Sunday, October 31, 2010

Sadness Beyond Control

It's hard to be sad on Halloween, especially with my guys all dressed up for the holiday, but I found myself so sad the past two days that I found it worse than anything I've felt in quite some time.

I know what started it off...yesterday we were supposed to have plans with friends, and they canceled, which left us with a whole free day.  With birthday parties, and Hebrew school and soccer and football, we haven't had a full free day in a VERY long time.  So, I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to take the kids to the aquarium, since my son is very psyched about sharks these days.  He didn't want to do that.  So, I said, how about the aircraft carrier?  The zoo?  Central park zoo?  No, he didn't like any of those ideas.  Didn't want to go anywhere where there would be crowds...I didn't get it.  And then I just got mad because he said he wanted to buy wood to build himself a custom closet or take the kids to get skis.  Okay, I understand we need to get skis for the kids for the season, but we had a WHOLE day to play...and then my son said he'd rather have a playdate with his friend than go somewhere with me...and then the girls didn't want to go because my son didn't want to go...the day was such a BUST!!!  Oh, and might I add that my husband could have done the closet thing next weekend when I was taking the kids away...and I FREAKED OUT on everyone, especially my husband. 

I just couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to do something educational and outside with the kids on a beautiful fall day...was it me?  I really thought so.  But, I did freak out (I mean slamming doors, yelling, and just being plain mean to my husband who was happily doing his woodwork in the garage, which he rarely does) and finally begged and pleaded with my daughter to come with me to the Central Park Zoo.  And we did have lots of fun.  But I was so nasty to my husband.  And I couldn't bring myself to be nice to him...not then or later...even when we did something as a family with another family.  What was up with that????

And why?  Cause he wanted to do something else for one day?  And then when I started thinking about that, I started kicking myself and I couldn't stop.  Like, what's wrong with me that I am being such a brat?  Why am I so sad?  I actually had to leave an exercise class this morning because I was crying.  And then I came home to an empty house 'cause my husband was with the little one and the older two were at Hebrew School and I was still crying and crying even more because I was trying to stop myself from it just me or has that happened to you?

Finally, my husband saw me crying and I told him that I was sorry for being a psycho the day before.  While he didn't say he accepted my apology (I don't think I would have either) he did say that it was okay to be sad because then you appreciate being happy.  So, then I stopped crying and my daughter came to lay down in my bed with me and held my hand while we watched TV and I wasn't so sad anymore.

So now, I'm still trying to figure out why I was so so sad...could it be that the last 3 years have been really hard and after trying to be so strong and I just snapped?  I don't know but I guess I don't care.  I will just type this and argue with my son about whether or not he's getting a clone gun...and whether or not he'll put his costume back on...


  1. I don't have an answer but I have a virtual hug...even though this was a long time ago and I wish I'd seen it sooner. I hope you're feeling better by now. We're sort of starting over aren't we with our newfound appreciation for every moment and not wanting to waste even a second. It's hard because our families can't begin to fathom the possibility (even if incredibly remote) that this might not really be over but it's in the back of our minds so we just want everything to be great - time well spent, know what I mean? I hope that with time the rawness of this subsides. It's challenging for us and our families. xoxox

  2. New to the blog, hope everything turns out okay.


  3. Hello,
    I have a question about your blog. Please email me!

  4. This is a "better-late-than-never" post. I just popped in and read your latest post, and I wanted to let you know that I can definitely relate to your feelings here. It's as if we want our husbands to just feel, react, think, adjust, and behave in a certain way, and when they don't, well, heaven help us! We've had days like this one, and they are never easy. Thank God that we have a new day every morning, and we can choose to be appreciative or... we can stay bitter. It's our choice, and in the long run, if we choose to be happy even when we're upset, we can influence our children in more ways than we'll ever really know!