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Summer is here!

Okay, I know it officially started last week, but tomorrow starts camp for my two older kids. They will be out of the house all day. I am conflicted because while I am looking forward to the full days without them to go through these bad chemo weeks without worrying about entertaining them (or my poor husband having to do that) I hate the fact that they will be gone for 8 weeks all week. I know this is really best for them, and they are going to have the best summer, and there are still plenty of times when we will play, but I just want to say for the record, that I will miss having them around.

Okay, so let's make the list of things I am going to do while they are in camp all summer, even though I still have one kid at home who will require attention (when you have 3 kids and 2 are gone, 1 seems like you could rule the world blindfolded with one hand tied behind your back) here goes the list:

1. organize each room in the house and keep it clean for at least 48 hours
2. put photos in kids and family photo albums from the past 3 years (no big deal, that should take a few hours, right?)
3. start ordering photo books for the kids for each year of their lives, including family pictures, because there is no way #2 is ever going to get done unless I hire someone to put them in an album and since I'm not doing that for a number or reasons (mostly I think that's too lazy) #2 is a pipe dream
4. work out every day on the good days through chemo so the bad days are fewer in number (this one, I might be able to pull off...)
5. do something crazy with my husband during some of those days, and that does not include our bi-weekly bonding treatments at the chemo lounge
6. smile as much when my kids are at camp as I do when they are home

Well, that about does it for me. Today was an almost nausea-free day. Yay me! I really think eating some protein when I feel queasy helps me out. Better get started on my to do list...tomorrow!

He shaved his head for me...

Seriously, my husband came home from playing golf yesterday and his hair was shorter than mine. I know he did it for me. He says it's his summer do, butI know he did it for me. And I love him for it...I loved him before that, but this just solidifies what a totally awesome man he is.

It makes me feel more confident about going bald when all of the hair finally falls out (very soon, very soon). Right now, it is falling out in patches on my scalp, not a pretty look, but I still have a lot of hair to go. I've been told it will all be out within the next 4 weeks. Back to my awesome husband, I know, he's just saying that it's no big deal, I know that. And I love him for that...and that he looks really good with no hair!

Today, was an awesome day. No nausea, no naps, went to the beach with the kids for the last hurrah before camp and even made it out for a full dinner date with my husband. I know each day will continue to get better until next treatment, and I will take every minute of it with gusto. When you feel good, you feel good!

Play that funky music, white boy!

I'm watching the news, all about Michael Jackson dying. It is sad, I know. But the news of his death brought me to the music of his life. It made me and a good friend of mine go through his music (and sing lyrics together on the phone and laugh) and I was not only amazed at how talented he really was, but how great his music was. I don't think I've sat on the phone reminiscing about music, and singing songs, since I was a teenager, but we really had fun on the phone!

I guess I should be sad about this, but I am sitting here singing songs in my head (go back to one of my original blogs, January 2009, called Songs in my Head and you'll understand me more) and I am totally smiling. We need more music that makes us smile. I need more music to make me smile. Again, when depressed, I can launch myself into "Comfortably Numb" and "How Soon Is Now" but I could just as easily think about "Thriller" and "Boys of Summer" and change that mood around. Seriously, I need to find my Thriller CD and play it for the kids, even if they scream for "Squeeze Box" and "Orange Crush" and play them what will soon be known as "their music". No kiddie music in our car, only the "classic" stuff we give them, and then the kids call it their music, and I love it!

Well, I am off to the attic to search for some of these CDs and torture my husband and kids on our way to the beach tomorrow. I don't care how much they scream, I'll be smiling!!!

I'm singing this note 'cause it fits in well with the way I'm feelin!

Cannot think of a title for this post. Just feel so good right now. I had a busy day, no naps for Paula, and though I had my ups and downs, right now, I just feel up.

I do notice sometimes that I try to get sad about what's going on. That I cannot be as energetic for my energizer bunnies as I usually am, that sometimes I wish I could give Rob a break and not have to depend on someone else to pitch in, that I HATE what my head looks like...I know, I know, give this a rest, but I'm telling you, the shaved head is probably the worst part so far, and I've felt constant nausea, even with medicine for the past month, and more other things than I care to mention, but I cannot get over my lack of hair! I digress.

Anyway, I find myself lost in my thoughts and depressed by them and I see this big hole where my emotions are about to jump, and then I stop myself. I know if I let myself go there, I could cry and cry and maybe never stop. I am not saying that crying is bad and I need to be some sort of stone, but when I see myself going down that negative path, I remind myself of all of the good that is not only going on in my life, but the fact that things could be SO MUCH WORSE, and I snap out of it. It is amazing how I find myself doing that these days. I should have been doing that so much more for problems that were so much smaller than this...I should have been doing that for the past 38 years! I guess we all want to believe that our drama is dramatic and oscar-worthy? I'm not sure. Or maybe it's just me? All I know is that I can visualize my sadness and step back from it for just a moment, and just move on.

Oh, and I hate to be so negative in my blog, there is just so much crap going on...I would much rather tell you about Lili trying so hard to make up her own jokes. She cracks me up. She just remembers one joke and is now trying to make up new ones. I catch her and she wants so hard to make up good jokes that she can actually remember in her 3 1/2 year old brain. I have GOT to get this kid a joke book! Or the 20 month old who sings (in her own 20 month old words) the lyrics to "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" and the theme music to Star Wars. Or Jacob, the 5 year old, who wants to act like a 6 year old (and I now get him to do many things he would protest by simply telling him that this is what a 6 year old does, not a 5 year old) who is so obsessed with the 6 Star Wars movies and how Darth Vader becomes Darth and how he turns back into Annekin Skywalker at the end of the 6th movie...the questions are so amazing!

I love watching my kids grow. I never thought I could be a stay-at-home mom, but they have such wonderful imaginations and are so fresh every day for new things. I could just sit and watch them sometimes and not take pictures and not take videos and not talk but just watch them work. I hope they grow up enjoying me as much as I enjoy them (minus teenage years, right?)

keep on truckin!

well, thanks for all my facebook friends for their awesome inspiration and support! really, you guys have no idea how much it touches me to read your messages...it really does my heart and soul good to have such an awesome and extensive support network! thank you for making this journey a little less painful!

on another note, it really does get better between sessions. i walked this morning (power walk, so i rock!), ran some errands, took a power nap (shouldn't wait so long between eating) and played with the kids in the backyard and EVEN made three different dinners for my family. honestly, i made wacky mac for my lili, spider man mac n cheese for jake and pasta with meat sauce for the adults for dinner. it's crazy enough that i am sick and making dinner, but this went beyond. but, whatever, i was glad not only that i could do it, but that i had the energy to do it. AND, well, this might be pushing it, but i think i am up for a game of rock band tonight. no just sitting on the couch!

i spoke to the nurse today. she said that i am actually doing well and their patients who try to do things, and not give into the side effects, end up healing much better...so, i am going to keep on going and make sure that i heal well.

i still hate hate hate what i look like with a buzz cut, and i still cannot stomach wearing my wigs, but i know my hair will grow back and it will look great. no, i am too vain to post a picture yet, and i may never do so, but, i know, this too will pass!

on a final note, it amazes me how long it takes to prepare an art project for a 5, 3 1/2 and 20 month old, and how fast it takes them to do it. but, painting outside is a total winner and something i know they won't want to do with me when their teenagers, so i'll take all i can get!

love to you all!

i've got to admit it's getting better...

well, i can honestly say that today was much better than yesterday! i didn't feel that same exhaustion that i felt on sunday. i still had to take a nap, but that sheer exhaustion is gone. i took the girls out for some fun and even had some fun myself! i know tomorrow will only be better so that is good! trying to deal with nausea every day. i hate it. but i am up and writing so that is good!