My many faces of breast cancer

Okay, at the risk of never leaving the computer and never sleeping again, I am going to just post some pics the old-fashioned way.  I really wanted to show you the many faces of me during the cancer treatment process via a slideshow, but I'm having a hard time doing that (I just cannot figure this blogger thing out!)  So, I'm just going to try and post some pics in a regular posting.

This first picture is sporting the dude-rag, schmata, bandana...whatever you want to call it...I still hate having no hair.

Here is me in the height of my baldness.  I just could not go out in public looking like this.  I cannot go out without something on now and I have a substantial covering all over my head...

Okay, so I'm not wearing any make up, but disregard the face and please notice the hair.  I just still cannot go without a wig...I just hate myself without hair.  Have I mentioned that before???

Do blondes have more fun?  Well, I thought if I had a few wigs to use, I could change my look according to my mood.

This is the brunette wig...at first, I loved this one, but lately I've been all about the blonde...and now, the piece de resistance:

Which one do you guys like the best???

New boobs!!!

Okay, here's the latest update: T minus 6 days until I get my stylish new more natural-feeling silicone implants! I cannot wait to get these rocks out of my chest! When I went to the plastic surgeon's office, I had the opportunity to molest the sample they had on the desk. I have to say, they felt very natural! I'm hoping they feel that way when the surgery is completed!

Good news is that I will not lose mobility like I did last time. Here's the only positive thing about not having much hair...last time I had surgery and lost the ability to raise my hands over my head, it was very hard to take a shower and wash my long hair...now, I don't have to worry about that! And, though I'll smell a little bit since I cannot shower for a week again, at least my hair won't look like a nappy mess. I can just throw on a wig and feel a bit better! Yeah...I think? Okay, so if you are in the vicinity, please do not come too close. Let me be appealing from afar!

People keep asking if this is the last big haul from the whole year's ordeal. The answer in short is yes, the really hard part is over. The long answer is that I continue to take an IV medicine every three weeks and I still have a "procedure" to get nipples made...I know, gross, huh? I have no nipples now (my husband calls them "frankenboobs") so they will somehow make ones for me. It sounds totally gross and disgusting, but perhaps the doc can take some of my c-section scar tissue for that...get a little tightened around the belly for a teensy weensy bit more upside? (I'm always looking for more bright side of things).

Sorry if I gave you so much information that you now want to barf, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it! I just cannot wait for life to return to normal. What is normal? I don't even know anymore...but I know that all is well and I have things very good and I am lucky and blessed. 2009, while full of wonderful things for my friends and family cannot end soon enough for me!

Pink Eye!!!

So, I forgot to mention this and, in retrospect, it strikes me as funny!

I went to my 20th high school reunion two weeks ago. I was not quite sure I was going to attend because of my current health situation, but I decided to go. I had a great time and it was so wonderful to see everyone there!

But, you know how I feel about not having hair...I hate it. My eyelashes fell out and, for the most part, are tiny little stubs at that. But I decided to see if I could get eyelash extensions to make my eyes look more normal for the reunion. They weren't bad (I should have had a picture of them, shouldn't I?) but since I had so few lashes to begin with, the woman who did the work could only get on about a quarter of what she would normally do. My eyelashes still looked sparse, but it wasn't so bad. The lashes were affixed on Thursday and we headed to the reunion on Friday and Saturday.

The woman who fixed my lashes told me not to rub my eyes too hard or the lashes would fall off. So, I am sure I didn't clean off my eye makeup as well as I would normally do. On top of that, I left my contact lenses in all night that Saturday night (too much fun at the reunion, I guess) and by Tuesday, my eyes were totally gooey and pink and totally infected. I went to the doctor and got a prescription to fix the pink eye and I am happy to report it is gone. Actually, it was almost 100% better after one dose!

But it serves me right for being vain!!!

Can someone help me get into a routine with my family??? Ugh! I am done with chemo. So thrilled that I am done with chemo, but I just don't feel myself yet. I am trying so hard to act like everything is normal, especially around people who don't know me that well, but it is so freaking hard to do!

All I want to do is get my kids routines for school down, but with my 5 year old just starting kindergarten and trying to make friends for my 4 year old (who I have been so bad about making playdates for) and my almost 2 year old starting transitional twos, I cannot get my shit together. And, when I meet people and want to plan all of this stuff, I am so freaking tired right now that I don't know where my head is!

I know, I know, I don't need to do all of this stuff right now, but I think I am so desparate to get into a routine and get this cancer crap behind me, that I am making myself nuts in the process!

Oh, and I was trying to be inspired by Christina Applegate's struggle with breast cancer, but then I realized that she didn't have to go through chemo (which is truly awful and humiliating, especially with the hair loss and I don't care what anyone else says, I still hate the hair thing) and she also didn't have a family to worry about. She just had to worry about herself. I do not like feeling jealous of her fortunate situation, and I know there are too many women in a worse situation than I am, but I cannot find solace with her cancer story. Will I find solace with any story? Yes, I have and I do. Working on finding a support group because I cannot deal with this in my head anymore. I am working on the support group, but haven't found it yet...I'll let you know when I do...See, so I'm not always positive and happy. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a nicer attitude for the readers at large. Tonight, I just feel like bitching. Thanks for listening...

Today is the Greatest!

Well, okay, so I'm writing this before midnight, but I'm already thinking it's tomorrow ('cause I am usually asleep by now!) I am SO psyched that tomorrow is my last chemo treatment!!! I never thought this day would come and now that is has, I wish tomorrow were already over!

Although I will still have to go every 3 weeks through next summer to have an IV medication delivered, and I still have the final implants to be put in, I don't think I have ever dealt with anything as challenging as these past few months! I am feeling myself starting to cry because I am finally getting over the crisis mode of getting everything taken care of to this complete daze of what I've been through. I don't even think I've had time to process it all. Now, as I try to tackle that challenge, I know I need help!

Wow, I thought this blog was going to be all about how excited I am that I will be finished with chemo, but what I am really finding out is that I am emotionally spent. I am very proud of what I have been able to withstand, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer. I didn't feel anything, and one day, my life changed! I know it will eventually get back to a more normal functioning, and I still know that things could have been so much worse, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer!

Okay, okay, gain composure. Go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day of sitting and falling asleep and I still have to wake up in the middle of the night to take my pre-chemo medications. Wait, I think this overwhelmed feeling has been replaced with tears of joy because it is over tomorrow and now I just have to get my hair back. Did I mention before how much I HATE not having hair???

Hit me with your best shot...

An honest kid really knows how to hit your sore spots. It all stems from my insecurities about NOT having hair right now and wishing very much that I did. Usually, I wear scarves on my head (especially with summertime heat 'cause those wigs can be very HOT), and I have been wearing wigs for the past two days for a few reasons but most importantly, I didn't want to bring my son to Kindergarten wearing a scarf on my head and have people wonder what is going on. I don't want/need to be that person. I want to go the new school and meet new people and the teachers knowing I look pretty good. I am not saying the wigs make me look like a super model or anything, but I will have to post pics with the wigs on for examples. I just feel so much better when I have hair. That's all there is to say about that. But I digress...

So, I was wearing the wig while I was reading the kids books during dinner tonight and my five year old tells me, "Mommy, I miss your hair." Ugh! Did he really have to go there? My biggest chemo insecurity...So I told him, "Yeah, I know. But do you know who misses my hair more than anyone???" "Daddy," my two older kids said. "No, I do," said I. While I appreciate their honestly, it just hit me below the belt. So, I told them all that once my hair grew back, I was going to grow it as long as we all liked it and then I'd stop growing it. "Longer than it was before, Mommy?" they asked. And I said, "As long as we like it!"

So, as much as I'd like to admit that my kids are not at all phased by what has happened to me, I am glad they acknowledge that something happened, even if 99% of the time they act as if I am not someone on chemo, just their mommy...

Can You See the Real Me?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I finally got the guts, so here it is...I guess if my kids aren't afraid or upset to see my bald head (they sometimes request to see it) then I shouldn't be embarrassed...even my husband shaved his head in solidarity. No kidding, my son was more upset (he was almost in tears) when he saw his dad's bald head, but he does not do that when he sees mine!

I can honestly tell you that I hate what I look like without hair. My clothes don't look as good, I feel fat, it is really embarrassing. So why am I posting this picture? I guess I just feel that some day I am going to look back on this time and regret not taking a picture. Maybe my kids will want to see this strange time in my life. A blip on the screen, as one of my good friends puts it. But here's the proof that I have some real crap going through my system. You can't make this stuff up...Good news is that as of this time, my eyebrows and eyelashes have not fallen out...though I was right in waiting on a bikini wax (too much information, I know).

But my title isn't correct. This isn't the real me...this doesn't feel like me at all. Ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I haven't felt like me. I've just been this "being" going through the motions to get rid of the cancer forever. And my cancer was the size of a grain of rice, yet I STILL have to endure the pain and humiliation of not just having foreign objects in my chest but poison in my body that makes me sick just thinking about it. And I hate that, while I only have 8 more weeks of chemo, I still have a year of having some IV medicine every three weeks AND I have another surgery in November to get final implants and then another surgery to create nipples...yeah, you didn't know that, did you? It doesn't just end with a double mastectomy, even if you don't have to go through chemo! Sometimes it is truly hard to feel positive and thankful for all of the good things when there is such angst in my own body...but outside of writing this down, you will not hear me speak such things. I know there are too many other women who have to suffer this without the help of a spouse, supportive family and friends. I cannot sit and feel sorry for myself because I DO have it good! It is just so hard, when your body feels so crummy, to remember the good things. So I am thankful every day for my husband who takes care of the family when I do need to lie in bed and for my three young kids who don't allow me much time to lie in bed or dwell on this stuff...and who really love me for just being there for them and being their mommy and not someone sick with boo-boos...

To my children's credit, I must mention the important things that happened today: I listened to my 20 month old sing "We are the Champions" with the radio, got to sing into a princess radio and make up song lyrics for my almost 4 year old, and got to make Lego houses for some Clone Troopers with my 5 year old. That's what matters and that was fun. We laughed today all together and separately and I got them to bed all by myself tonight. My house may be a mess, but my heart is happy and full!

I am so thankful for my good fortunes in life. I know I thank my friends and family often, but it is not often enough. I will never be able to write thank you notes for all the kindness that has been bestowed on me, not in my lifetime. All I can do is look forward with a smile on my face and remember the important things in life.

He shaved his head for me...

Seriously, my husband came home from playing golf yesterday and his hair was shorter than mine. I know he did it for me. He says it's his summer do, butI know he did it for me. And I love him for it...I loved him before that, but this just solidifies what a totally awesome man he is.

It makes me feel more confident about going bald when all of the hair finally falls out (very soon, very soon). Right now, it is falling out in patches on my scalp, not a pretty look, but I still have a lot of hair to go. I've been told it will all be out within the next 4 weeks. Back to my awesome husband, I know, he's just saying that it's no big deal, I know that. And I love him for that...and that he looks really good with no hair!

Today, was an awesome day. No nausea, no naps, went to the beach with the kids for the last hurrah before camp and even made it out for a full dinner date with my husband. I know each day will continue to get better until next treatment, and I will take every minute of it with gusto. When you feel good, you feel good!

Sinead O'Connor?

It's been 7 hours and that's about it
Since I buzzed my hair all off.
I go out wearing wigs but caps at home
Hope the kids get used to it...

Okay, enough trying to create lyrics to "Nothing Compares to You"...my hair started falling off slowing this morning, but I wasn't willing to have an emergency on Sunday in Bergen County, NJ, when no stores are even open to get a haircut, so I got the buzz cut today.

Not going to lie to you, I'm not happy about it. No offense to butch lesbians, but I really don't enjoy this haircut. I know, I know, it is going to grow back, but I'm still not happy about the process. Not ready to go out without some sort of head covering. Let's see how bold I am in 90 degree humidity, but I'll stick with this for now.

So, Godot has come and gone on my scalp. Let's see where else the hair will fall out. Dare I need the bikini wax yet or not? To be seen...Oh, and I still have eyebrows and lashes for now...and hair on my body...

I was told tonight that my aunt, who died of colo-rectal cancer tried to go through chemo twice, felt sick after the second treatment and stopped. I wonder if that would have saved her life. I mean, I've come this far, why would I stop now? I lost my hair, how much worse can I get??? Please, let's not answer that now!