Monday, July 20, 2009

Accentuate the positive

Well, I haven't written in a week, more so, and so I've missed all of the good things that happened. Like, taking some long power walks both before and after chemo sessions, taking Sarah (20 month old) and my dad blueberry picking up in New York (never heard my dad laugh so hard from watching Sarah devour blueberries up and down the aisles), going to Jacob's camp visiting day (he was so happy to have us there and even wanted to hold our hands to take us from the different activities), to going to the beach with the kids this Saturday and watching them bury Rob in the sand...

I was too busy the last few days focusing on how crummy I have been feeling from the chemo. This stuff can really mess with your mind! I mean, I literally got home from the afternoon at the beach and laid down in bed...I barely moved for the next 36 hours or so. The energy literally stripped from my body. I started feeling so sad about all the crap I've had to go through...then, I stopped myself again and thought about all of the good things that I have going on through this ordeal:

I have the most amazing husband, who, thankfully is successful enough that he can be at home to support us all without having to actually work right now. I mean, I know this is so incredibly hard on him, I cannot imagine how, but he is not only amazing to our children, but he is so caring to me. Words cannot express how greatful I am to him. My actions will just speak louder than words.

I have three wonderful children who very rarely make mention of my hair loss and energy loss. We talk every now and then about my boo-boos and how I take medicine so they won't come back, but they honestly just want to play with me and be with me. It makes my heart feel so at ease to know they just want me to keep being their mommy and be with them.

I have both of my parents who come up at various times during the chemo process to help me and the family get through this. I am so thankful that they live close enough and have enough flexibility to make these trips...I know they have been through enough themselves and I am sorry to have to put them through any more pain, but it means the world to me that they can come and help when I need them.

And my other parents, my in-laws, who want only what is best for us as well. They treat me like a daughter and I know they truly care for me, and not just because I am the parent to their grandchildren and wife to their son. We have a good relationship and they are here with me every step of the way. I could not ask more from them.

And my family who calls and checks in on me and I don't get back to...I hope they understand that I truly mean to reach out to them. I just get lost in all of this sometimes...

And my friends who call constantly and check up on me, even if it is just a phone call they know I might not return, or a text message to route me on...I could not get through all of this without them as well.

So, as I praise, and forget to mention so many other people who have randomly sent me messages because they heard the news, I wake myself from this depressing fog that the chemo leaves me with each week.

I still sit here and wonder what this lesson is supposed to do for me for the future. I cannot believe that god would plague people with stuff like this without some special lesson to learn from it. I know I want to smile more because my family and friends deserve it...and so do I. I also know I should get a nice rack after the final surgery in November, but that is a long way off and I have a bit more agita to endure before that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow...but I digress.

It is good to feel good. I think I appreciate it even more, especially after I go through the down times that are so rough for me (though probably lots better than other people fare). I have now finished 4 of the 8 chemo sessions. I am halfway through. I hope these last 4 sessions are easier, like I have heard they should be. I just want to feel like I can go out with the kids and just have fun...of all the summer lists I made earlier, I think I just need to focus on the one thing - smile.

To everyone else, feel strong and push yourself just a little harder thing that you didn't think you could do before the end of the day...I did about three of those today and now I finally appreciate that I did them. I am ready for bed!

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