This too shall pass...

Four weeks today since I had my exchange procedure (for those of you wondering what that means, I am talking about having my tissue expanders exchanged for final silicone implants - the ladies who will continue to defy gravity when i'm well into my 80s!).  It is amazing how uncomfortable I felt just four weeks ago.  How the stitches would pull and ache underneath the implants when I would stretch my hands above my head.  I thought I was never really going to get full mobility because they ached so much!  But now, I can put my hands over my head with no problem!  I can also walk for 50 minutes and feel no pain afterwards.  Things are good!!!

Where am I going with this rambling?  I know, I do that often.  But I am just realizing that throughout this whole ordeal I can remember thinking that I was never going to feel better, never get through the pain, never get through a night without pain/anxiety medicine to help me sleep, but it passed and now I'm at a much better place.

I even forgot how awful I would feel on my bad days during chemo, and my middle daughter, just shy of 4 years old, would lie down in bed with me and take a nap with me, just because she was worried about me.  It was so wonderful to have her near me and not afraid of me.  She wasn't like that a few months before, when she told me she didn't like me (when I had my drains in after the mastectomy).  So it felt very nice to have her near me...

I guess I just want women who are diagnosed with breast cancer and who are waiting to talk to their doctor, their cancer surgeon, their plastic surgeon, their oncologist, worried that they are going to lose their hair, that it all goes away, it does get better, it is temporary.  And while it is real and it is really awful while going through all of it, this too shall pass...oh, and by the way, I finally got a bikini wax!!!  I know, I know, still too much information, but I am glad to say that I finally needed one!!!

Making Excuses

I really hate making excuses as to why I don't write every day.  It's not like I don't have much to write about, but I swear some days I just cannot find the time to write.  Or sometimes, when I sit down to write I just cannot figure out how to get the words out...but that is another blog for another time, I guess.

Three weeks since I had the "exchange procedure".  I am feeling better every day, though sometimes at night, when I try to sleep on my side, the stitches really hurt, but other than some nagging pains every once in a while and the fact that I have to wear very supportive bras 24/7 for 6 weeks (half way there!) I am really feeling pretty good!  I don't even need to take pain meds at night and haven't taken anti-anxiety medicine since the night before the exchange procedure!  Nice to know that the surgery is over with and only 3 more weeks to go until I can pick up my three kids and swing them around a bit.  Here are some cute pictures of them from the year:

And these picutres are part of the reason I haven't been writing much.  I confess, I am not very good at putting photos in albums for my kids.  I have a shopping bag FILLED with pictures of them from the past 5 years, and while I'd like to say that I've been kind of busy (with 3 kids under the age of 5 and a husband who for 4 of those 5 years left for work before they woke up and got home after they all went to bed, and spending the last year in crisis mode with a breast cancer diagnosis and the year before that, my only sibling dying...but there I go making excuses again!)  and haven't had the chance to put the photos in albums, I'm tired of excuses.  So why is this preventing me from blogging?

I've decided that I am going to make the kids photo books for each year and just put the best pictures of the whole family in the books.  So, I have spent the past few weeks uploading pictures to Kodak Gallery and am now in the process of making the family album.

I just hope I can keep up with this every year...but before I end my blog, I want to write a quick summary of what I meant to post a week ago for Thanksgiving:

I am thankful for my health.  I am thankful for the ability to get up and move.  I am thankful for my beautiful young children who don't give me much time to feel sick or sorry for myself.  I am thankful for the most wonderfully supportive husband who tells me how proud he is of me on a regular basis and who is not only the man that I love but a person who I really like and admire.  I am thankful for both of my parents who have always been supportive in my life but have really stepped up to the plate over the past year without freaking out in front of me at all.  I am thankful for my other parents, I hate calling them in-laws, who treat me like a member of their own family, and who have also been so incredibly supportive of me and have been so helpful to our family.  I am thankful for family on both mine and my husband's side for showing us so much love and support.  I am thankful for friends, both old and new, who have come out of the woodwork to give us their support through this past year.  I am thankful for so many other things, but one thing I think I have made known through this blog is I am thankful for hair growth and the fact that I finally need that bikini wax!!!  I know, I know, too much information, but I've been talking about it so much over the past few months, I thought I'd add that in for comic relief!!! 

New boobs!!!

Okay, here's the latest update: T minus 6 days until I get my stylish new more natural-feeling silicone implants! I cannot wait to get these rocks out of my chest! When I went to the plastic surgeon's office, I had the opportunity to molest the sample they had on the desk. I have to say, they felt very natural! I'm hoping they feel that way when the surgery is completed!

Good news is that I will not lose mobility like I did last time. Here's the only positive thing about not having much hair...last time I had surgery and lost the ability to raise my hands over my head, it was very hard to take a shower and wash my long hair...now, I don't have to worry about that! And, though I'll smell a little bit since I cannot shower for a week again, at least my hair won't look like a nappy mess. I can just throw on a wig and feel a bit better! Yeah...I think? Okay, so if you are in the vicinity, please do not come too close. Let me be appealing from afar!

People keep asking if this is the last big haul from the whole year's ordeal. The answer in short is yes, the really hard part is over. The long answer is that I continue to take an IV medicine every three weeks and I still have a "procedure" to get nipples made...I know, gross, huh? I have no nipples now (my husband calls them "frankenboobs") so they will somehow make ones for me. It sounds totally gross and disgusting, but perhaps the doc can take some of my c-section scar tissue for that...get a little tightened around the belly for a teensy weensy bit more upside? (I'm always looking for more bright side of things).

Sorry if I gave you so much information that you now want to barf, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it! I just cannot wait for life to return to normal. What is normal? I don't even know anymore...but I know that all is well and I have things very good and I am lucky and blessed. 2009, while full of wonderful things for my friends and family cannot end soon enough for me!

Can someone help me get into a routine with my family??? Ugh! I am done with chemo. So thrilled that I am done with chemo, but I just don't feel myself yet. I am trying so hard to act like everything is normal, especially around people who don't know me that well, but it is so freaking hard to do!

All I want to do is get my kids routines for school down, but with my 5 year old just starting kindergarten and trying to make friends for my 4 year old (who I have been so bad about making playdates for) and my almost 2 year old starting transitional twos, I cannot get my shit together. And, when I meet people and want to plan all of this stuff, I am so freaking tired right now that I don't know where my head is!

I know, I know, I don't need to do all of this stuff right now, but I think I am so desparate to get into a routine and get this cancer crap behind me, that I am making myself nuts in the process!

Oh, and I was trying to be inspired by Christina Applegate's struggle with breast cancer, but then I realized that she didn't have to go through chemo (which is truly awful and humiliating, especially with the hair loss and I don't care what anyone else says, I still hate the hair thing) and she also didn't have a family to worry about. She just had to worry about herself. I do not like feeling jealous of her fortunate situation, and I know there are too many women in a worse situation than I am, but I cannot find solace with her cancer story. Will I find solace with any story? Yes, I have and I do. Working on finding a support group because I cannot deal with this in my head anymore. I am working on the support group, but haven't found it yet...I'll let you know when I do...See, so I'm not always positive and happy. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a nicer attitude for the readers at large. Tonight, I just feel like bitching. Thanks for listening...

I am done!!!!

Well, today was my last day of Taxol chemo. I am SOOOOO glad it's over! I was very emotional this morning but now I am just happy and proud that I was able to get through this drama of my life!

When we finished the chemo drip was finished, I was in the room with the nurse, my husband and another chemo patient I had just met, and when the automatic pump beeped to let us know the chemo was finished, we put on Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and shook our booties and screamed, "Wooo Hooo!" It was great! Everything else that I was worried about last night went out the window!

It is amazing what the human body is able to withstand. I never could have expected this, and I still don't know the lesson from this, but I know that it is over. My kids and husband bought me a bunch of balloons and that was the celebration I needed! Okay, maybe I'll throw a big party at the house and invite anyone who wants to come...as long as they're willing to shake their booties!!!

Today is the Greatest!

Well, okay, so I'm writing this before midnight, but I'm already thinking it's tomorrow ('cause I am usually asleep by now!) I am SO psyched that tomorrow is my last chemo treatment!!! I never thought this day would come and now that is has, I wish tomorrow were already over!

Although I will still have to go every 3 weeks through next summer to have an IV medication delivered, and I still have the final implants to be put in, I don't think I have ever dealt with anything as challenging as these past few months! I am feeling myself starting to cry because I am finally getting over the crisis mode of getting everything taken care of to this complete daze of what I've been through. I don't even think I've had time to process it all. Now, as I try to tackle that challenge, I know I need help!

Wow, I thought this blog was going to be all about how excited I am that I will be finished with chemo, but what I am really finding out is that I am emotionally spent. I am very proud of what I have been able to withstand, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer. I didn't feel anything, and one day, my life changed! I know it will eventually get back to a more normal functioning, and I still know that things could have been so much worse, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer!

Okay, okay, gain composure. Go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day of sitting and falling asleep and I still have to wake up in the middle of the night to take my pre-chemo medications. Wait, I think this overwhelmed feeling has been replaced with tears of joy because it is over tomorrow and now I just have to get my hair back. Did I mention before how much I HATE not having hair???

Hit me with your best shot...

An honest kid really knows how to hit your sore spots. It all stems from my insecurities about NOT having hair right now and wishing very much that I did. Usually, I wear scarves on my head (especially with summertime heat 'cause those wigs can be very HOT), and I have been wearing wigs for the past two days for a few reasons but most importantly, I didn't want to bring my son to Kindergarten wearing a scarf on my head and have people wonder what is going on. I don't want/need to be that person. I want to go the new school and meet new people and the teachers knowing I look pretty good. I am not saying the wigs make me look like a super model or anything, but I will have to post pics with the wigs on for examples. I just feel so much better when I have hair. That's all there is to say about that. But I digress...

So, I was wearing the wig while I was reading the kids books during dinner tonight and my five year old tells me, "Mommy, I miss your hair." Ugh! Did he really have to go there? My biggest chemo insecurity...So I told him, "Yeah, I know. But do you know who misses my hair more than anyone???" "Daddy," my two older kids said. "No, I do," said I. While I appreciate their honestly, it just hit me below the belt. So, I told them all that once my hair grew back, I was going to grow it as long as we all liked it and then I'd stop growing it. "Longer than it was before, Mommy?" they asked. And I said, "As long as we like it!"

So, as much as I'd like to admit that my kids are not at all phased by what has happened to me, I am glad they acknowledge that something happened, even if 99% of the time they act as if I am not someone on chemo, just their mommy...