Chemotherapy - Treatment One

I can be cool. I can pretend that I can handle anything. I can go for my first treatment with confidence, chat with the nurses and doctors, pretend that I am okay...but I am not.

I definitely took the anti-anxitey meds they gave me that day and waited for the side effects to happen. I didn't sit around and wait, I was out doing stuff, walking power walks, playing with the kids. But after my Wednesday treatment, Sunday was pretty awful. First of all, I guess I wasn't taking enough of the anti-anxiety medication at night so I had not been sleeping for a few nights anyway, but by Sunday, I was a wreck. My husband took the kids to a birthday party and I had planned to take a walk to garner some energy, but my husband told me to take a rest. So, I sat on the couch all morning unable to move. My stomach was a complete wreck, diharrea, so I couldn't be far away from a toilet, and I couldn't even go to the park with the kids. I couldn't eat anything.

Okay, so while I really felt awful, I know it could have been alot worse, and that's what hit me...this is going to get worse. I am going to continue to feel nausea throughout the two weeks, unable to sleep without taking two anti-anxiety pills...

Now I have to wonder how soon after my next treatment that my hair will fall out. People keep telling me how great I will look bald, but I DON'T WANT TO LOOK BALD! I don't want to lose my eyelashes (though I haven't had a bikini wax in over 2 months, and while I really want one, if it is all really going to fall out, what's the point now??? But oh, that is so gross, I really cannot stand to look at that!) I might be more upset about my eyelashes than my hair. I bought two wigs so I am ready for it. I cut my hair very short and snet the long hair to Locks for Love so I'd feel like someone was getting something good from the hair. I brought the kids with me to look at the wigs so that they wouldn't be surprised. Cut my hair short to get them used to it.

But I am so uncomfortable about the next treatment. All I see are the red vials of poison waitijng to go in my veins...it makes me feel sick to think about it. I had wanted to write something short about it, and I have, and now I am going to bed