me, I know they wonder what's going on, but do they ask questions? No, they only mention that they were curious what was going on after they've either heard my story from me or someone else...So, the fact that I opened up my mouth and made a bonehead comment just made me feel like such an ass...although I did feel better after apologizing and telling my friend that I am an actual bonehead (so my friend wouldn't feel badly if she was thinking that without actually saying it).

Ah well, what can I say? I am so glad that chemo is over and I am starting to feel human again. Really, I haven't had time to digest that it is truly over, and I guess I realize it more on Friday when I don't have to go back for a treatment, but I am so happy that chemo is over! I just want my body to heal and get back to normal! Okay, so I still have one major surgery in November to get the rocks out of my chest, I think I've mentioned that before, but I am anticipating a MUCH easier recovery from this one! But the fact that I will no longer have poison running through my veins is so AWESOME!

Now I have to start fighting with the insurance company to have some things covered...I'll get on my health care high horse another day, but let me just mention that this system is broken. And I am thankful every day that we have enough money in the bank that health insurance and all of the extraneous expenses we have had to pay out of pocket have not caused us financial distress...but how to fix it? I'm not sure I know enough to make an educated decision...

2009-09-15T22:20:00.002-04:00

Can someone help me get into a routine with my family??? Ugh! I am done with chemo. So thrilled that I am done with chemo, but I just don't feel myself yet. I am trying so hard to act like everything is normal, especially around people who don't know me that well, but it is so freaking hard to do!

All I want to do is get my kids routines for school down, but with my 5 year old just starting kindergarten and trying to make friends for my 4 year old (who I have been so bad about making playdates for) and my almost 2 year old starting transitional twos, I cannot get my shit together. And, when I meet people and want to plan all of this stuff, I am so freaking tired right now that I don't know where my head is!

I know, I know, I don't need to do all of this stuff right now, but I think I am so desparate to get into a routine and get this cancer crap behind me, that I am making myself nuts in the process!

Oh, and I was trying to be inspired by Christina Applegate's struggle with breast cancer, but then I realized that she didn't have to go through chemo (which is truly awful and humiliating, especially with the hair loss and I don't care what anyone else says, I still hate the hair thing) and she also didn't have a family to worry about. She just had to worry about herself. I do not like feeling jealous of her fortunate situation, and I know there are too many women in a worse situation than I am, but I cannot find solace with her cancer story. Will I find solace with any story? Yes, I have and I do. Working on finding a support group because I cannot deal with this in my head anymore. I am working on the support group, but haven't found it yet...I'll let you know when I do...See, so I'm not always positive and happy. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a nicer attitude for the readers at large. Tonight, I just feel like bitching. Thanks for listening...

I am done!!!!

2009-09-11T20:34:00.002-04:00

Well, today was my last day of Taxol chemo. I am SOOOOO glad it's over! I was very emotional this morning but now I am just happy and proud that I was able to get through this drama of my life!

When we finished the chemo drip was finished, I was in the room with the nurse, my husband and another chemo patient I had just met, and when the automatic pump beeped to let us know the chemo was finished, we put on Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and shook our booties and screamed, "Wooo Hooo!" It was great! Everything else that I was worried about last night went out the window!

It is amazing what the human body is able to withstand. I never could have expected this, and I still don't know the lesson from this, but I know that it is over. My kids and husband bought me a bunch of balloons and that was the celebration I needed! Okay, maybe I'll throw a big party at the house and invite anyone who wants to come...as long as they're willing to shake their booties!!!

Today is the Greatest!

2009-09-10T23:33:00.003-04:00

Well, okay, so I'm writing this before midnight, but I'm already thinking it's tomorrow ('cause I am usually asleep by now!) I am SO psyched that tomorrow is my last chemo treatment!!! I never thought this day would come and now that is has, I wish tomorrow were already over!

Although I will still have to go every 3 weeks through next summer to have an IV medication delivered, and I still have the final implants to be put in, I don't think I have ever dealt with anything as challenging as these past few months! I am feeling myself starting to cry because I am finally getting over the crisis mode of getting everything taken care of to this complete daze of what I've been through. I don't even think I've had time to process it all. Now, as I try to tackle that challenge, I know I need help!

Wow, I thought this blog was going to be all about how excited I am that I will be finished with chemo, but what I am really finding out is that I am emotionally spent. I am very proud of what I have been able to withstand, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer. I didn't feel anything, and one day, my life changed! I know it will eventually get back to a more normal functioning, and I still know that things could have been so much worse, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer!

Okay, okay, gain composure. Go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day of sitting and falling asleep and I still have to wake up in the middle of the night to take my pre-chemo medications. Wait, I think this overwhelmed feeling has been replaced with tears of joy because it is over tomorrow and now I just have to get my hair back. Did I mention before how much I HATE not having hair???

Hit me with your best shot...

2009-09-09T21:54:00.003-04:00

An honest kid really knows how to hit your sore spots. It all stems from my insecurities about NOT having hair right now and wishing very much that I did. Usually, I wear scarves on my head (especially with summertime heat 'cause those wigs can be very HOT), and I have been wearing wigs for the past two days for a few reasons but most importantly, I didn't want to bring my son to Kindergarten wearing a scarf on my head and have people wonder what is going on. I don't want/need to be that person. I want to go the new school and meet new people and the teachers knowing I look pretty good. I am not saying the wigs make me look like a super model or anything, but I will have to post pics with the wigs on for examples. I just feel so much better when I have hair. That's all there is to say about that. But I digress...

So, I was wearing the wig while I was reading the kids books during dinner tonight and my five year old tells me, "Mommy, I miss your hair." Ugh! Did he really have to go there? My biggest chemo insecurity...So I told him, "Yeah, I know. But do you know who misses my hair more than anyone???" "Daddy," my two older kids said. "No, I do," said I. While I appreciate their honestly, it just hit me below the belt. So, I told them all that once my hair grew back, I was going to grow it as long as we all liked it and then I'd stop growing it. "Longer than it was before, Mommy?" they asked. And I said, "As long as we like it!"

So, as much as I'd like to admit that my kids are not at all phased by what has happened to me, I am glad they acknowledge that something happened, even if 99% of the time they act as if I am not someone on chemo, just their mommy...

My big boy starts kindergarten tomorrow!

2009-09-07T21:42:00.003-04:00

I am so excited that my son starts kindergarten tomorrow. It's not that pre-school isn't exciting, but I just had such fond memories of public school that I am excited for him. Okay, don't get me wrong, I've had my share of not-so-fond memories.

For instance, when I was in 5th grade, I was starting to develop more than most of the other girls, and that was hard enough. But I have this memory of having an outfit that was all white, from my white polo shirt and pants to my white belt...but maybe I had a pair of brown Docksiders...in any event, I was very proud of this outfit. However, some of the boys made fun of the outfit. One boy told me I looked like a milkman (that one wasn't so bad) but some of the kids were reading a book called the White Mountains. Guess what? One of the boys told me I looked like the white mountains...I was devastated! So I guess I've always had issues with my chest!

But I digress. I hope tomorrow is alot of fun for him and that he enjoys school as much as I did...and that his least fond memories are really just good for a laugh!!!

My left one takes a road trip...and perspective

2009-09-04T21:03:00.003-04:00

It has been too long since I've posted anything. Well, I guess that means I am doing pretty well. I wanted to write while I was away last week to say how happy I was that I was away, despite still days of bone pain, but I'm tired of the same old same old.

Instead, I'll talk about how excited I am that I only have ONE more chemo treatment next Friday. Then, my hair will start growing back, I'll get rid of this nasty taste in my mouth (seriously, the WHOLE summer with a gross feeling and taste in my mouth...I couldn't even drown my chemo sorrows in junk food!), no more bone aches, no more exhaustion, no more depression from the medicine. I am totally looking forward to getting back to working out and yoga classes. I am looking forward to November's surgery of having these awful tissue expanders out of my chest and to get some implants that don't feel like I always have rocks in my chest.

But here's a funny story that I forgot to post: I was at the mall two weeks ago, trying to find something to wear (story of my life, right?) and I went into a dressing room and looked at myself in the mirror with a new shirt on and noticed something off...one of my boobs looked about an inch or so lower than the other. I looked so OFF. Now, the thing that caught my attention, besides being FREAKED OUT, is that I look at myself in the mirror all the time, or so I thought. I mean, you think I would have noticed if one boob was hanging THAT MUCH lower than the other, right? I guess I look like such a freak show to myself naked that I kind of do one of those looks where I'm not looking directly at myself, but I can get a general look at my body and that's enough, so I just quickly throw clothes on. I guess I never really looked at myself. So much so that when I was in the dressing room, I was FRANTIC that something was wrong. When I called the doctor's office and spoke to the nurse, she just kept saying, "Hmmm, hmmm...well, it's not under your underarm, is it?" And then I was thinking to myself, "What kind of crap happens to people??? I thought an inch was bad!" I mean, could you imagine adding that insult to injury? It's not bad enough that you had breast cancer and decided the best option was to get rid of your real breasts for total implants (and as cool as I like to make it sound, these expanders suck and there is nothing that I would like more for my chest than to have my old breasts back), but THEN, while you are going through chemotherapy, you boob decides to take a road trip under your arm??? What the flibbity flop is that crap? And, as the nurse informed me, even if there was a severe problem, they WILL NOT perform any sort of procedure while you are going through chemotherapy. So, if my expander DID go under my arm, I'd just have to live with it hanging out there??? OMG! I did go see a reconstruction surgeon who confirmed mine was just fine, but I also feel so much better knowing it COULD be so much worse. It's all about perspective.

Which is why today, while I was in the waiting room waiting to be called to have my IV treatment of Herceptin, and I talked with some women and heard their stories of how they had asked for mammograms and found out after too long of asking that they had breast cancer and bad, and saw the woman sitting near me suffering from lymphadema (she has to wear a supportive sock on her arm because she has no lymph nodes, or very few, and has problems with circulation and such) I was so glad my situation just wasn't that bad in comparison. And I have great, happy, healthy kids and a husband who actually wants to be around us and wants to help us and tons of family who want to help out anyway they can, and friends who are constantly checking up on us and helping us out...what more could I ask for? Only that I am not so strict with the kids about playing in mud and let go a little bit more...so I am doing VERY well. AND, did I mention I only have one more chemo treatment and then I'm done with that??? Oh yeah, party time (when I get my taste buds back!!!)

2009-08-31T19:18:00.001-04:00

Long time no write. Have one more treatment, outta sight! Pains are a bother I don't want. But still enjoying vacation in vermont! Achy but doing well!

Bone Pain is Not Fun

2009-08-05T09:08:00.003-04:00

Well, just to update my recovery, bone pain really sucks. I feel it in my joints and it is not cool. While I am so happy because this is SO much better than I felt on the other chemo, I still feel quite uncomfortable from the pain, so I take Advil during the day and something stronger at night so I can sleep. I am just so frustrated that I cannot wake up with the kids at 6:30 to feed them because I am so tired from the sleep medicine.

I know, this too shall pass, and I will focus on the good things. Like running around all day yesterday and getting to the pool and going out to dinner late with friends to celebrate my husband's birthday and our anniversary. Oh, I should write about our 2 1/2 week start-to-finish wedding...it is so much better than talking about chemotherapy and feeling sick! Maybe tonight...

I've got to admit, it's getting better...

2009-08-03T20:44:00.003-04:00

Well, I started the second type of chemo on Friday. I had to sit in a chair for 5 hours while stuff was pumped into my veins. I was totally freaked out beforehand, but now that it is over, here's the scoop. So far, I have been really tired one day, yesterday, when the kids were home, of course, but now the exhaustion has been replaced with bone pain. I had never experienced bone pain, but it isn't as bad as I thought it would be (when I take pain meds). My body feels like a pinball machine, with radiating pain that comes and goes and then goes to another part of my body: my ankles, my knees, my back. Thankfully, it is kind of centralized in my lower body, and I am okay with that. Hey, but as long as I take Advil or something stronger for sleeping, I am okay, so that is good!

I was able to play with my mom and the baby for the morning, take my mom to B&H (cool electronics store in the city) for the mid-afternoon and go food shopping, and make a bday cake for my husband (on the grill because our oven wasn't working) and make dinner...I think I've had a full day! I hope I can keep it up and that's as bad as this round gets, but we'll wait and see.

I still think The Ellen Show should have a special for chemo patients where she gives us freebies (who doesn't like a freebie???) but I guess that might be too depressing for the viewers? Oh well, I can dream, right?

2009-08-01T19:03:00.001-04:00

Chemo yesterday & mets game tonight. Life's good!

Time for a cool change (only this is not so cool)

2009-07-29T07:57:00.003-04:00

Half way there and gearing up for the next type of chemo. The good news is that this next chemo side effects aren't as bad as the last - no nausea at least and I shouldn't be quite as exhausted - but these sound like fun: potential bone pain and numbness or tingling in my extremities. Fun, huh? Well, I am hoping that I don't feel those side effects and the rest of the summer is uneventful. Also, I don't like the idea that I have to sit with an IV for 5 hours each treatment, so I am trying to relax about it. People keep telling me that I should just bring things to take my mind off of the treatment, books, movies, etc., and I know I'll be fine once I actually have the first of these long treatments, but I don't care what anyone tells me, I am FREAKED out to have a needle in my arm and sit there for 5 hours while poison is put in my body!

And, after hearing from another survivor who had cancer much further along than I had, but who didn't have to have as much medicine as I do, when they got EVERYTHING (all of the cancer) out and the cancer hadn't even spread to my lymph nodes, I get pissed off! I KNOW the reason that I'm doing what I'm doing is because one of my hormone receptors came back positive and that IF a microscopic cancer cell got somewhere else in my body, this receptor tells the cancer to grow stronger, faster, harder (like the 6 million dollar man, but not nearly as cool as that) but I can still act like a pre-schooler and stomp my feet and say it is not fair, as long as I continue with the treatment, which I know I will do.

Okay, enough bitching for today. I'll post after Friday and let you know that everything was fine, because I know everything will be fine. But, just like it took my 5 year old until this past Monday to put his head underwater at his swim lesson without crying, so it will take me until I have my first treatment with this chemo before I will feel comfortable. I know, bad analogy, but when your 20 month old wakes you up at 5:00 am screaming, sometimes the pen doesn't flow as smooth. Bright spot - tomorrow we head to Sesame Place and all the kids are psyched (and so am I!)

2009-07-24T16:29:00.001-04:00

Why is it that I am so touched by the outreaching (is that a word?) of friends & acquaintances that I find myself in tears by their support? So touched...

Can You See the Real Me?

2009-07-22T20:44:00.003-04:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I finally got the guts, so here it is...I guess if my kids aren't afraid or upset to see my bald head (they sometimes request to see it) then I shouldn't be embarrassed...even my husband shaved his head in solidarity. No kidding, my son was more upset (he was almost in tears) when he saw his dad's bald head, but he does not do that when he sees mine!

I can honestly tell you that I hate what I look like without hair. My clothes don't look as good, I feel fat, it is really embarrassing. So why am I posting this picture? I guess I just feel that some day I am going to look back on this time and regret not taking a picture. Maybe my kids will want to see this strange time in my life. A blip on the screen, as one of my good friends puts it. But here's the proof that I have some real crap going through my system. You can't make this stuff up...Good news is that as of this time, my eyebrows and eyelashes have not fallen out...though I was right in waiting on a bikini wax (too much information, I know).

But my title isn't correct. This isn't the real me...this doesn't feel like me at all. Ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I haven't felt like me. I've just been this "being" going through the motions to get rid of the cancer forever. And my cancer was the size of a grain of rice, yet I STILL have to endure the pain and humiliation of not just having foreign objects in my chest but poison in my body that makes me sick just thinking about it. And I hate that, while I only have 8 more weeks of chemo, I still have a year of having some IV medicine every three weeks AND I have another surgery in November to get final implants and then another surgery to create nipples...yeah, you didn't know that, did you? It doesn't just end with a double mastectomy, even if you don't have to go through chemo! Sometimes it is truly hard to feel positive and thankful for all of the good things when there is such angst in my own body...but outside of writing this down, you will not hear me speak such things. I know there are too many other women who have to suffer this without the help of a spouse, supportive family and friends. I cannot sit and feel sorry for myself because I DO have it good! It is just so hard, when your body feels so crummy, to remember the good things. So I am thankful every day for my husband who takes care of the family when I do need to lie in bed and for my three young kids who don't allow me much time to lie in bed or dwell on this stuff...and who really love me for just being there for them and being their mommy and not someone sick with boo-boos...

To my children's credit, I must mention the important things that happened today: I listened to my 20 month old sing "We are the Champions" with the radio, got to sing into a princess radio and make up song lyrics for my almost 4 year old, and got to make Lego houses for some Clone Troopers with my 5 year old. That's what matters and that was fun. We laughed today all together and separately and I got them to bed all by myself tonight. My house may be a mess, but my heart is happy and full!

I am so thankful for my good fortunes in life. I know I thank my friends and family often, but it is not often enough. I will never be able to write thank you notes for all the kindness that has been bestowed on me, not in my lifetime. All I can do is look forward with a smile on my face and remember the important things in life.

Accentuate the positive

2009-07-20T21:11:00.002-04:00

Well, I haven't written in a week, more so, and so I've missed all of the good things that happened. Like, taking some long power walks both before and after chemo sessions, taking Sarah (20 month old) and my dad blueberry picking up in New York (never heard my dad laugh so hard from watching Sarah devour blueberries up and down the aisles), going to Jacob's camp visiting day (he was so happy to have us there and even wanted to hold our hands to take us from the different activities), to going to the beach with the kids this Saturday and watching them bury Rob in the sand...

I was too busy the last few days focusing on how crummy I have been feeling from the chemo. This stuff can really mess with your mind! I mean, I literally got home from the afternoon at the beach and laid down in bed...I barely moved for the next 36 hours or so. The energy literally stripped from my body. I started feeling so sad about all the crap I've had to go through...then, I stopped myself again and thought about all of the good things that I have going on through this ordeal:

I have the most amazing husband, who, thankfully is successful enough that he can be at home to support us all without having to actually work right now. I mean, I know this is so incredibly hard on him, I cannot imagine how, but he is not only amazing to our children, but he is so caring to me. Words cannot express how greatful I am to him. My actions will just speak louder than words.

I have three wonderful children who very rarely make mention of my hair loss and energy loss. We talk every now and then about my boo-boos and how I take medicine so they won't come back, but they honestly just want to play with me and be with me. It makes my heart feel so at ease to know they just want me to keep being their mommy and be with them.

I have both of my parents who come up at various times during the chemo process to help me and the family get through this. I am so thankful that they live close enough and have enough flexibility to make these trips...I know they have been through enough themselves and I am sorry to have to put them through any more pain, but it means the world to me that they can come and help when I need them.

And my other parents, my in-laws, who want only what is best for us as well. They treat me like a daughter and I know they truly care for me, and not just because I am the parent to their grandchildren and wife to their son. We have a good relationship and they are here with me every step of the way. I could not ask more from them.

And my family who calls and checks in on me and I don't get back to...I hope they understand that I truly mean to reach out to them. I just get lost in all of this sometimes...

And my friends who call constantly and check up on me, even if it is just a phone call they know I might not return, or a text message to route me on...I could not get through all of this without them as well.

So, as I praise, and forget to mention so many other people who have randomly sent me messages because they heard the news, I wake myself from this depressing fog that the chemo leaves me with each week.

I still sit here and wonder what this lesson is supposed to do for me for the future. I cannot believe that god would plague people with stuff like this without some special lesson to learn from it. I know I want to smile more because my family and friends deserve it...and so do I. I also know I should get a nice rack after the final surgery in November, but that is a long way off and I have a bit more agita to endure before that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow...but I digress.

It is good to feel good. I think I appreciate it even more, especially after I go through the down times that are so rough for me (though probably lots better than other people fare). I have now finished 4 of the 8 chemo sessions. I am halfway through. I hope these last 4 sessions are easier, like I have heard they should be. I just want to feel like I can go out with the kids and just have fun...of all the summer lists I made earlier, I think I just need to focus on the one thing - smile.

To everyone else, feel strong and push yourself just a little harder tomorrow...one thing that you didn't think you could do before the end of the day...I did about three of those today and now I finally appreciate that I did them. I am ready for bed!

Don't stop believin!

2009-07-11T20:26:00.002-04:00

So, after a week of playing some tennis, and thinking my heart was about to jump out of my chest, and power walking, and walking to town to run errands and thinking my heart was about to jump out of my chest, I decided to call my doctor's office to see whether I was okay or needed to go to the ER. So, I speak to the nurse and tell her that after strenuous workouts (though not like I used to and not for long periods of time) I feel like my heart is working overtime and popping out of my chest. After we get past the fact that I am not having chest pains and need to go to the ER, she informs me that I am "not the typical chemo patient that they see". That most of their patients don't take power walks and don't play tennis with their husbands. Most of them "take it easy". She said that while my blood counts are still in the normal range, they have been tending downward. 14 in May, 11 in July. Red blood count, I guess. I asked her if having more iron in my diet would help, and she said this is not that type of anemia. So, at the end of the conversation, I asked her if I was supposed to take it a little more easy and she said, "yes". So, while I am ultra proud of myself for doing all of the things that I am doing, I guess I need to listen to my body more and do a little less these days. That's okay, this will all be over in 60 days, at least the chemo part of it, so I can handle that! I'm not sitting on my duff all day, but maybe a little more yoga and a little less tennis...though I was hitting so well that day!

On another note, I am reading the book "Twilight" right now. It is easy to read, but I am on the fence as to whether I really like the book. I think it is a bit too teen-oriented for me. But, I am reading it nonetheless! In fact, with my husband out of town celebrating his sister's 40th bday and my in-laws in the TV room, I am headed upstairs to read until I pass out. Now that sounds like a hot Saturday night, does it not???

Chemo be damned!

2009-07-08T15:11:00.002-04:00

I am very proud to say that for the first time in over a year, and since I had reconstructive surgery and am taking chemo, I went and hit tennis balls with my husband today! Yahoo! I was TOTALLY out of breath, and I'm not sure if that's from the chemo messing up my body, my pectoral muscles just being tight across my chest because I haven't really worked them out since my surgery or I am just out of shape (hoping that's the one, sadly), but I did it and had lots of fun! I am going to try and do that again before my next treatment, because it is really good exercise, but today, I'll just revel in the glory of hitting tennis balls with my husband!

Still feel a little nausea, but for the most part, I am back in the swing of things and apparently ready for exercise! No more total exhaustion like Sunday. Man, was that rough!

Just to bitch

2009-07-06T22:16:00.003-04:00

You know when you start writing something and after you read a few lines you realize what a whiny complaining person you can be when you don't feel well? I was just going to complain about something that is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things I felt petty and stupid, so I decided to try again.

I was going to complain about how jealous I am that my husband, who is totally the rock of our family right now, went off to play golf all day today and is turning around and doing the same thing tomorrow. Where as I feel like the only true rest I have right now is so chemo-induced that it's not even an enjoyable event to nap...But honestly, he is such a good guy and does so much for us around here, I cannot feel jealous that he wants to go play a bit of golf. I mean, I just need to pick up a good hobby post-chemo and I won't feel so bad. It's just now, during it all, when I cannot feel anger anywhere else, I can just be angry about something stupid.

Weekend was okay. Saturday afternoon I thought I was going to pass out, and pretty much did and didn't recover until Monday morning, but I think eating protein has gotten rid of some of the nausea issues and if I'm tired, I try to sleep, so that covers the exhaustion issues.

Just promise me, that when this is all over, someone is going to buy me a dozen cupcakes from Buttercup Bake Shop in NYC, 6 chocolate with vanilla icing, and 6 vanilla with vanilla icing, and those will just be for me to devour with some sort of ice cream shake to boot. Yes, from all that sugar, I just might boot, but I miss that devil, sugar, so much, I just don't know how I can last until this is over. I will have a sugar OD for sure, but it will be worth it! Oh, and it's not that I have been forbidden to eat sugar, I just get such a nasty after-taste from sweets that it really defeats the enjoyment of eating them. And, then I get nauseated...blah, blah, blah...it's just not worth the effort sometimes...

Well, I have gone from here to there in this blog. I love my husband and I wish I was stronger and didn't feel jealous of his one true pleasure, but I guess sometimes, I am just a bitch! Maybe a bitch who really needs a sugar fix...now I understand why drug addicts have problems...

What am I doing up now???

2009-07-02T04:44:00.000-04:00

It is the middle of the night. I had a treatment yesterday. I took medicine that should have knocked me out all night, yet here I am, eating saltine crackers 'cause my stomach is upset, writing on my blog. There is something wrong with this picture!!! Though, the crackers were mighty tasty, I might add!

Yesterday's treatment went okay. From the last time, I mentioned I had some tingling sensation on my scalp and ears, the nurse freaked that I was having an allergic reaction, so she prescribed benadryl for this session. Same thing happened but this time, I had a weird sinus sensation in my nose. I don't know why, this stuff is poison and just does things to me, I guess. Felt pretty crummy, but still managed to get in a walk into town with my husband and back, so that's good, right? But being up at 4:30 (up for about an hour before that) is just not right. Thankfully, my dad is here to help get the kids off to camp so I can sleep in a bit? Oh, and let me not forget that the red chemo makes me pee red...but I forgot so the first time I went to the bathroom I freaked out for a bit until I remembered that the dye comes out...how soon they forget!

I had some funny thoughts I wanted to share, not just the mundane chemo crap that always pops up (But remember, this is also my diary so I need to put in some of this information) but now I cannot remember any of it. Except I did have thoughts of music running in my head at 3:30 this morning that made me want a catwalk and dance. Hair or no hair, I need to boogie! On a week when I'm feeling well, not poorly, because that wouldn't be much dancing but more curling up on the floor with a blanket not moving - not the image I had in my head. I think I was dancing to George Michael's "Freedom"...always a good catwalk song!

Of course, Michael Jackson is still in my head, with my favorite song, Thriller, running as background music. Sorry to say, my friends, but when a song is stuck in my head, I can have a full conversation with you, but that song is still playing like a radio in my mind. My station just switched to "Getting in Tune" by the Who. That's a good song and I need the kids to know that one. Time to make more CDs for the car! I wonder, for anyone who does read this blog, tell me what songs young kids should get used to from our youth (or before)? If you could put 5 songs on a CD, what would they be? Give some current, classic, country, pop...I wanna know!

Well, I am more awake than before, but now I have "Pulling Mussles from a Shell" by Squeeze as my background music so that ain't so bad! Keep that funky music playing in my head! I'm going to pretend to go back to bed...or I could just surf the computer instead...hey, I'm rhyming!!!

2009-06-28T22:27:00.001-04:00

Just checking to see if mobile logging really works...if so, that's cool!

Summer is here!

2009-06-28T21:50:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know it officially started last week, but tomorrow starts camp for my two older kids. They will be out of the house all day. I am conflicted because while I am looking forward to the full days without them to go through these bad chemo weeks without worrying about entertaining them (or my poor husband having to do that) I hate the fact that they will be gone for 8 weeks all week. I know this is really best for them, and they are going to have the best summer, and there are still plenty of times when we will play, but I just want to say for the record, that I will miss having them around.

Okay, so let's make the list of things I am going to do while they are in camp all summer, even though I still have one kid at home who will require attention (when you have 3 kids and 2 are gone, 1 seems like you could rule the world blindfolded with one hand tied behind your back) here goes the list:

1. organize each room in the house and keep it clean for at least 48 hours
2. put photos in kids and family photo albums from the past 3 years (no big deal, that should take a few hours, right?)
3. start ordering photo books for the kids for each year of their lives, including family pictures, because there is no way #2 is ever going to get done unless I hire someone to put them in an album and since I'm not doing that for a number or reasons (mostly I think that's too lazy) #2 is a pipe dream
4. work out every day on the good days through chemo so the bad days are fewer in number (this one, I might be able to pull off...)
5. do something crazy with my husband during some of those days, and that does not include our bi-weekly bonding treatments at the chemo lounge
6. smile as much when my kids are at camp as I do when they are home

Well, that about does it for me. Today was an almost nausea-free day. Yay me! I really think eating some protein when I feel queasy helps me out. Better get started on my to do list...tomorrow!

He shaved his head for me...

2009-06-26T22:59:00.000-04:00

Seriously, my husband came home from playing golf yesterday and his hair was shorter than mine. I know he did it for me. He says it's his summer do, butI know he did it for me. And I love him for it...I loved him before that, but this just solidifies what a totally awesome man he is.

It makes me feel more confident about going bald when all of the hair finally falls out (very soon, very soon). Right now, it is falling out in patches on my scalp, not a pretty look, but I still have a lot of hair to go. I've been told it will all be out within the next 4 weeks. Back to my awesome husband, I know, he's just saying that it's no big deal, I know that. And I love him for that...and that he looks really good with no hair!

Today, was an awesome day. No nausea, no naps, went to the beach with the kids for the last hurrah before camp and even made it out for a full dinner date with my husband. I know each day will continue to get better until next treatment, and I will take every minute of it with gusto. When you feel good, you feel good!

Play that funky music, white boy!

2009-06-25T22:00:00.001-04:00

I'm watching the news, all about Michael Jackson dying. It is sad, I know. But the news of his death brought me to the music of his life. It made me and a good friend of mine go through his music (and sing lyrics together on the phone and laugh) and I was not only amazed at how talented he really was, but how great his music was. I don't think I've sat on the phone reminiscing about music, and singing songs, since I was a teenager, but we really had fun on the phone!

I guess I should be sad about this, but I am sitting here singing songs in my head (go back to one of my original blogs, January 2009, called Songs in my Head and you'll understand me more) and I am totally smiling. We need more music that makes us smile. I need more music to make me smile. Again, when depressed, I can launch myself into "Comfortably Numb" and "How Soon Is Now" but I could just as easily think about "Thriller" and "Boys of Summer" and change that mood around. Seriously, I need to find my Thriller CD and play it for the kids, even if they scream for "Squeeze Box" and "Orange Crush" and play them what will soon be known as "their music". No kiddie music in our car, only the "classic" stuff we give them, and then the kids call it their music, and I love it!

Well, I am off to the attic to search for some of these CDs and torture my husband and kids on our way to the beach tomorrow. I don't care how much they scream, I'll be smiling!!!

I'm singing this note 'cause it fits in well with the way I'm feelin!

2009-06-24T22:07:00.000-04:00

Cannot think of a title for this post. Just feel so good right now. I had a busy day, no naps for Paula, and though I had my ups and downs, right now, I just feel up.

I do notice sometimes that I try to get sad about what's going on. That I cannot be as energetic for my energizer bunnies as I usually am, that sometimes I wish I could give Rob a break and not have to depend on someone else to pitch in, that I HATE what my head looks like...I know, I know, give this a rest, but I'm telling you, the shaved head is probably the worst part so far, and I've felt constant nausea, even with medicine for the past month, and more other things than I care to mention, but I cannot get over my lack of hair! I digress.

Anyway, I find myself lost in my thoughts and depressed by them and I see this big hole where my emotions are about to jump, and then I stop myself. I know if I let myself go there, I could cry and cry and maybe never stop. I am not saying that crying is bad and I need to be some sort of stone, but when I see myself going down that negative path, I remind myself of all of the good that is not only going on in my life, but the fact that things could be SO MUCH WORSE, and I snap out of it. It is amazing how I find myself doing that these days. I should have been doing that so much more for problems that were so much smaller than this...I should have been doing that for the past 38 years! I guess we all want to believe that our drama is dramatic and oscar-worthy? I'm not sure. Or maybe it's just me? All I know is that I can visualize my sadness and step back from it for just a moment, and just move on.

Oh, and I hate to be so negative in my blog, there is just so much crap going on...I would much rather tell you about Lili trying so hard to make up her own jokes. She cracks me up. She just remembers one joke and is now trying to make up new ones. I catch her and she wants so hard to make up good jokes that she can actually remember in her 3 1/2 year old brain. I have GOT to get this kid a joke book! Or the 20 month old who sings (in her own 20 month old words) the lyrics to "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" and the theme music to Star Wars. Or Jacob, the 5 year old, who wants to act like a 6 year old (and I now get him to do many things he would protest by simply telling him that this is what a 6 year old does, not a 5 year old) who is so obsessed with the 6 Star Wars movies and how Darth Vader becomes Darth and how he turns back into Annekin Skywalker at the end of the 6th movie...the questions are so amazing!

I love watching my kids grow. I never thought I could be a stay-at-home mom, but they have such wonderful imaginations and are so fresh every day for new things. I could just sit and watch them sometimes and not take pictures and not take videos and not talk but just watch them work. I hope they grow up enjoying me as much as I enjoy them (minus teenage years, right?)

keep on truckin!

2009-06-23T18:54:00.000-04:00

well, thanks for all my facebook friends for their awesome inspiration and support! really, you guys have no idea how much it touches me to read your messages...it really does my heart and soul good to have such an awesome and extensive support network! thank you for making this journey a little less painful!

on another note, it really does get better between sessions. i walked this morning (power walk, so i rock!), ran some errands, took a power nap (shouldn't wait so long between eating) and played with the kids in the backyard and EVEN made three different dinners for my family. honestly, i made wacky mac for my lili, spider man mac n cheese for jake and pasta with meat sauce for the adults for dinner. it's crazy enough that i am sick and making dinner, but this went beyond. but, whatever, i was glad not only that i could do it, but that i had the energy to do it. AND, well, this might be pushing it, but i think i am up for a game of rock band tonight. no just sitting on the couch!

i spoke to the nurse today. she said that i am actually doing well and their patients who try to do things, and not give into the side effects, end up healing much better...so, i am going to keep on going and make sure that i heal well.

i still hate hate hate what i look like with a buzz cut, and i still cannot stomach wearing my wigs, but i know my hair will grow back and it will look great. no, i am too vain to post a picture yet, and i may never do so, but, i know, this too will pass!

on a final note, it amazes me how long it takes to prepare an art project for a 5, 3 1/2 and 20 month old, and how fast it takes them to do it. but, painting outside is a total winner and something i know they won't want to do with me when their teenagers, so i'll take all i can get!

love to you all!

i've got to admit it's getting better...

2009-06-22T15:20:00.000-04:00

well, i can honestly say that today was much better than yesterday! i didn't feel that same exhaustion that i felt on sunday. i still had to take a nap, but that sheer exhaustion is gone. i took the girls out for some fun and even had some fun myself! i know tomorrow will only be better so that is good! trying to deal with nausea every day. i hate it. but i am up and writing so that is good!

?

2009-06-21T11:26:00.000-04:00

I don't even know what to say. I thought yesterday was pretty crummy, I felt waves of nausea all day. Couldn't even wear my wigs...the smell of them made me want to vomit. I was able to eat (this baby's not gonna lose weight, is she?) but slept most of the day.

today, all I want to do is sleep. I got myself up and finally took a shower, but I just want to go back and rest. I feel so guilty because I have my kids around, though there are grandparents who want to help take care of them, I feel like they are just running around too much and are bored. But I have no energy to give them today. What an amazingly frustrating feeling this is.

I think I will go back and lie down now. This sucks.

Sinead O'Connor?

2009-06-19T21:30:00.000-04:00

It's been 7 hours and that's about it
Since I buzzed my hair all off.
I go out wearing wigs but caps at home
Hope the kids get used to it...

Okay, enough trying to create lyrics to "Nothing Compares to You"...my hair started falling off slowing this morning, but I wasn't willing to have an emergency on Sunday in Bergen County, NJ, when no stores are even open to get a haircut, so I got the buzz cut today.

Not going to lie to you, I'm not happy about it. No offense to butch lesbians, but I really don't enjoy this haircut. I know, I know, it is going to grow back, but I'm still not happy about the process. Not ready to go out without some sort of head covering. Let's see how bold I am in 90 degree humidity, but I'll stick with this for now.

So, Godot has come and gone on my scalp. Let's see where else the hair will fall out. Dare I need the bikini wax yet or not? To be seen...Oh, and I still have eyebrows and lashes for now...and hair on my body...

I was told tonight that my aunt, who died of colo-rectal cancer tried to go through chemo twice, felt sick after the second treatment and stopped. I wonder if that would have saved her life. I mean, I've come this far, why would I stop now? I lost my hair, how much worse can I get??? Please, let's not answer that now!

Update for the day

2009-06-18T22:32:00.000-04:00

Well, not sleeping didn't do me so well today, but that's okay. Power walked in a huge mall with my baby for 45 minutes while feeling very nauseaus, but I did it. On the way home, because I didn't take my afternoon nausea medication soon enough, I felt like I was going to barf...not cool in front of my husband, dad, and 5year old (Big Jake) , 3 1/2 year old (Lilibell) and 19 month old (Sarita). So I kept it together like a champ, took my meds and collapsed for 2 hours. Lillibell joined me in bed to watch some of her favorite progams so that was nice.

I had dinner and it just didn't sit well with me, but for dessert, I craved a vanilla ice cream hot fudge sundae. I knew it wouldn't sit well with me either, but I took my antinausea med, had the sundae and then gargled with salt water to get rid of the yucky film it left on my tongue...but it was worth it!!!

Oh, and my poor husband had to give me a shot of neulasta to boost my white blood cell count. That's the one that can give me the bone pain side effect, but before I can take any Advil to relieve the bone pain, I have to make sure I don't have a temperature of 100.4...otherwise I have to go to the hospital for anti-biotics. I'm just working on the positive attitude that I won't have bone pain so I don't have to worry about the rest of the stuff!

I have heard people talk about being so forgetful because of chemobrain. I think if I can remember all the crap that comes with taking medications and side effects to look out for, I am allowed to forget all the other stuff. As long as the kids don't go out of the house naked and starving, I think I've got my shit together!!!

So far, I've still got my hair! Let's see what happens because I REALLY need that bikini wax...

Side Effects

2009-06-18T10:07:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to note that I didn't sleep at all last night, but I caught up on my Globe Trekker episodes and Family Guy and Robot Chicken. Felt nauseaus then and feel so now. Just in case I wanted to help anyone else with chemo, here's my blog log. i hope my meds kick in soon...Still waiting for Godot for other side effects, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth!

Chemo - take two!

2009-06-17T15:20:00.000-04:00

i sit here and type one-handed as i funish the end of my second chemo treatment. felt some itchiness and made nurses run around to make sure i was not having a reaction...i am ok. looking forward to this week's after effects which may include: bone pain, more nausea, loose poop, tiredness and the best one of all...hair loss! ithink i will freak when it happens, but i am trying to be strong and not scared. i think seeing other women with wigs helps. BUT i am waiting to see whether ALL my hair falls out everywhere or if i will need a bikini wax. it has been over 2 months so i can tell you it ain't pretty...but when i asked the oncologist whether waxing is ok, she suggested i wait...that i might not need to worry about that. what the heck, i have lines where i used to have nipples and rock hard temporary implants until the final implants are put in in november...and i don't have tons of feeling there anyway, so who cares if i'm a little hairy right now?

oh, and in case i forgot to mention, i still get my period through all this. i mean, it's nice to know i am healthy (outside of this cancer crap) but it would have been nice not to worry about that for some other reason besides pregnancy...which brings me back to my needing a bikini wax...that might be my new form of birth control...nah, that's not gonna stop me from gettin some! oh yeah!

time to disconnect, go home and wait for something to happen...just kidding, life is happening and though i will take it easy, i am not going to let fun pass me by!

Would Health Care Reform Deem My Mammogram Necessary Before Age 40?

2009-06-15T21:51:00.000-04:00

Today, President Obama spoke to the AMA about Healthcare Reform. I agree that something needs to be done about healthcare. My husband lost his job in November. His company covered our health insurance through January 31st and COBRA kicked in on February 1st. Unfortunately, our 18 month old daughter had to take an ambulance ride to the emergency room on February 1st and, to the hospital, it looked as if we weren't covered by insurance. The ambulance ride bill was $1,800. The unisured patient discount was $1,500. We were officially charged the difference. However, once COBRA did kick in, the insurance company paid the fee and we did not pay anything. No one can argue that the ambulance ride uninsured charge and discount demonstrates a breakdown in our system, however, this same February, a new doctor sent me, 37 years old, for my first mammogram. She didn't feel anything, she just thought I should have a baseline mammogram. They found something so small it couldn't be felt, but after my biopsy was performed in the office with results back to me 30 minutes later, I was told that I had breast cancer. I made the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy and was able to find a surgeon and have the surgery 6 weeks later. Now I am undergoing chemotherapy.While I understand that President Obama's plan places an emphasis on preventitive care, most doctors don't send their patients for their first mammogram until age 40. My oncologist and cancer surgeons both told me that my cancer was fast-growing and could have been a much more dire situation if it had it been been detected a year, much less three years, later. Who knows whether my doctor would have felt comfortable sending me for the mammogram when she did if she had to worry about penalties for "unneccessary tests." Who knows whether those people, like me, who do not fall into a "high risk" category would be allowed to go for such tests before age 40? I want my doctors to feel comfortable sending me for any tests they deem important, whether an insurance company or the governement feels otherwise. This doctor and this test saved my life and to me, that is very necessary.

Chemotherapy - Treatment One

2009-06-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

I can be cool. I can pretend that I can handle anything. I can go for my first treatment with confidence, chat with the nurses and doctors, pretend that I am okay...but I am not.

I definitely took the anti-anxitey meds they gave me that day and waited for the side effects to happen. I didn't sit around and wait, I was out doing stuff, walking power walks, playing with the kids. But after my Wednesday treatment, Sunday was pretty awful. First of all, I guess I wasn't taking enough of the anti-anxiety medication at night so I had not been sleeping for a few nights anyway, but by Sunday, I was a wreck. My husband took the kids to a birthday party and I had planned to take a walk to garner some energy, but my husband told me to take a rest. So, I sat on the couch all morning unable to move. My stomach was a complete wreck, diharrea, so I couldn't be far away from a toilet, and I couldn't even go to the park with the kids. I couldn't eat anything.

Okay, so while I really felt awful, I know it could have been alot worse, and that's what hit me...this is going to get worse. I am going to continue to feel nausea throughout the two weeks, unable to sleep without taking two anti-anxiety pills...

Now I have to wonder how soon after my next treatment that my hair will fall out. People keep telling me how great I will look bald, but I DON'T WANT TO LOOK BALD! I don't want to lose my eyelashes (though I haven't had a bikini wax in over 2 months, and while I really want one, if it is all really going to fall out, what's the point now??? But oh, that is so gross, I really cannot stand to look at that!) I might be more upset about my eyelashes than my hair. I bought two wigs so I am ready for it. I cut my hair very short and snet the long hair to Locks for Love so I'd feel like someone was getting something good from the hair. I brought the kids with me to look at the wigs so that they wouldn't be surprised. Cut my hair short to get them used to it.

But I am so uncomfortable about the next treatment. All I see are the red vials of poison waitijng to go in my veins...it makes me feel sick to think about it. I had wanted to write something short about it, and I have, and now I am going to bed

Filler up, please?

2009-06-14T20:50:00.000-04:00

So, now I'll talk about the expansion process. First of all, my plastic surgeon has the bedside manner of a hobit. He made me feel like my breasts were never going to look good afterwards and said outright that if I was going through a mastectomy for cosmetic purposes, I had the wrong idea. Are you fucking kidding me?

I mean, yes, I did and still do have hopes that my breasts look great when this process is done, this was FAR from my reasoning to have the double mastectomy. I was going for peace of mind, not waking up every morning thinking I still had cancer in my breast, you know, reasonable considerations.

I did go for a second opinion, and that plastic surgeon assured me that while my surgeon had awful bedside manner (much different than my cancer surgeon who is a saint) that he did good work and was really just a perfectionist. I could handle that.

So, after my surgery, this guy looked at my boobs once a week to determine the next step. Step one was to get out the disgusting drains. Couldn't have been more thrilled that they were out less than a week after surgery. Boy, were those things painful and pulling and gross and ugh! I came back the next week, and two nurses took syringes filled with saline, and literally, within 20 seconds, my breast size had grown! I have little metal ports that make this process so easy! Then, the doc would come in, look at his work and say he'd see me in a week.

I went through this process five times, the last one was the worst. See, the purpose of these expensions in to expand the pectoral muscle, because once all the breast tissue is gone, there is nothing left to hold up an implant, so for a mastectomy patient, the implant goes behind the pectoral muscle, which needs to be stretched to withstand the new implant. I could not lay down flat, or at all for a few weeks after the last stretching. As much as I wanted my breasts to be as big as they had been before, my pectoral muscle reminded me they could only be so big. So, while they will be quite perky and braless for all eternity, they will never quite be the size they were before.

I just cannot wait for the new ones to come in so I can feel something other than hard rocks behind my skin...

Mamma got a new rack

2009-06-14T20:09:00.001-04:00

Well, it has been just over two months since I had a double mastectomy. I can say that it has been the craziest two months in my entire life. I feel the need to write down not only what happened but my progress since then, as I intend to use this blog as my diary of sorts.

I can remember double dosing my Xanax the night before my surgery (per my surgeon's suggestion) and thinking more about potential complications that might occur than the fact that I was having cancer cut out of my body and my old breasts removed and replaced with new models...Why was I so concerned about complications? I'll get to that blog another time, but it has to do with my brother dying from complications to elective surgery.

But my husband, mom and dad stayed with me while I had my surgery...well, in the waiting room. I remember being brought into the room and being woken afterward that the surgery went well, followed by the most searing pain in my chest. I told the surgeon I was glad that things had gone well, but that I really hurt and wanted to not hurt.

I don't remember much about the hospital after that. I remember worrying that I wouldn't be able to get around, like I couldn't after my 3 c-sections, but I was surprisingly mobile...outside of the fact that I couldn't get my hands over my head, literally, but I could move around surprisingly well!

I remember trying all sorts of pain medications because nothing seemed to cut through my pain. The nurse was so patient and told me to try some pain management consistency...she was also not surprised that my cocktail of pain management choices caused me to vomit...but I felt fine after that.

I do remember walking the hallway with my husband the day after the surgery with a huge smile on my face. As much as I had loved my breasts and was sad to part with them, I felt no remorse at all afterwards. In fact, I was smiling from ear to ear because I was so happy to know that the cancer was gone...until I started looking around at the other women and talking with them. Those who were there for their second or third time didn't talk in terms of not expecting to be in the hospital again, they were just there for some other procedure, cancer removal. I thought, "Holy shit! Not only did I have something in my body that could have killed me (was kind of in denial about that), but this might NOT be the end of it." That's why the nurses wouldn't agree with me when I said goodbye and I would never see them again. All these women on my hospital floor probably felt the same thing I thought when they left for the first time. I pray to G-d that I don't have to see that hospital floor ever again, but seeing the other women there made me feel less certain.

But, I got past that and was very excited to come home two days later. Four drainage tubes coming out from under my arms, and flatter than I was at the age of twelve, I came home. It was very hard to come home, emotionally and physically. I still couldn't lift my arms over my head and couldn't really hug my three little kids or pick them up. When my 3 1/2 year old felt the drainage tubes, she seemed confused. I tried to be very open and matter of fact that they were no big deal. I asked her if she wanted to see them. I only showed the bottom of the tube which hung by my waist...she was totally freaked out for the rest of the night. It was very depressing. I couldn't help myself or console my daughter. Not great. Then, a few days later she told me she didn't like me anymore. I told her that I was sorry to hear that but that I still loved her very much. Oh, didn't that kill me.

Plus, I'm drugged out from pain killers, I have to have my husband drain my tubes twice a day, I cannot find a comfortable place to sleep at night, I have foreign material in my chest (chest expanders) that felt uncomfortable AND I was unable to take a shower for two days after the drainage tubes came out and I had just come home from the hospital! What a nightmare! AND i was trying to pretend that I was okay and everything was cool...it was rough.

Thankfully, I had my drainage tubes taken out just 6 days after surgery and was able to take a shower two days later. Still, barely able to get my arms anywhere over my head, after doing my exercises 5 times a day, I not only took my first shower, but I somehow ambled my arms over my head enough to wash my hair. I looked like crap but I was so proud of myself!

By a month I was able to put my arms entirely over my head and by six weeks I was picking up my kids and doing everything pretty much normally. Sleep is still a little rough on my sides, but I can remember thinking that I'll NEVER be able to sleep on my sides again. Only two months later, I can do it!!!

When I talked to the surgeon a week after my surgery, she was very optimistic that they had gotten rid of all of the cancer. I had a small invasive ductal carcinoma, 9 mm all in, and it had not spread to my lymph nodes. My cancer surgeon said they were waiting for some other test results to come back, but she was fairly certain I was not going to need chemotherapy based on the size of my cancer.

But my cancer was smart. And I passed a test I would have rather failed. I tested positive for Her2Neu...some protein that tells cancer to grow like the 6 Million Dollar Man - stronger, faster, harder - I was going to need chemo. The thought wasn't that I did have cancer still in my body, but if, on the off chance a microscopic cancer cell got into my bloodstream, it would land somewhere and grow like weeds.

When I got that news, I was devistated. I could handle new boobs, but poisoning my body with chemo, I just couldn't deal with. I didn't want to lose my hair and look and feel sick. I have three small kids, I don't have time for this! Well, more about this later, but here's the positive spin as I can see it:

1. I never have to wear a bra again (unless I want to). These ladies stand upright and, while I don't have the final implants but just expanders, they do look quite nice, and nicer than I had expected!

2. I don't have cancer in my body and I don't have to be paranoid again that the cancer will come back in my breasts because there is no more breast tissue for cancer to return! Yes, I still have to worry about a microscopic cancer cell, but I no longer have big pieces in my body.

3. I don't have to wear a bra ever again and they already look good!

4. I will be around to dance at my grandchildrens' weddings!

5. I will be here to bug my husband forever and ever!

I count my blessings for how well things turned out if they had to with having cancer:

Having the miscarriage I had last fall was not only a sanity saver (4 kids under 5 would have been nuts for me!) but a life saver. I would still be pregnant today with a tumor growing if I had not had the miscarriage...and I would have put off taking care of myself for at least a few more years while I was taking care of a newborn...who knows how big the tumor would have been by then!

My husband losing his job with money in the bank was a godsend. He has been the family's rock since this happened to me. He wasn't thrown into this quickly, he had been home a few months to know our routine and make sure the kids were well adjusted during this time.

They got all the cancer out because there wasn't much there to get!

I ask myself daily what I did wrong to deserve this. I know I will never know but I still feel like I pissed off g-d and now me and my family have to suffer, but I also know that I cannot go back but go fowrard and I hope that by doing so strong and with my head held high, at least I'll come out on the other side a happier and better person than I had before...

MRIs - like a bad guitar lesson

2009-03-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

I had my first MRI yesterday. What an experience. I had forgotten a CD to listen to during the procedure, but it didn't matter. Anytime the MRI was running, it was so loud, I couldn't even hear the annoying classical music piping through my headphones!

All I could think of was that I was at a rock concert for beginner electric guitar players. Each one had found an off-key note that they thought they were playing well and would play it over and over and over again...and VERY loud!!! I am not sure whether it took more or less than 30 minutes, because I didn't wear my watch, however, it was very uneventful.

Today, I found out that I have to go back for additional testing because they found a 3mm "enhancy nodule" near the original cancer spot. I spent all morning worrying that I had more cancer that had spread since they found this nodule very near to the original cancer spot (still waiting for a second opinioon to confirm that spot is cancer). Then I realized that I should call the surgeon's office that told me I had an enhancy nodule to see what it was. Apparently, they are not sure what it is, which is why I am going for a test tomorrow to see what it is, but I've had it for today. I seriously cannot deal with my three kids plus one playdate right now.

I apologized to my husband who is sitting home with strep throat right now, and asked him to watch them all. Well, now my beautiful 3 1/2 year old is sitting and watching cartoons with me, but that is okay, I could use some company!

I know that this is all going to be okay in a few months, and I have been trying to be so positive so far, but I've lost it today. I just want to lay down for the rest of the day and not think about anything. So that is what I plan to do...

Just 5 Days

2009-03-03T21:13:00.000-05:00

Who knew that a year could go by in five days. Just five days! Five days ago, I went to have a follow-up mammogram and ultrasound after having my first one the month before. Everyone from my own doctor to the mammogram technician assured me that this was just a follow-up baseline mammogram which happens to a lot of first-timers...

So, five days ago, I had the mammogram, breast pressed as flat as a pannini (thanks to Honestly and Sincerely for that graphic description!). Then, some waiting. Then, the ultrasound. As the technician was scanning my breast, I asked her, "So, I guess you don't take any pictures if you don't see anything." She said, "yes", and not a minute later, she took a picture of something.

The tech said she just wanted to show it to the doctor, no big deal. I had a good book that I had started, The Border of Truth by Victoria Redel, so I didn't mind waiting. The tech comes back. I need to consent to some needle in my breast. It will only take 10 seconds for the procedure and 30 minutes to get the results. "Okay, but can I keep reading my book until we start?" The tech said yes. So, I had a fine needle aspiration biopsy. It did hurt, even in my tricep muscle, but it was over fairly quickly. Back to the waiting room and more reading!

Then they press my boob some more and more waiting. More book, so no problemo.

Then, the doctor calls me into an office. She asks me how I'm doing and I said that I'd be fine as long as she said I was okay. Then she tells me that the test came back positive. I was always a good student, but this was one time I was hoping to hear I had failed. I was too emotional to ask the details and she even told me that I wouldn't remember anything anyway. The only other thing I remember her saying is that breast cancer is curable.

Then, some nurse comes in and tells me that I need to find a surgeon and have an MRI and my treatment could be anything from hormone therapy to lumpectomy with radiation to mastectomy. I was FLOORED. I mean, I have other health problems in my family and would have expected any of those as a possibility, but not breast cancer!

I mean, if there is anything on my body that I am really attached to, not just physically but emotionally, it is the ladies. And, these are no girls, but these ta-tas are my ladies. 34DD, thank you very much! They are even big enough that they extend out farther than my 3 c-section belly that I haven't tried to get rid of yet! So, to tell me that there was something wrong with the ladies, was VERY upsetting!

I think I spent the rest of the days in tears and schock. I know my 3 year old (I also have a 4 1/2 year old and 16 month old) has been sensing it since then. She surely has been acting differently since then!

But this has just been such a whirlwind since then. Thankfully, but unthankfully, my husband, Rob, has an aunt who just had breast cancer surgery last year. So, Rob called her on Thursday night to get a list of her surgeons.

So, by Friday morning, I was calling doctor's offices. They were asking all sorts of questions about what kind of cancer I had, and I just kept telling them that I had a 5mm spot on my left breast at the 2:oo position. I didn't even know how many different types of breast cancer there were. Still, everyone was (and still is) so helpful and gentle. You mention the word "cancer" and people really do want to make things easy on you. I think I spent the entire day talking to people, telling my friends and family the story over and over again. By the end of the day, I had an MRI scheduled for Tuesday and an appointment with a surgeon for late in the month.

I was still a wreck, but at that point, I just realized that fear was not going to make this go away. That waiting was not going to make this go away. And, while I hold out a slight glimmer of hope that the diagnosis was incorrect (waiting for the second opinion), I know that standing still is not an option. So, now I know that I will make myself available for any poking and prodding, and questioning and waiting. I have three little kids and the most awesome and supportive husband I could ask for. Right now I am totally ready to say goodbye to my ladies who have brought me pride all these years and replace them with newer models. In fact, a surgeon is going to have to do quite a convincing act to prove to me that something other than a double mastectomy will give me 100 percent certainty that I will not have breast cancer again. But, I promise to keep an open mind and get second opinions and the like.

I know breast cancer is curable. I know my doctor, who sent me to get my first mammogram at 37 because my breast tissue was dense and wanted me to get a baseline for the future, was as surprised as I was at this outcome. I am greatful to my doctor for being proactive, because even my OB-GYN didn't catch this nor saw any reason to send me for a mammogram. I feel somewhat silly for making this such a rush for such a small mound of bad stuff, because there are women out there in much worse situations than I am, but I know that no matter how small the mass is, it needs to come out asap.

Whew! Enough for tonight. Like I said, last Thursday (and it is Tuesday now) seems like a year ago. I am glad I was able to remember as much detail as I did. I'll keep you posted with my progress. Next blog, I will take the role of Debbie Downer and tell you all the crappy things that have happened to me in the past year. My only sibling, my brother, died a year ago. This fall, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks (really, I didn't want more kids, but once I had accepted I was having a 4th child, I had a miscarriage), this winter, my husband took a package and got laid off from his company, a month ago, my 15 month old lost the tip of her left ring finger when another kid slammed a door on her hand (she should be okay, but being right there, I felt like I was in a horror film...) I think that's enough for the past 12 months, right? But I have awesome kids who make me laugh every day. And I know my husband will find a job, but I am so glad he is home right now. If he was working his crazy hours, how would I get through this crap???

AND finding out I have cancer puts all the other crap into perspective. So, yay for cancer giving me a better outlook on what's important! Screw that! Couldn't god have found some other way to teach me this lesson???

god bless health insurance

2009-02-09T22:34:00.001-05:00

Health insurance is so great!
Go to doctors, don't procrastinate!
Healthy checks are really cool
And dental visits, too, so you have teeth and don't drool!

Or when your daughter's finger is caught in the door
And the tip is in front of you, unconnected to her, on the floor
It's nice to know the plastic surgeon is covered
And the ambulance ride, too! (My first time ever!)

And your first mammogram
With your breasts pressed like ham
You ask how much is out of pocket
And the receptionist says, "Fuggetaboutit!!!"

And the trip to the doc
With the preschooler and tot
You think you pay alot?
With insurance I say, "NOT!"

The crazy thing about this rhyme
Is that this stuff all happened in such a short time
From Sunday to Friday, just this last week!
I sure hope this one goes by without a peep!

Dark Side of the Street

2009-01-12T22:02:00.000-05:00

(Sung to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon")

The snow and ice stay on my grass
The snow and ice stay on my grass
I look across the street, theirs doesn't seem to last
My snow and ice don't melt so fast...

The snow and ice stay on my walk
The snow and ice stay on my walk
I'm just afraid someone will slip and hit the floor
That lawsuit I just can't afford.

And if I shovel and scrape like my neighbors do
But the sunlight never hits my house
I'm still out when the sun becomes the moon
Cause my snow and ice don't melt that soon.

My neighbor's driveway has no snow
He got it all away I know
I cannot seem to get the heavy ice to melt
Even with the shoveling pain I felt.

You try doing it yourself
To save some money
But hiring someone might be the key...

And if my husband starts the job but has no rock salt left
You shout to him, "Use more elbow grease!"
But even after both of you have failed to do the job
It's 'cause you're on the dark side of the street

And all of the flowers
That don't seem to bloom
And all of the plants
That wither too soon
And all of the snow and ice
That make you slip and slide
And all because your house location
Keeps the front shadowed outside
And all that you think is this winter weather you can't beat
It's living on the dark side of the street...

Backhanded Compliments

2009-01-08T21:33:00.000-05:00

I just got one of the nicest compliments since I've moved to the suburbs 4 years ago...but it wasn't to my face. I was out to dinner with two friends, one is like family to me, and the other is a newer friend.

I guess the topics of conversation veered away from children, and as much as I love my children, I love to have conversations not including them and not around them, and we talked about many things...none of which fully come to mind, but we had a great time.

I left dinner and my two friends were still together and the newer friend turns to the older friend and commented how much fun I was that night and how she had never seen that side of me...I guess different than how she normally sees me around my children (the fun side?). My other friend, said, no, that wasn't a side of her, that's her!

Well, it just reminded me of who I am outside my kids. It's not that I associate my worth by them and have nothing else to deliver, I guess I just don't let loose enough when I am around them...Poor kids. I'd better learn to incorporate all of "me" even when I'm with them. I do want them to remember me as a fun person, not as someone who was always up their butts!

Did you ever feel like you'd lost that fun part of yourself when you became an adult? What did you do to get it back???

I'm happy and I love my kids, but I have GOT to let them see how much fun there is to life, and their mom, so that every memory can be filled with just a bit more laughter...

The Recession Haircut

2009-01-07T22:45:00.001-05:00

As a mom of three kids 4 and under, I have very little time in the morning to get myself ready. I used to "enhance my natural highlights", which really means "color my hair", but I couldn't stand going to the hairdresser every two months to dye my roots back to match the rest of my hair, and I really didn't have time to do that with my crazy kids, so, I stopped doing that.

Then, I decided no matter what kind of style someone wanted to give me, all layers had to be long enough that I could put them back in a ponytail (another time saving technique!)

Basically, I had to do away with "high maintenance hair".

So, pretty much, I used to have fun layered blonde hair, and now I have brown one-layered hair. I used to think that was boring...but boring is so out...so I'm calling my style the recession haircut! Who has money these days to get their hair colored every two months at $200 a pop before you even get your hair cut???

So, if you cannot afford to spend the money on your hair, just get the hip "recession cut" - you just go natural. Get a good haircut that lasts 7 months, instead of 2, by keeping it long and unlayered! Stop getting highlights - that is so 2008.

I'll get a good recession haircut picture as an example tomorrow. But just think how cool people would sound with the "recession haircut"??? Okay, probably not cool, but at least you could give the new "do" a title without saying I can't afford high maintenance hair...

Ode to a Meteorologist

2009-01-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always loved the weather. Well, maybe I can attribute this on my dad. I can remember him calling me in college. He was in Maryland and I was in Louisiana, and he would ask me about the weather. I'd tell him that it was a sunny day. He'd tell me that was impossible because he looked in the newspaper and saw rain. This is the same man, when I traveled through Europe after college, and would use my calling card to call him and check in, his first question would be, "How's the weather there?" His first thought wasn't whether I was okay or not, but what was happening in the skies above. Yes, my love of weather runs deep. Oh, and my dad is a lawyer and has no inate meteorological tendencies that I know of...

In fact, not to insult meteorologists, but I have always wanted to be a weather girl. That is one job where you can be totally wrong about your analysis and not get fired. I mean, it's Mother Nature, for goodness sake, and she is one testy lady who can change her mind at the drop of a hat! I always thought that if I could point well to the map, look good in front of the camera, and talk convincingly, I'd have a career. If I made a mistake, I'd just apologize and try again the next day. If there's one thing I know, there will always be weather! Hey, I would have meteorologists in the background to give me good information, like a good manager, but I'd be out there, makin' the calls! I can hear me now, "There's a low moving over the mid-Atlantic states that will bring rain to most of the area, but watch out, Northeast! I think this low is going to bring some icy conditions to your area tonight...maybe up to 3 inches of a slushy mix...but the temperatures should rise quickly overnight and change over to all rain by the morning rush hour!" Visual - I am swirling my hand over the DelMarVa area and slide right up to New York and Massachusettes!

I write this as I wait at my window to hear the icy mix that should be developing over my area this evening but should change over to rain by morning...

Songs in my head

2009-01-05T20:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I walk around with a smile on my face because of a song I am singing in my head...Not from an IPOD or MP3 player of any kind. It's just random songs from whenever, and I spend my life with songs constantly running through my head. Good songs, bad songs, I have no filter. I could have heard the song yesterday or 25 years ago, but all of a sudden, I'm doing dishes and I start hearing, "All I wanna do when I wake up in the morning and I see your eyes...Rosanna, Rosanna". It makes me want to start dancing. I just wish the rest of my family could hear the song in my head and start dancing along with me. Kind of like a musical of my life.

I've always thought it would be so cool to have my life be a musical. I can picture it now. I am waiting with my husband at a coffee shop, ready to order, and he turns to me and says, "What do you want for breakfast?" The piano starts playing a quick little number, and I turn to him and start singing, "What do I want for breakfast? What do I want to eat? Isn't it nice, my darling, that we can sit and have some food together...what a treat!" And everyone in the coffee shop stops and starts doing some back up singing and dancing and then we all sit down for breakfast.

But it doesn't stop there...of course, there is drama in every day, right? So, at those dramatic moments, like when I'm stuck in the pediatrician's office and my daughter is so lethargic from her double ear infections (when I had just been there the day before but had not been diagnosed), and I realize that 40 minutes have passed and they must have forgotten my appointment, instead of having a conversation with the woman sitting next to me, whose daughter has also been forgotten and is climbing up the walls and screaming, we could talk and complain in song! We both could go up to the receptionist, the piano starts playing some sad, slow dramatic music and we say, "What have we done to wrong you? Was it the Christmas card we forgot???? You must know now my child needs help and if you don't see her soon - this song won't stop!" And it is such a silly moment that the other parents around us laugh a total loud, booming stage laugh, and we go back to our seats. It would be so much nicer than what we actually said to the receptionist...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I am so important that people would be interested in my life, in fact, in my perfect world, everyone can have their own musicals, and surprisingly, they would not overlap and cause accidents with dancers bumping into each other and all! I just think it would be fun!

My To Do List

2009-01-04T21:41:00.000-05:00

There is so much I'd like to do
Write a book or a blog or two.
Start a brilliant charity
To help families with their sick babies.
Take guitar lessons and start a band
Become famous, now wouldn't that be grand?
But all I can think about at this time is that I have a baby upstairs with a bad cold...she only stops crying when my husband puts her in our bed and holds her...I am not going to sleep tonight. And the doctor told me that since she just has a cold and since she's only 14 months old she's not allowed to have cold medicine, which I know will put her to sleep, but god-forbid I give her the medicine and something happens to her because she took medicine I would never forgive myself, so I know I should stop trying to write and just go to bed because it is going to be a long night...
But if I didn't have to go to bed
I'd finish this to do list instead!