Herceptin is finished!!! I am done!!!

It has been almost 3 months since my last post. Why haven't I written?  I guess because I've felt so good that I haven't had the time to sit down at the computer and write about my goings-on...but today is a very momentous day, even more momentous than the end of chemo...my herceptin treatments are finished!!!  I do not have to go back to be poked and prodded every three weeks.  I do not have to have some strange (though helpful) medicine pumped in my veins.  I don't have to explain to my kids where I'm going at 6:30 in the morning anymore...I just don't have to think about it at all anymore!

I find myself crying happy tears because I am happy that this chapter in my life has come to an end.  I find myself crying because I am so proud of how my body has managed to go through hell and back and is working harder every day.  Physically, I am strong.  And my mind is strong, too!

I don't really know how other people get through this.  I've really only met strong supportive women who seem to treat what they've gone through as a daily occurrence and not some life-altering episode.  And while I am reflecting on this whole occurrence a bit more today than yesterday, I know in a matter of minutes my children will bound through the door and I will not have the time to think about what has happened to me.

I thank my family and friends for all of their support throughout this time.  I know I don't thank anyone as much as I should, but the ways people were so helpful and supportive and thoughtful, it means more to me than you all can ever know!

Okay, literally, three kids 6 and under are about to walk in the door.  Time to look ahead, and not behind, and to enjoy all that I have!!!

The Final Installment - Nipples!

On Saturday, I had my (hopefully) last surgery for this "episode" in my life: I had my nipple & areola reconstruction surgery. I have been looking forward to having my breasts look somewhat "normal" again and not "frankenboobs" as my husband likes to refer to them!

Surgery was easy and very fast! Less than 2 hours! The doctor took my skin graft from my upper inner thigh...the place where your underwear hits the crease in your leg. I was so worried about having yet ANOTHER scar on my body, 3 c-sections and bilateral mastectomy scars were quite enough, thank you! I kept talking to my plastic surgeon and asking him if we could use my c-section scar tissue for the areola reconstruction, but he kept telling me that it would look better with the inner thigh tissue and, since my breasts already looked so good, why wouldn't I just use the tissue that would make my breasts look their best? The doc won.

Well, we will see how good they look! Right now I still have some bandages on my breasts, which will come off on Friday, but I've also been told that they will still not look great until all the swelling and bruising goes down, in about 6 weeks. Since my breasts are mostly numb, they really don't have any discomfort. However, I am STILL walking funny from the stitches and I guess the glue coating to protect the incision (although it is getting better) and I am still going commando (hurts to wear underwear) but this too shall pass! So will the lack of a full shower for another 9 days...

I want to say more, but I don't know when I am saying too much. Oh well, I am good at babbling anyway. I am totally grossed out today because I just got my period. While that, in and of itself, isn't usually an issue, the first two days of my period are like a flood...I go through a SuperPlus tampon in about an hour...and I usually wear a pad to protect myself, but since I cannot even wear underwear, a pad is totally out of the question. So, I feel even MORE uncomfortable today, so much so that I don't want to leave the house for an extended period of time...oh well, I know this too shall pass, but I just wish that it was possible to take a pass on getting your period every once in a while, like right now, after having surgery.

Oh, and last week, before I had my surgery, I got strep throat and was out of commission for the week. I swear, I am pushing my husband to the limit. He is so awesome and is totally picking up the slack for me, and while I am helping out where I can, he is still schleping the kids to school and after school activities and giving them their bath. I know, I know, it is getting better every day and next year, I'll be able to do this on my own again, but I just want him to go out and work, not have to take care of me and the kids all day. Okay, that's my complaining. Thanks for listening.

It is a beautiful day and I plan to go outside and enjoy some of it, but I just wish I was feeling 100% and not less than that!

The greatest compliment and the person never even knew it

So, I’ve been mentioning these past few blogs about my trip to San Diego by myself, where I tried to do something physically and emotionally satisfying each day, things that I cannot do when I am with my three kids.

All week I had this plan to go kayaking in the Pacific Ocean to look for grey whales that are currently migrating from the Bering Strait to the Baja Penninsula. I figured if my TV debut was off, I was going to make the most out of this trip, come hell or highwater!

I became very discouraged earlier in the week when I was told I might not have a kayak tour because I was only one person, and it wasn’t cost-effective for the shop to send out one guide with one person, and no one else had signed up for a kayaking tour. But, they kindly acquiesced the morning of my scheduled journey and said they would take me alone (La Jolla Kayak http://www.lajollakayak.com/ was the shops’ name and they were great. Highly recommend using their shop for all types of adventuring out in San Diego, CA).

By the time I was supposed to go out on my tour, a family of four (mom, dad and two teenagers) signed up as well! I was pretty psyched. Family was from Canada and the parents were really nice and very friendly. The mom and I both got sea sick on our trip. She actually voiced it to the guide first, and during the journey, when we had paddled out farther to search for whales, I joined the barf-bandwagon.

When we got back to shore, she told me how brave she thought I was for kayaking by myself. She said she didn’t think that she would have chosen this activity if she had been by herself. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell her about my cancer diagnosis a year ago. I wanted to tell her that I have fake boobs and sometimes I am still worried about doing physical activity with my upper body, and how proud I was of myself for kayaking for two hours straight, but I didn’t. I am trying not to broadcast to the entire world that I am a cancer survivor of just a year. I don’t want that to define me; yet, I feel like it is still an all-encompassing thought in my head these days.

I hold out hope that after a few years I won’t think about it every day as my defining moment in life, but right now, it is what it is, so I will continue to write about that.

I could not will the plane fast enough…

I just finished a week of being away from my husband and my kids.  I’ve had two mimosas, and could have another, but I only want them to get some sleep on the plane…but I cannot sleep.  I am so excited to go home and see my three kids.  I cannot wait to feel their arms wrap around me.

Yesterday, I was kayaking in the Pacific Ocean. It was an absolutely glorious experience, both physically and mentally.  A year ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It changed my life, literally.  I never thought about the fact that this tumor could kill me, I just thought about how to get rid of it and make my life normal again.  And there I was, a year later, kayaking for two plus hours, battling waves, searching for grey whales and sea lions, and fighting off the sea sick nausea that kept nagging me.  While I was feeling ill, I kept saying to myself, “C’mon, Paula, you’ve fought worse things than this.  Just shake out a burp and you’ll be okay…”  Okay, I know, too much information, but that was all I kept thinking, “You fought chemotherapy, you can handle sea sickness!” 

The good news is that I didn’t barf, much to my guide’s chagrin (he told us if we were going to barf, to let everyone know so they could watch…).  But I am telling you, as I was working my way back to shore, paddling and feeling quite exhausted and queasy, I felt like I was never going to get back to shore.  I thought, for sure, the waves would propel me faster to shore, but they didn't and I just could not get to the shore fast enough!  I just wanted to have my Fred Flinstone car to use my legs to help run me back onto the beach…it felt like forever.  Just like this plane flight to get home to my little ones, and my husband.  I wish I could flap my wings and get us home faster, but I cannot.  I will just sit here and write and not sleep and think about all of the fun things I want to do with my kids when I get home.  And I cannot wait!

This too shall pass...

Four weeks today since I had my exchange procedure (for those of you wondering what that means, I am talking about having my tissue expanders exchanged for final silicone implants - the ladies who will continue to defy gravity when i'm well into my 80s!).  It is amazing how uncomfortable I felt just four weeks ago.  How the stitches would pull and ache underneath the implants when I would stretch my hands above my head.  I thought I was never really going to get full mobility because they ached so much!  But now, I can put my hands over my head with no problem!  I can also walk for 50 minutes and feel no pain afterwards.  Things are good!!!

Where am I going with this rambling?  I know, I do that often.  But I am just realizing that throughout this whole ordeal I can remember thinking that I was never going to feel better, never get through the pain, never get through a night without pain/anxiety medicine to help me sleep, but it passed and now I'm at a much better place.

I even forgot how awful I would feel on my bad days during chemo, and my middle daughter, just shy of 4 years old, would lie down in bed with me and take a nap with me, just because she was worried about me.  It was so wonderful to have her near me and not afraid of me.  She wasn't like that a few months before, when she told me she didn't like me (when I had my drains in after the mastectomy).  So it felt very nice to have her near me...

I guess I just want women who are diagnosed with breast cancer and who are waiting to talk to their doctor, their cancer surgeon, their plastic surgeon, their oncologist, worried that they are going to lose their hair, that it all goes away, it does get better, it is temporary.  And while it is real and it is really awful while going through all of it, this too shall pass...oh, and by the way, I finally got a bikini wax!!!  I know, I know, still too much information, but I am glad to say that I finally needed one!!!

Paying It Forward

Well, I had my first real post-surgery mentor conversation with a woman who had a double mastectomy a month ago, and is just starting the tissue expansion, and knows she has to go through chemotherapy soon.  I tried to be as positive as I possibly could, I spent most of the time telling this woman that "this too shall pass." 

I wanted to tell her that the rest of her tissue expansions (she just finished her first) wouldn't be uncomfortable (painful is the word I really wanted to use); instead, I told her that the expansions might get more uncomfortable but that it gets more comfortable (when the tissue expanders come out and the final implants are put in...no, seriously, about a month after my final expansion I finally stopped taking pain pills to sleep).  I did tell her how I would wake up in the middle of the night and bolt upright from the pain, but that was only seven months ago and now I've got my final implants so that "discomfort" is over.

I tried to tell her that chemo isn't as bad as one might think, but that would have been a lie.  Instead, I told her that chemo sucks when you are going through it, and that's when you need to have a good support system to help out on the really awful days, but that it all ends and your hair does grow back and you start to forget how awful you felt and that your energy really does come back.  I told her to try and remain active, even though it was difficult to get out of bed on the worst days, and to keep focusing on the positive.

Funny, the silver lining for this woman, as it remains for myself, is that we get new perky boobs.  I didn't tell her that they don't feel like the other ones did, that even though these implants feel more comfortable than the expanders that they really don't feel like breasts to me.  That sensation is gone. 

But that is not what matters.  What matters is that I am alive and that I will be alive to dance at my childrens' weddings.  What matters is that the surgeons and the chemo got all of the cancer out of my body (well, I'm 99.9% sure of that) and that I am at a good hospital and the chance for recurrence is so small that I try to leave that fear in the very dark recesses of my mind.  What matters is that after a year of total crap, I am still fairly normal...and fairly healthy.

I am glad that I have people to talk to about my experience (ordeal?) and while there are too many other women whose names I was given to call and talk about their experiences, sometimes it does get too much.  I still find myself emotionally exhausted after a breast cancer-reconstruction-chemotherapy conversation, though the conversations are priceless and I appreciate every minute someone will spend talking to me.  And so, begins my paying it forward and helping out those people who are a few steps behind me...it's just there are more and more women with breast cancer and it shouldn't be that way...

Making Excuses

I really hate making excuses as to why I don't write every day.  It's not like I don't have much to write about, but I swear some days I just cannot find the time to write.  Or sometimes, when I sit down to write I just cannot figure out how to get the words out...but that is another blog for another time, I guess.

Three weeks since I had the "exchange procedure".  I am feeling better every day, though sometimes at night, when I try to sleep on my side, the stitches really hurt, but other than some nagging pains every once in a while and the fact that I have to wear very supportive bras 24/7 for 6 weeks (half way there!) I am really feeling pretty good!  I don't even need to take pain meds at night and haven't taken anti-anxiety medicine since the night before the exchange procedure!  Nice to know that the surgery is over with and only 3 more weeks to go until I can pick up my three kids and swing them around a bit.  Here are some cute pictures of them from the year:

And these picutres are part of the reason I haven't been writing much.  I confess, I am not very good at putting photos in albums for my kids.  I have a shopping bag FILLED with pictures of them from the past 5 years, and while I'd like to say that I've been kind of busy (with 3 kids under the age of 5 and a husband who for 4 of those 5 years left for work before they woke up and got home after they all went to bed, and spending the last year in crisis mode with a breast cancer diagnosis and the year before that, my only sibling dying...but there I go making excuses again!)  and haven't had the chance to put the photos in albums, I'm tired of excuses.  So why is this preventing me from blogging?

I've decided that I am going to make the kids photo books for each year and just put the best pictures of the whole family in the books.  So, I have spent the past few weeks uploading pictures to Kodak Gallery and am now in the process of making the family album.

I just hope I can keep up with this every year...but before I end my blog, I want to write a quick summary of what I meant to post a week ago for Thanksgiving:

I am thankful for my health.  I am thankful for the ability to get up and move.  I am thankful for my beautiful young children who don't give me much time to feel sick or sorry for myself.  I am thankful for the most wonderfully supportive husband who tells me how proud he is of me on a regular basis and who is not only the man that I love but a person who I really like and admire.  I am thankful for both of my parents who have always been supportive in my life but have really stepped up to the plate over the past year without freaking out in front of me at all.  I am thankful for my other parents, I hate calling them in-laws, who treat me like a member of their own family, and who have also been so incredibly supportive of me and have been so helpful to our family.  I am thankful for family on both mine and my husband's side for showing us so much love and support.  I am thankful for friends, both old and new, who have come out of the woodwork to give us their support through this past year.  I am thankful for so many other things, but one thing I think I have made known through this blog is I am thankful for hair growth and the fact that I finally need that bikini wax!!!  I know, I know, too much information, but I've been talking about it so much over the past few months, I thought I'd add that in for comic relief!!! 

Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders

After you get your final implants, you have to walk around 24 hours a day wearing a bra to make sure that the stitches heal well.  Okay, that's fine, but it's not so easy to meet all the other requirements:  no underwire (because you don't need it and it will rub the stitches underneath the breasts), the bottom of the bra cannot touch underneath the breast directly (because that will hurt the stitches underneath the breasts) and it cannot too tight (because they said not too tight).

I was going to spend this post bitching about how hard it was to find these types of bras and how I felt lost going into a number of stores unable to find what I needed, but I just got off the phone with my cousin and all those mild complaints went out the window.  (Plus, I was able to go online and buy some bras that will work, so really no reason to bitch).

My cousin just recently learned that her teenage daughter suffers from bulimia.  They decided to put her in a facility for a month to help her deal with this issue.  While all seems to be going well in the facility (so my cousin says) she had an awful phone call with her daughter yesterday where her daughter told her she hated her, and that she was conceited and looked down on other people.  My cousin sounded so distraught while telling me about this.  She said she was sad.  Oh, and might I add that this is the same cousin who went through a double mastectomy with reconstruction a few years before me?

You never know what is down the road, and, unfortunately, even though you might think your situation is horrible and couldn't get much worse, you don't have to look far to find someone in a more difficult situation than you!  So, I'll continue to focus on the good things in my life, be thankful that my dad was in town this week to help out with the kids so I could recover and be grateful that I felt well enough today to take a nice long walk with my dad.  Things are looking up!

My many faces of breast cancer

Okay, at the risk of never leaving the computer and never sleeping again, I am going to just post some pics the old-fashioned way.  I really wanted to show you the many faces of me during the cancer treatment process via a slideshow, but I'm having a hard time doing that (I just cannot figure this blogger thing out!)  So, I'm just going to try and post some pics in a regular posting.

This first picture is sporting the dude-rag, schmata, bandana...whatever you want to call it...I still hate having no hair.

Here is me in the height of my baldness.  I just could not go out in public looking like this.  I cannot go out without something on now and I have a substantial covering all over my head...

Okay, so I'm not wearing any make up, but disregard the face and please notice the hair.  I just still cannot go without a wig...I just hate myself without hair.  Have I mentioned that before???

Do blondes have more fun?  Well, I thought if I had a few wigs to use, I could change my look according to my mood.

This is the brunette wig...at first, I loved this one, but lately I've been all about the blonde...and now, the piece de resistance:

Which one do you guys like the best???

And they're out!

Just wanted to let you all know that the drains came out!  I will be able to shower in 36-48 hours!  You will not have to smell me any longer, New Jersey!!!  (Or New York or Connecticut!) 

I have to say, I am totally shocked that when I went in to have the drains taken out and to see my plastic surgeon this morning, he didn't even TOUCH me. He barely looked at my scars, just said everything looked good, told me that I shouldn't do anything "high impact" for  the next five weeks and he'll see me in two to three months.

As much as I wanted more information about my next steps, I don't think you can get much better than "everything looks good, see you in two months".  Less is more with this guy, I know that about him.  He is not known for his bedside manner.  In a previous blog, I referred to him as "the troll" because he is short and grumpy and has a bad bedside manor, but I have to say, everyone I spoke with about him said he was so wonderful and did great work.  My boobs look good.  That's really all that matters now.  Maybe one of these days I'll get him to smile.  Now that's a good goal for the next visit!!!

Uncomfortably Numb?

I think I have spent the last 9 months in a weird sort of haze and now I might be coming out of it.  Ever since my diagnosis, I have been on cruise control, or crisis control, just getting stuff done that needed to be done without really figuring out how all of this new information I'd been inundated with was affecting me.  I think that I was just happy knowing that I was facing the cancer head-on and wasn't questioning my decisions, I was just going with my gut reactions.

But now I sit here at my computer, drains waiting to be removed from the tissue expander exchange procedure, stitches poking me uncomfortably under my new breasts (that I have yet to fully examine because I'm waiting for the doctor to tell me that he thinks everything is healing well and to tell me they are really sticking around before I start to relish in their perkiness!!!) I am starting to wonder what I do now?  Especially in light of the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force's (USPSTF) new guidelines, I feel like I need to do SOMETHING.  I have started looking on websites and blogs of fellow breast cancer patients and survivors to get some grounding, get some guidance and get some support.  There are a bunch of incredible women who have been through and are going through what I am going through, it just amazes me.

While I am searching for my own answers, I am comforted by something a friend's mother told me a few weeks ago.  When I was first diagnosed, my friend told me that if I want to talk with someone about what they went through, her mom had said she would talk to me.  At the time, I didn't call her because I was looking for women my own age, in a similar circumstance, to try and find some connection and support.  AND it was so tiring, and so draining to have a conversation with a current patient or recent survivor because I'd be on the phone for an hour with some stranger (with whom I now shared some awful bond) to try and find a parallel story and digest the information, I just didn't talk to that many people.  I found that too hard for me to handle during this period of crisis.

About a month ago, my friend's mother died.  My husband and I went to pay a shiva call and I sat and spoke with this woman about everything else BUT cancer - how her father was doing, about her new grandson, about my friend's kids - and then she went to talk with her other guests. 

As I was getting ready to leave, she stopped me and just said, "I just want you to know that I never thought there would be a day that I didn't think about breast cancer, and then, a few years after my treatment, I noticed I didn't think about it every day.  It got less and less."  (She is a ten year survivor.)  I just stood there as tears welled up in my eyes and said, "thank you".  It is hard to explain how wonderful it was to hear her say that, to know that while right now it seems so all encompassing, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that life really will go on.

Task force opposes routine mammograms for women age 40-49 - are they for real???

I just read this CNN article tonight.  I cannot believe what I just read.  Some task force, under the umbrella of the US Dept of Heath and Human Services, just said that mammograms aren't necessary every year for women age 40-49.  This changes the previous guidelines which recommended mammograms as early detection for women over age 40.  The article goes on to say, that "...[W]hile roughly 15 percent of women in their 40s detect breast cancerthrough mammography, many other women experience false positives, anxiety, and unnecessary biopsies as a result of the test, according to data."

Please, provide me with the percentage of women who experience false positives, anxiety and unnecessary biopsies as a result of mammograms.  Is it more than the 15 percent who saved their lives by detecting breast cancer?  And, even so, having a mammogram didn't kill them.  Neither did the anxiety or unnecessary biopsies.  But what would have happened to the 15 percent of women who detected breast cancer had waited until they were 50?  What data shows how many of those women had a history of breast cancer in their families or felt a lump?  What if they just went in because they knew it was good to have a baseline for future mammograms and were surprised with the fact that something did show up on the mammogram and that they did find out earlier rather than later?  What percentage of those women were able to, or decided to, save their breasts and just have a small lumpectomy?  What percentage of those women who had mastectomies and were able to prevent the recurrence of breast cancer?  What percentage of those women who detected breast cancer in their 40s were able to avoid chemotherapy because the cancer had not yet spread to their lymph nodes or, worse yet, some other part of their bodies?  OR, worse yet, what percentage of those women STILL had to undergo chemotherapy because the type of breast cancer they had was so aggressive that it would have spread, even if it had not yet done so?  What percentage of those women were able to save their lives because they went to doctors who trusted these guidelines and sent these women for mammograms accordingly?

This is a very hard article for me to read given the fact that I am still undergoing treatment for breast cancer at age 38.  For those of you unfamiliar with my blog, go back to February & March 2009 articles which discuss my breast cancer discovery ON A FLUKE because I met a new doctor who gave me a breast exam and said I had lumpy breast tissue so I should go get a mammogram.  She felt no lump, I had no history.  In fact, my OB/GYN who I had seen regularly for two years before then never even MENTIONED a mammogram because there was no reason for it.  When I read an article like this, it is hard for me to FATHOM what I would have gone through if the guidelines were set for a higher age to begin mammograms.  If the recommendation is to wait until age 50, would my internist still have thought to send me for a mammogram?  I highly doubt that. 

This doesn't even begin to discuss what health insurance companies might decide to do based on this task force recommendations.  Okay, while I want to believe that insurance companies will still fully cover mammograms, who knows?  Everyone is cutting costs.  Maybe insurance companies will deny mammograms for women who do not fall under a "high risk" category.  I don't know, I don't want to think about that.  Because I assure you, if the test had not been covered by my health insurance, I GUARANTEE you that I would not have gone for a mammogram.  No way, no how.  Before my diagnosis, I would have told you I was 100 percent healthy.  Some tests might be considered unnecessary, but I just don't see how this task force just pushed back the age for women to get annual mammograms to age 50...oh, and I know this isn't well thought out or well written.  I am still recovering from my surgery of having breast tissue expanders exchanged for final breast implants.  Not even a week old.  I am still on pain medication and have drains running out from under my arms.  This just hit a raw spot.  More to come later when I can properly articulate how PISSED OFF I am.  Congress, here I come!

Welcome Ladies!

Well, the new ladies are in! The expanders are out and my new high-tech tear-drop shaped silicone ladies have made their debut! Had the surgery on Wednesday and to be totally honest, it has not been as bad as I had expected! Well, given the fact that after the last surgery I was not able to lift my hands above my head, this is much better! I have much better mobility and the drains aren't bothering me half as much as they did last time! I'm sleeping much better at night, and can move pretty well during the day. I am taking it easy though, because I don't want to screw anything up with the new ladies. I have uncomfortable internal stitches that bother me more than anything else to the point where I have to lie down every few hours to get more comfortable. BUT as of day 4 after surgery, I can go during the day without serious pain meds and only save those for night time! I know, I know, why not take the drugs, Dali Mamma Lama, isn't that why the doctor prescribed them? Trust me, I take them when I need them and if I need them during the day, I take them. But they make me tired and it makes it harder to sleep at night, so I'd rather save them for night time!

My 4 year old still wants to see my boo-boos. I have told her no. She asks, "Why?" and I tell her that I don't want to scare her. Honestly, I am so glad that I had to go through this when she was 4 and not 10...I don't really want her to remember this ordeal, but I am glad she has a place to go back and read about it (if she ever wants to) and know what this was all about! My 2 year old is pretty clueless except that I don't pick her up right now when she cries. No, I don't leave her on the ground laughing at her expense, but soon enough I'll be back to picking her up so I'm not too upset about that. And, my 5 year old boy still gives me hugs and treats me like nothing has changed. That makes me very happy!

Having said all of that, am I thrilled that the heavy duty surgery is over? Yes! Am I excited to have the rock hard expanders out of my chest? Yes! Am I excited that one more phase of this ordeal is over? Yes! Am I excited to be able to work out and get back into shape in a few weeks? Yes! Do I wish I had nipples? Yes! Will I get those soon? Yes! I know, I know, too much information, but it's true, I have no nipples and the doctor will have to make those for me. Again, I am hoping he'll use some of my c-section scar tissue, but we'll have to wait and see. He's not the kind of guy who likes to be told what to do so I'm not sure how this will all pan out, but enough of that for now! But seriously, if it grosses you out to hear about it, imagine how I feel. The whole thing FREAKS me out, but since I don't have a choice, I'll just tell it to you like it is. But, please know, the fact that someone has to "make" nipples for me is truly disgusting.

So, now I will heal. I cannot wait for this Thursday when the drains come out and then 2 days after that, I will be able to take my first shower since surgery. Yeah, I know, another gross one. Good thing you can't smell me...yet!

New boobs!!!

Okay, here's the latest update: T minus 6 days until I get my stylish new more natural-feeling silicone implants! I cannot wait to get these rocks out of my chest! When I went to the plastic surgeon's office, I had the opportunity to molest the sample they had on the desk. I have to say, they felt very natural! I'm hoping they feel that way when the surgery is completed!

Good news is that I will not lose mobility like I did last time. Here's the only positive thing about not having much hair...last time I had surgery and lost the ability to raise my hands over my head, it was very hard to take a shower and wash my long hair...now, I don't have to worry about that! And, though I'll smell a little bit since I cannot shower for a week again, at least my hair won't look like a nappy mess. I can just throw on a wig and feel a bit better! Yeah...I think? Okay, so if you are in the vicinity, please do not come too close. Let me be appealing from afar!

People keep asking if this is the last big haul from the whole year's ordeal. The answer in short is yes, the really hard part is over. The long answer is that I continue to take an IV medicine every three weeks and I still have a "procedure" to get nipples made...I know, gross, huh? I have no nipples now (my husband calls them "frankenboobs") so they will somehow make ones for me. It sounds totally gross and disgusting, but perhaps the doc can take some of my c-section scar tissue for that...get a little tightened around the belly for a teensy weensy bit more upside? (I'm always looking for more bright side of things).

Sorry if I gave you so much information that you now want to barf, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it! I just cannot wait for life to return to normal. What is normal? I don't even know anymore...but I know that all is well and I have things very good and I am lucky and blessed. 2009, while full of wonderful things for my friends and family cannot end soon enough for me!

Pink Eye!!!

So, I forgot to mention this and, in retrospect, it strikes me as funny!

I went to my 20th high school reunion two weeks ago. I was not quite sure I was going to attend because of my current health situation, but I decided to go. I had a great time and it was so wonderful to see everyone there!

But, you know how I feel about not having hair...I hate it. My eyelashes fell out and, for the most part, are tiny little stubs at that. But I decided to see if I could get eyelash extensions to make my eyes look more normal for the reunion. They weren't bad (I should have had a picture of them, shouldn't I?) but since I had so few lashes to begin with, the woman who did the work could only get on about a quarter of what she would normally do. My eyelashes still looked sparse, but it wasn't so bad. The lashes were affixed on Thursday and we headed to the reunion on Friday and Saturday.

The woman who fixed my lashes told me not to rub my eyes too hard or the lashes would fall off. So, I am sure I didn't clean off my eye makeup as well as I would normally do. On top of that, I left my contact lenses in all night that Saturday night (too much fun at the reunion, I guess) and by Tuesday, my eyes were totally gooey and pink and totally infected. I went to the doctor and got a prescription to fix the pink eye and I am happy to report it is gone. Actually, it was almost 100% better after one dose!

But it serves me right for being vain!!!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Have you ever said something and realized how stupid you were to say it? Because I would not want to offend my friend, I won't tell you what I actually said, but it's one of those comments that most people KNOW you shouldn't say, like, when you are talking to a couple who has been married for a while, and you say, "Why haven't you had kids yet?" Not knowing whether or not they have been trying and are having problems conceiving...well, this comment ranked up there.

But I said it, and after it was out, I thought to myself, of all people to make that comment, the woman with no hair, eyebrows, eyelashes who still looks exhausted from going through chemo should know better than to ask anyone ANYTHING personal! Oy vey! And I was very upfront with my friend (we're not that close, but I do consider her a friend nonetheless!) and said, the comment should not have come out of the chemo patient's mouth. I know people look at me all the time, especially since I interchange my wigs daily and sometimes wear hats where you can see there's no hair, and if they aren't that close to me, I know they wonder what's going on, but do they ask questions? No, they only mention that they were curious what was going on after they've either heard my story from me or someone else...So, the fact that I opened up my mouth and made a bonehead comment just made me feel like such an ass...although I did feel better after apologizing and telling my friend that I am an actual bonehead (so my friend wouldn't feel badly if she was thinking that without actually saying it).

Ah well, what can I say? I am so glad that chemo is over and I am starting to feel human again. Really, I haven't had time to digest that it is truly over, and I guess I realize it more on Friday when I don't have to go back for a treatment, but I am so happy that chemo is over! I just want my body to heal and get back to normal! Okay, so I still have one major surgery in November to get the rocks out of my chest, I think I've mentioned that before, but I am anticipating a MUCH easier recovery from this one! But the fact that I will no longer have poison running through my veins is so AWESOME!

Now I have to start fighting with the insurance company to have some things covered...I'll get on my health care high horse another day, but let me just mention that this system is broken. And I am thankful every day that we have enough money in the bank that health insurance and all of the extraneous expenses we have had to pay out of pocket have not caused us financial distress...but how to fix it? I'm not sure I know enough to make an educated decision...

Can someone help me get into a routine with my family??? Ugh! I am done with chemo. So thrilled that I am done with chemo, but I just don't feel myself yet. I am trying so hard to act like everything is normal, especially around people who don't know me that well, but it is so freaking hard to do!

All I want to do is get my kids routines for school down, but with my 5 year old just starting kindergarten and trying to make friends for my 4 year old (who I have been so bad about making playdates for) and my almost 2 year old starting transitional twos, I cannot get my shit together. And, when I meet people and want to plan all of this stuff, I am so freaking tired right now that I don't know where my head is!

I know, I know, I don't need to do all of this stuff right now, but I think I am so desparate to get into a routine and get this cancer crap behind me, that I am making myself nuts in the process!

Oh, and I was trying to be inspired by Christina Applegate's struggle with breast cancer, but then I realized that she didn't have to go through chemo (which is truly awful and humiliating, especially with the hair loss and I don't care what anyone else says, I still hate the hair thing) and she also didn't have a family to worry about. She just had to worry about herself. I do not like feeling jealous of her fortunate situation, and I know there are too many women in a worse situation than I am, but I cannot find solace with her cancer story. Will I find solace with any story? Yes, I have and I do. Working on finding a support group because I cannot deal with this in my head anymore. I am working on the support group, but haven't found it yet...I'll let you know when I do...See, so I'm not always positive and happy. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a nicer attitude for the readers at large. Tonight, I just feel like bitching. Thanks for listening...

I am done!!!!

Well, today was my last day of Taxol chemo. I am SOOOOO glad it's over! I was very emotional this morning but now I am just happy and proud that I was able to get through this drama of my life!

When we finished the chemo drip was finished, I was in the room with the nurse, my husband and another chemo patient I had just met, and when the automatic pump beeped to let us know the chemo was finished, we put on Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and shook our booties and screamed, "Wooo Hooo!" It was great! Everything else that I was worried about last night went out the window!

It is amazing what the human body is able to withstand. I never could have expected this, and I still don't know the lesson from this, but I know that it is over. My kids and husband bought me a bunch of balloons and that was the celebration I needed! Okay, maybe I'll throw a big party at the house and invite anyone who wants to come...as long as they're willing to shake their booties!!!

Today is the Greatest!

Well, okay, so I'm writing this before midnight, but I'm already thinking it's tomorrow ('cause I am usually asleep by now!) I am SO psyched that tomorrow is my last chemo treatment!!! I never thought this day would come and now that is has, I wish tomorrow were already over!

Although I will still have to go every 3 weeks through next summer to have an IV medication delivered, and I still have the final implants to be put in, I don't think I have ever dealt with anything as challenging as these past few months! I am feeling myself starting to cry because I am finally getting over the crisis mode of getting everything taken care of to this complete daze of what I've been through. I don't even think I've had time to process it all. Now, as I try to tackle that challenge, I know I need help!

Wow, I thought this blog was going to be all about how excited I am that I will be finished with chemo, but what I am really finding out is that I am emotionally spent. I am very proud of what I have been able to withstand, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer. I didn't feel anything, and one day, my life changed! I know it will eventually get back to a more normal functioning, and I still know that things could have been so much worse, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer!

Okay, okay, gain composure. Go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day of sitting and falling asleep and I still have to wake up in the middle of the night to take my pre-chemo medications. Wait, I think this overwhelmed feeling has been replaced with tears of joy because it is over tomorrow and now I just have to get my hair back. Did I mention before how much I HATE not having hair???

Hit me with your best shot...

An honest kid really knows how to hit your sore spots. It all stems from my insecurities about NOT having hair right now and wishing very much that I did. Usually, I wear scarves on my head (especially with summertime heat 'cause those wigs can be very HOT), and I have been wearing wigs for the past two days for a few reasons but most importantly, I didn't want to bring my son to Kindergarten wearing a scarf on my head and have people wonder what is going on. I don't want/need to be that person. I want to go the new school and meet new people and the teachers knowing I look pretty good. I am not saying the wigs make me look like a super model or anything, but I will have to post pics with the wigs on for examples. I just feel so much better when I have hair. That's all there is to say about that. But I digress...

So, I was wearing the wig while I was reading the kids books during dinner tonight and my five year old tells me, "Mommy, I miss your hair." Ugh! Did he really have to go there? My biggest chemo insecurity...So I told him, "Yeah, I know. But do you know who misses my hair more than anyone???" "Daddy," my two older kids said. "No, I do," said I. While I appreciate their honestly, it just hit me below the belt. So, I told them all that once my hair grew back, I was going to grow it as long as we all liked it and then I'd stop growing it. "Longer than it was before, Mommy?" they asked. And I said, "As long as we like it!"

So, as much as I'd like to admit that my kids are not at all phased by what has happened to me, I am glad they acknowledge that something happened, even if 99% of the time they act as if I am not someone on chemo, just their mommy...