Paying It Forward

Well, I had my first real post-surgery mentor conversation with a woman who had a double mastectomy a month ago, and is just starting the tissue expansion, and knows she has to go through chemotherapy soon.  I tried to be as positive as I possibly could, I spent most of the time telling this woman that "this too shall pass." 

I wanted to tell her that the rest of her tissue expansions (she just finished her first) wouldn't be uncomfortable (painful is the word I really wanted to use); instead, I told her that the expansions might get more uncomfortable but that it gets more comfortable (when the tissue expanders come out and the final implants are put in...no, seriously, about a month after my final expansion I finally stopped taking pain pills to sleep).  I did tell her how I would wake up in the middle of the night and bolt upright from the pain, but that was only seven months ago and now I've got my final implants so that "discomfort" is over.

I tried to tell her that chemo isn't as bad as one might think, but that would have been a lie.  Instead, I told her that chemo sucks when you are going through it, and that's when you need to have a good support system to help out on the really awful days, but that it all ends and your hair does grow back and you start to forget how awful you felt and that your energy really does come back.  I told her to try and remain active, even though it was difficult to get out of bed on the worst days, and to keep focusing on the positive.

Funny, the silver lining for this woman, as it remains for myself, is that we get new perky boobs.  I didn't tell her that they don't feel like the other ones did, that even though these implants feel more comfortable than the expanders that they really don't feel like breasts to me.  That sensation is gone. 

But that is not what matters.  What matters is that I am alive and that I will be alive to dance at my childrens' weddings.  What matters is that the surgeons and the chemo got all of the cancer out of my body (well, I'm 99.9% sure of that) and that I am at a good hospital and the chance for recurrence is so small that I try to leave that fear in the very dark recesses of my mind.  What matters is that after a year of total crap, I am still fairly normal...and fairly healthy.

I am glad that I have people to talk to about my experience (ordeal?) and while there are too many other women whose names I was given to call and talk about their experiences, sometimes it does get too much.  I still find myself emotionally exhausted after a breast cancer-reconstruction-chemotherapy conversation, though the conversations are priceless and I appreciate every minute someone will spend talking to me.  And so, begins my paying it forward and helping out those people who are a few steps behind me...it's just there are more and more women with breast cancer and it shouldn't be that way...

And they're out!

Just wanted to let you all know that the drains came out!  I will be able to shower in 36-48 hours!  You will not have to smell me any longer, New Jersey!!!  (Or New York or Connecticut!) 

I have to say, I am totally shocked that when I went in to have the drains taken out and to see my plastic surgeon this morning, he didn't even TOUCH me. He barely looked at my scars, just said everything looked good, told me that I shouldn't do anything "high impact" for  the next five weeks and he'll see me in two to three months.

As much as I wanted more information about my next steps, I don't think you can get much better than "everything looks good, see you in two months".  Less is more with this guy, I know that about him.  He is not known for his bedside manner.  In a previous blog, I referred to him as "the troll" because he is short and grumpy and has a bad bedside manor, but I have to say, everyone I spoke with about him said he was so wonderful and did great work.  My boobs look good.  That's really all that matters now.  Maybe one of these days I'll get him to smile.  Now that's a good goal for the next visit!!!

Welcome Ladies!

Well, the new ladies are in! The expanders are out and my new high-tech tear-drop shaped silicone ladies have made their debut! Had the surgery on Wednesday and to be totally honest, it has not been as bad as I had expected! Well, given the fact that after the last surgery I was not able to lift my hands above my head, this is much better! I have much better mobility and the drains aren't bothering me half as much as they did last time! I'm sleeping much better at night, and can move pretty well during the day. I am taking it easy though, because I don't want to screw anything up with the new ladies. I have uncomfortable internal stitches that bother me more than anything else to the point where I have to lie down every few hours to get more comfortable. BUT as of day 4 after surgery, I can go during the day without serious pain meds and only save those for night time! I know, I know, why not take the drugs, Dali Mamma Lama, isn't that why the doctor prescribed them? Trust me, I take them when I need them and if I need them during the day, I take them. But they make me tired and it makes it harder to sleep at night, so I'd rather save them for night time!

My 4 year old still wants to see my boo-boos. I have told her no. She asks, "Why?" and I tell her that I don't want to scare her. Honestly, I am so glad that I had to go through this when she was 4 and not 10...I don't really want her to remember this ordeal, but I am glad she has a place to go back and read about it (if she ever wants to) and know what this was all about! My 2 year old is pretty clueless except that I don't pick her up right now when she cries. No, I don't leave her on the ground laughing at her expense, but soon enough I'll be back to picking her up so I'm not too upset about that. And, my 5 year old boy still gives me hugs and treats me like nothing has changed. That makes me very happy!

Having said all of that, am I thrilled that the heavy duty surgery is over? Yes! Am I excited to have the rock hard expanders out of my chest? Yes! Am I excited that one more phase of this ordeal is over? Yes! Am I excited to be able to work out and get back into shape in a few weeks? Yes! Do I wish I had nipples? Yes! Will I get those soon? Yes! I know, I know, too much information, but it's true, I have no nipples and the doctor will have to make those for me. Again, I am hoping he'll use some of my c-section scar tissue, but we'll have to wait and see. He's not the kind of guy who likes to be told what to do so I'm not sure how this will all pan out, but enough of that for now! But seriously, if it grosses you out to hear about it, imagine how I feel. The whole thing FREAKS me out, but since I don't have a choice, I'll just tell it to you like it is. But, please know, the fact that someone has to "make" nipples for me is truly disgusting.

So, now I will heal. I cannot wait for this Thursday when the drains come out and then 2 days after that, I will be able to take my first shower since surgery. Yeah, I know, another gross one. Good thing you can't smell me...yet!