Monday, January 25, 2010

I need an idea

I cannot think of anything to write  I know that is a lame excuse for a post, but my mind is totally blank.  I watched the news and I know there is stuff going on in the world, but all I can think of is the limerick I had to write in 5th grade for a long-term project on Mythology.  So, instead of blabbing for a long time, I'll leave you with this:

Medusa could kill with a look,
And not thirty seconds it took!
She'd turn you to stone
With a hideous groan
By a method not found in a book!

Happy Monday!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I've taken Ativan the past two days...need I say more?

Why am I my harshest critic? 
Why do I take everything my kids do wrong personally?
Why do I feel so insecure right now?
Could it be my hair growing back but still so short?  Okay, positive note is that I've stopped wearing wigs, but I truly HATE the way I look.  I think I'm going to go buy one of those fake ponytails so I feel like I have long hair...
Could it be that I am a lawyer who stopped working when my 5 year old was born and now I feel like I couldn't get a job if I needed to?  Maybe I shouldn't have stepped out of the workforce to begin with, but I DO enjoy having free-time with my kids...
Could it be that I hate my new boobs and the fact that I feel like the Tamoxifen has made me put on weight that I just feel so unsexy that I haven't gotten my groove back?
I think I need a therapist...oh, and I am not taking Ativan again tonight, so I guess no matter how uncomfortable I have felt, it is not such that I need to take it again...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Happy New Year - the good the bad and the ugly!

Happy New Year!  What has happened since 2010?

On 1/2/10, I got my period, with a vengance!  Yes, it is back.  I was really worried that I was going to have early menopause (as one doctor said might happen due to chemo and Herceptin, but she was wrong!) and I'm not really sure why, but that was not the case and I am not sad to have it back!  I know, too much information, but for any women reading this who have or are going through what I went through, it is kind of a big deal!

I went skiing out west in Utah with my husband this past week.  I have always been an adequate skier, but to get to the next level, I have been teaching myself how to ski down the mountain.  Very hard to do as an adult, but I am doing that.  I took a lesson out West, and my instructor was pushing me pretty hard.  I guess she worried that I wasn't having fun, but all I kept thinking about in my head was how proud I was of myself for actually skiing after the horrible year I had!  Not two months ago I had surgery for final breast implants, and not four months ago I was sitting in a chair having chemotherapy, and there I was actually skiing some blue trails and not falling down.  I almost cried I was so happy!  AND re-teaching yourself the proper way to ski is pretty hard, so I am damn proud of myself for the hard work!

The negative thoughts in my head are that I really do not like the new boobs.  I might tell you that I'm happy because they will be perky forever, and maybe once I have nipples I won't feel so badly, but the truth is that I don't like at all how they look.  Okay, so I've gained a few pounds and maybe I'll like them more once I start really getting back to the gym, but I really don't like the way they look.  They aren't big enough, they get really cold when I'm out in the cold (like I don't remember ever happening before) , they still have ugly scars on parts of them because they still have not fully healed, and I get some crazy under-the-skin itching that I cannot explain or get rid of, but I know is EXTREMELY annoying!

I hate to start of my 2010 blog with some negativity, but it is true and I guess I won't be happy until I lose some weight or at least get some new nipples!!!

On a brighter note, I have stopped wearing wigs all the time.  My hair is growing back to the point where, while it is very short, it is covering enough of my head where I won't wear a wig anymore.  I still want longer hair, but it will get there!

Happy and a Healthy New Year to all!!!