Today is the Greatest!

Well, okay, so I'm writing this before midnight, but I'm already thinking it's tomorrow ('cause I am usually asleep by now!) I am SO psyched that tomorrow is my last chemo treatment!!! I never thought this day would come and now that is has, I wish tomorrow were already over!

Although I will still have to go every 3 weeks through next summer to have an IV medication delivered, and I still have the final implants to be put in, I don't think I have ever dealt with anything as challenging as these past few months! I am feeling myself starting to cry because I am finally getting over the crisis mode of getting everything taken care of to this complete daze of what I've been through. I don't even think I've had time to process it all. Now, as I try to tackle that challenge, I know I need help!

Wow, I thought this blog was going to be all about how excited I am that I will be finished with chemo, but what I am really finding out is that I am emotionally spent. I am very proud of what I have been able to withstand, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer. I didn't feel anything, and one day, my life changed! I know it will eventually get back to a more normal functioning, and I still know that things could have been so much worse, but, HOLY CRAP! I had cancer!

Okay, okay, gain composure. Go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day of sitting and falling asleep and I still have to wake up in the middle of the night to take my pre-chemo medications. Wait, I think this overwhelmed feeling has been replaced with tears of joy because it is over tomorrow and now I just have to get my hair back. Did I mention before how much I HATE not having hair???

Time for a cool change (only this is not so cool)

Half way there and gearing up for the next type of chemo. The good news is that this next chemo side effects aren't as bad as the last - no nausea at least and I shouldn't be quite as exhausted - but these sound like fun: potential bone pain and numbness or tingling in my extremities. Fun, huh? Well, I am hoping that I don't feel those side effects and the rest of the summer is uneventful. Also, I don't like the idea that I have to sit with an IV for 5 hours each treatment, so I am trying to relax about it. People keep telling me that I should just bring things to take my mind off of the treatment, books, movies, etc., and I know I'll be fine once I actually have the first of these long treatments, but I don't care what anyone tells me, I am FREAKED out to have a needle in my arm and sit there for 5 hours while poison is put in my body!

And, after hearing from another survivor who had cancer much further along than I had, but who didn't have to have as much medicine as I do, when they got EVERYTHING (all of the cancer) out and the cancer hadn't even spread to my lymph nodes, I get pissed off! I KNOW the reason that I'm doing what I'm doing is because one of my hormone receptors came back positive and that IF a microscopic cancer cell got somewhere else in my body, this receptor tells the cancer to grow stronger, faster, harder (like the 6 million dollar man, but not nearly as cool as that) but I can still act like a pre-schooler and stomp my feet and say it is not fair, as long as I continue with the treatment, which I know I will do.

Okay, enough bitching for today. I'll post after Friday and let you know that everything was fine, because I know everything will be fine. But, just like it took my 5 year old until this past Monday to put his head underwater at his swim lesson without crying, so it will take me until I have my first treatment with this chemo before I will feel comfortable. I know, bad analogy, but when your 20 month old wakes you up at 5:00 am screaming, sometimes the pen doesn't flow as smooth. Bright spot - tomorrow we head to Sesame Place and all the kids are psyched (and so am I!)

keep on truckin!

well, thanks for all my facebook friends for their awesome inspiration and support! really, you guys have no idea how much it touches me to read your messages...it really does my heart and soul good to have such an awesome and extensive support network! thank you for making this journey a little less painful!

on another note, it really does get better between sessions. i walked this morning (power walk, so i rock!), ran some errands, took a power nap (shouldn't wait so long between eating) and played with the kids in the backyard and EVEN made three different dinners for my family. honestly, i made wacky mac for my lili, spider man mac n cheese for jake and pasta with meat sauce for the adults for dinner. it's crazy enough that i am sick and making dinner, but this went beyond. but, whatever, i was glad not only that i could do it, but that i had the energy to do it. AND, well, this might be pushing it, but i think i am up for a game of rock band tonight. no just sitting on the couch!

i spoke to the nurse today. she said that i am actually doing well and their patients who try to do things, and not give into the side effects, end up healing much better...so, i am going to keep on going and make sure that i heal well.

i still hate hate hate what i look like with a buzz cut, and i still cannot stomach wearing my wigs, but i know my hair will grow back and it will look great. no, i am too vain to post a picture yet, and i may never do so, but, i know, this too will pass!

on a final note, it amazes me how long it takes to prepare an art project for a 5, 3 1/2 and 20 month old, and how fast it takes them to do it. but, painting outside is a total winner and something i know they won't want to do with me when their teenagers, so i'll take all i can get!

love to you all!

i've got to admit it's getting better...

well, i can honestly say that today was much better than yesterday! i didn't feel that same exhaustion that i felt on sunday. i still had to take a nap, but that sheer exhaustion is gone. i took the girls out for some fun and even had some fun myself! i know tomorrow will only be better so that is good! trying to deal with nausea every day. i hate it. but i am up and writing so that is good!

?

I don't even know what to say. I thought yesterday was pretty crummy, I felt waves of nausea all day. Couldn't even wear my wigs...the smell of them made me want to vomit. I was able to eat (this baby's not gonna lose weight, is she?) but slept most of the day.

today, all I want to do is sleep. I got myself up and finally took a shower, but I just want to go back and rest. I feel so guilty because I have my kids around, though there are grandparents who want to help take care of them, I feel like they are just running around too much and are bored. But I have no energy to give them today. What an amazingly frustrating feeling this is.

I think I will go back and lie down now. This sucks.

Update for the day

Well, not sleeping didn't do me so well today, but that's okay. Power walked in a huge mall with my baby for 45 minutes while feeling very nauseaus, but I did it. On the way home, because I didn't take my afternoon nausea medication soon enough, I felt like I was going to barf...not cool in front of my husband, dad, and 5year old (Big Jake) , 3 1/2 year old (Lilibell) and 19 month old (Sarita). So I kept it together like a champ, took my meds and collapsed for 2 hours. Lillibell joined me in bed to watch some of her favorite progams so that was nice.

I had dinner and it just didn't sit well with me, but for dessert, I craved a vanilla ice cream hot fudge sundae. I knew it wouldn't sit well with me either, but I took my antinausea med, had the sundae and then gargled with salt water to get rid of the yucky film it left on my tongue...but it was worth it!!!

Oh, and my poor husband had to give me a shot of neulasta to boost my white blood cell count. That's the one that can give me the bone pain side effect, but before I can take any Advil to relieve the bone pain, I have to make sure I don't have a temperature of 100.4...otherwise I have to go to the hospital for anti-biotics. I'm just working on the positive attitude that I won't have bone pain so I don't have to worry about the rest of the stuff!

I have heard people talk about being so forgetful because of chemobrain. I think if I can remember all the crap that comes with taking medications and side effects to look out for, I am allowed to forget all the other stuff. As long as the kids don't go out of the house naked and starving, I think I've got my shit together!!!

So far, I've still got my hair! Let's see what happens because I REALLY need that bikini wax...

Side Effects

Just wanted to note that I didn't sleep at all last night, but I caught up on my Globe Trekker episodes and Family Guy and Robot Chicken. Felt nauseaus then and feel so now. Just in case I wanted to help anyone else with chemo, here's my blog log. i hope my meds kick in soon...Still waiting for Godot for other side effects, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth!