Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Did it really not post???

Oy vey!  I was in the oncologists office waiting for a cancer flu shot treatment and I spent alot of time talknig about my dichotomy:  I am so happy to feel good physically, yet, I feel so "ok" with the emotional stuff.  I want to feel good about all of it but I just don't!  I know it is great going to see my oncologist, especially when she tells me how great everything is going physically, but mentally, everytime I'm scheduled to go in for a treament, I freak out!  What's up with that?  I'd like to think I'm doing fine, but after my social worker talk today , I have alot of work to go...even though my surgeries are finished and I have nipples to show the world.  I'm not going to do that, but now I could!

My social worker told me that I'm heading into the hardest part...the part where there is no treatment...I thought I was home free, but my mind is telling me otherwise.  My mind keeps freaking out for nothing, though I really think it's the end of the cyclical treatments I've had.  I can be as smiley as I want to be and as happy as I can be because treatments are over, but I still have these nagging thoughts in my head about being alone in this cancer world. 

I've already gone the route of dealling with cancer once.  I read some womens' blogs about recurrence.  i just cannot imagine that!  But they deal with it gracefully and with strength I cannot begin to imagine...I guess I am just fearful that I don't want to do this again.  I don't know that I can be this strong the second time around...

I love life, I love my kids, I adore my husband, I am so thankful of the things I can do now, but these nagging feelings about the things that have changed in my life drive me crazy!

1 comment:

  1. Yeah. I get this. I so get it. My tumor markers continue to rise (a bad sign) but they see no cancer. I was told that I could either have unreliable markers (oh, let me be unreliable) or that cancer could be 'defining' (let me save them the trouble. I can define cancer all by myself). The thing is this: It is what it is. I hope just as you hope, but we don't know. One night, my husband and I lay in bed, and we finally talked about cancer. He's such an optimist. We did, for once, look at the thing squarely. At the end of it, I said, "Where the kids are concerned, we need to be optimistic. Between you and me, we need to be realistic." He agreed. What that means, though, is that nothing has really changed. We are still living our days out just as we always have. There's just a new awareness, I guess. A savoring. Putting each other first, maybe. I don't know. It's the same, but different.